Rant of the Week!

"The Rant of the Week" found to cure warts.

2004-02-04T00:37:00.000Z

Hello,

I am creating a web directory, The-Insight.com, and would like to include your website Brianhughes.blogspot.com under the "health/herbal remedies" category.(!?!?) If you'd like to be added, please follow this url:

http://www.the-insight.com/add.cgi

We shall put all our efforts into having your link up in less than 24 hours; and if you find our site useful for your visitors, please add a reciprocal link.

Link Back : The-Insight.com - A Spirituality Web Directory.

Thank you very much,
James T. Monaghan
webmaster

Chaps, I have ordered Airforces I, 2, 3, 4 and 5 to swing by your various abodes to collect you for an emergency summit in Montecarlo. I believe that at the end of a week of full and frank constructive networking we will have come up with a satisfactory and mutually beneficial response to Mr. Monaghan's invitation.

(Please note, I do not think that terrorists are involved. However the current advice to stay indoors, down in the cellar with enough Mars bars to see you through the next four or five decades still applies.)

Resourceful Thinking

2004-02-03T18:00:00.000Z

Who says Americans don't have great ideas?

Hello Happiness...

2004-01-30T18:39:00.000Z

To quote Alistair Campbell's diary, as read to the extremely impartial Lord Hutton during the inquiry that, should Tony Blair forget, the rest of us watched in full and managed to make up our own minds about..."We need to fuck Andrew Gilligan where it hurts!"
Mission accomplished it would appear. And Greg Dyke's head hits the floor with a well-aimed machette courtesy of Campbell and Blair as well!
I never thought I'd find myself defending the BBC...or to give it its proper Orwellian name, 'The Ministry of Truth' (no seriously...Orwell's Ministry of Truth really was actually aimed at the BBC where he originally worked before becoming a novelist)...but in this particular instance I'll gladly side with them.
The Hutton report is one step closer to all-out facism. So far we've had the removal of human rights, access to lawyers and freedom of choice because of terrorist fears, the increase of racism in the form of convincing the general public that asylum seekers who are trying to escape the horrors of dictatorship have no place in our glorious nation, and the restructuring of education only for those elite enough to accept a right-wing agenda. And now Auntie Beeb is being forced to rethink itself and comply with government spin, or to put it another way, the surpression of real news in favour of pro-government rhetoric.
At this rate the television will be full of scenes of Tony Blair every night set to up-lifting music after the fashion of Saddam in his salad days. Oh wait...we already had that at the election.
These are disturbing times. To think my grandfather fought a war to keep fascism at bay! And now we've elected it into power...and we smile happily as the rascism rises, the oppression tightens and the right-wing religious extremists remove truth, freedom and tolerance from our daily lives.
Tony Blair is a lying shit! He did 'Sex-up' the dossier. Claire Short and Robin Cook, along with various heads of intelligence that Lord Fucking Hutton conveniently ignored, actually said so on Channel Fours 'What the Hutton Report Won't Tell You' as broadcast the other night.
I don't know what Screaming Lord Hutton's fucking definition of 'a lie' is. But to me, somebody altering the wording of a document in order to sell it incorrectly to a cynical country as a basis to murder thousands of innocent people abroad constitutes a lie of fucking enormous proportions!
As for Campbell...what a cunt! What an unbelievable cunt! He wasn't even elected for Christ's sake!
So...the question is folks...do we let these bastards continue to destroy democracy? Do we allow them free reign to lock people up without question, to censor the news, to control our lives, to destroy freedom of choice and to keep us subdued?
Unfortunately the answer is yes...because we've got our football and our 'I'm a Celebrity, Get me out of here' and our Harry Potter et al. And as long as we've got our mindless shit then we're happy, right?
Well, tough shit folks...we're going down.
And so's my bottle of Scotch.

The Lord is my shepherd.

2004-01-30T03:48:00.000Z

The long awaited Hutton Report has been rapturously welcomed by Tony Blair.

British prime minister Tony Blair said a judge's report into the suicide of an Iraq weapons expert had exonerated him of the charges of lying to parliament and cleared his government of any underhand dealings.

"Lord Hutton has concluded that all of my government's ridiculous claims, exaggerations, inaccuracies and massive whirling dervish spin doctoring of the British intelligence dossier were the result of honest error, not of dishonest scheming."

"I am proud to lead a government that does not engage in deception. I am proud to lead a government that listens to the people. If these people happen to be inept, ill-informed and incompetent Dolly the sheep toadies is that my fault? (Not that thay are of course.) No, and the good Lord agrees. How much worse would it be if the British public had to suffer an arrogant government which only listened to smartarses, experts and boffins? My government is on first name terms with the vast range of well qualified soothsayers, conspiracy theorists and spoon-benders and these are very nice people with their hearts and minds in the right place. Cherie even knows a nice bloke from Australia who has lots of good ideas about lots of things. If more Australians were like Peter Foster the world would be a far better place ... and he can get you a slice of the action at a damn good price."

"I invite the doomsayers and the Doubting Thomases to read the report in its entirety, not just the sexed up excerpts that are splashed across page three of "The Dirty Digger". In particular I would refer these people to Lord Hutton's recognition of my government's record. Legislation that found a cure for the common cold, eliminated world famine, reversed global warming, banned whales from maliciously beaching themselves and put the taste back into tomatoes."

As a token of the government's appreciation of Lord Hutton's magnificent public service, a celebration is to be held next Tuesday. After the hanging of Robin Cook, Claire Short and a number of former BBC executives at Traitor's Gate, the public is invited to proceed in an orderly fashion to Buckingham Palace where they can join members of the government for strawberries and champagne, tea and scones and the ever popular bread and circuses.

Prime Minister Blair has foreshadowed legislation that will make it mandatory for copies of Gideon's version of the Hutton Report to placed in all British hotel and motel rooms.

On a personal note Mr. Blair added, "Whilst I appreciate and am indeed flattered by his Lord Huttonship's recommendation, I believe His Holiness already has enough on his plate without having to consider this 'umble, ever so 'umble prime minister's elevation to sainthood."

In conclusion the Prime Minister said: "I want to make it absolutely clear I fully respect the independence of the BBC. I have no doubt that the BBC will continue as it should do to probe and question the Government in every proper way. What this does now is allow us to draw a line in the sand on the new level playing field. There will be no more shifting of the goal posts and everyone will be expected to play with a straight bat until we get the chequered flag."

*****************************************
British Prime Minister Tony Blair's former communications director Alastair Campbell has welcomed the impending execution of the Chairman and a number of other BBC executives, "What a pack of arseholes! Gave spin doctoring a bad name, the whole lot of them. Got sprung. Unforgivable! Dickheads!"

Sir Uriah Heep, the new chairman of the BBC has unreservedly apologised to the Government and the family of David Kelly. On his way to work Sir Heep also apologised to all his fellow bus passengers. Alighting from the bus he apologised to a large number of pedestrians, several sets of traffic lights and a flock of pigeons.

"My task now is to restore honesty, accountability and integrity to the BBC. As a first step the entire News and Current Affairs staff will be sent off to "The Alistair Campbell Re-education Holiday Camp" to sharpen up their which side their bread is buttered on skills", said Sir Heep.

Pulling a cat of nine tails from his briefcase and giving himself a damn good thrashing he added, "See! Now look what they've gone and made me do!"

*****************************************

News of the Whitewash Report swiftly spread around the world. The Australian Prime Minister, stepping out of a telephone booth and assuming his role as The Man of Steel, demanded that all naughty children what had called him bad names come up in front of the class and write "Sorry" a hundred times on the blackboard and promise never ever to do it again. "How hard is it to apologise?", he thundered, "I'm going to stay here until everyone understands what they've done wrong and have received their full punishment."

President Bush when asked if the Hutton Report had any consequences for his administration forcefully retaliated, "Errr derrr guys? Reality check! What the goddam hell has a survey about the sexual behaviour of Americans in the 1950s got to do with the price of eggs in Chinastan!"

Cross posted from http://sedgwick.bloghorn.com/

Hutton dressed up as Spam...

2004-01-28T18:51:00.000Z

Calls have been made for an inquiry into allegations that the Hutton Report was 'sexed-up' in favour of the British government. Angry protestors, having dismissed the report as a great big 'whitewash', are now demanding a full investigation, claiming that Hutton deliberately ignored testimonials from Robin Cook and Claire Short.
Said a spokesman for the general public, "This report has been deliberately fabricated to mislead parliament in order to save Tony Blair's rubbery neck. Ultimately it has lead to the death of Andrew Gilligan's career."
"The whole thing is a total fabrication of the facts," said Mr Hogwart, owner of the Fisherman's Arms tonight. "We all know that Blair's a bullshitter an' no poncy mate of 'is 'oo claims he's an ex-judge can palm us off with a load of arse-lickin' lies."
After several more pints Hogwart added, "This seriously calls into question the legal system. Some of those stuck-up, wig-covered heads ought to roll."
Bowing to demand for the immediate inquiry into the Hutton affair Tony Blair has appointed Alistair Campbell to spearhead the investigation in order to preserve integrity and approach the subject from an unbiased point of view.

Why go to Mars?

2004-01-26T17:06:00.000Z

Though I can not reveal my source for this incredible information, I felt compelled to reveal to the millions of visitors to this website the real reason that American President George W. Bush is pushing for manned missions to Mars. According to Professor Gwelix of the University of Boston Albuquerque Campus, NASA is working hand in hand with the Vatican, and by orders of The Pope must begin sending real live people, specifically Catholic Priests, to Mars. Professor Gwelix worked hard to confirm rumors that The Pope believes Jesus now lives on Mars because of a theory that the Red Planet is actually the secret location of Heaven, and if we can find Jesus there, then we can maybe coax him to introduce us to God himself. This rumor proved false, however, with Vatican Spokesmen strictly denying that they ever believed Mars to be the location of Heaven. The Vatican wants to make it very clear that they do not believe Heaven could possibly exist on another planet because they are still pissed at Astronomers like Copernicus and Gallileo for ruining the idea that Earth is the only planet in The Universe.

Upon further investigation, Professor Gwelix is now working to confirm a new theory that the reason Catholic priests want so much to go to Mars is more for vacationing reasons. While vacationing on the Red Planet, priests will be free from all behavioral restrictions they live under on Earth, as Vatican Law does not reach beyond the boundries of Planet Earth. Professor Gwelix has found plans for the construction of a resort on Mars for vacationing Catholic Priests that will be regularly stocked with 14-year-old homosexual boys.

I would like to point out that, at the start of this post, I mentioned that I could not reveal my source for this amazing information, then proceeded to mention a Professor Gwelix of the University of Boston Albuquerque Campus. Please forget that I ever mentioned this man's name.

John Howard, Prime Minister of Australia, Man of Steel and owner of a very nice cardy.

2004-01-20T23:27:00.000Z

... then there was this cryptic bit of spam

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Just passing through...as the turd said to the string underpants.

2004-01-20T18:35:00.000Z

It's become a bit dusty round these parts recently. (Personally I blame Sedgwick for shooting his crusty old load all over those photographs of Steve Irwin below.) But archaeology, diets and whisky by the bucket have been keeping me busy. Anyhow, I just thought I'd drop by and check on how things were going...or 'not' as the case might be. Since not being bothered to write a single word for this board after Christmas 2003, our viewing figures have dropped to twenty a day. Exactly the same as they were when I was composing fifty-thousand word essays every day for the damned thing, which just goes to show what a waste of time that was.
So I'm off again for another six months. I shall leave you with these words of wisdom: The expression 'If you haven't got anything nice to say don't say anything at all' lies at the root of totalitarianism.
TTFN

Out of the mouths of babes, crocs and dickheads.

2004-01-05T11:56:00.000Z

Crikey, every man and his blue heeler has had a bite of this one. Figured I might as well dangle my thoughts out as well. (No children or other animals were harmed in the making of this posting.)

The Australian "crocodile hunter" Steve Irwin has sparked outrage because he dangled his baby son in front of a 13ft crocodile's jaws.

The television celebrity, famous for picking up poisonous snakes and wrestling with huge reptiles for the cameras, brought his month-old baby into an enclosure during a public show at the Australian Zoo reptile park in Queensland. He held the child, called Robert, in one arm while using his other to hold a dead chicken in front of the crocodile, named Murray.

Irwin was unrepentant: "I was in complete control of the crocodile. Robert was tucked right in my arm. This kid has to grow up to be croc savvy. I am teaching him to be completely familiar with crocodiles."

Wife Terri also came to Mr Irwin's defence claiming it was a parent's duty to educate children against the dangers of tropical life.

"Children learn to swim at an early age. Would you rather have a child learning to swim under duress or to have them drown?," she said. "Children need to be taught the dangers of crocodiles."

Evidence would suggest that Steve Irwin had a frontal lobotomy immediately after his birth. Sadly a swift and sure vasectomy did not immediately follow.

Not to put too fine a point on it Steve is a prize goose. This fine upstanding Aussie icon much beloved of Dubbya dickhead is to parenting what Herod was to the 'Stranger Danger' campaign.

Right Steve, it is essential to teach young Bob about the dangers of the big bad backpacker eating crocodiles. I'm sure that he was taking in your every warning word, making relevant notes on his Palm Pilot and texting your bon mots to every one of his one month old peers.

Yes Steve, it is wise to teach children about danger. I remember doing it with my child. I don't remember doing in front of a large crowd of camera toting, fee paying tourists at my workplace. I don't remember using my child as a prop for my circus act.

O.K. Mrs. Steve I would rather have a child learning to swim under duress than have it drown. Better still I'd rather have it eaten by a crocodile. Crikey, that'd teach it. By the livin' jingoes it wouldn't do anything careless ever again!

Poor old Steve is a bit pissed off at the treatment he is copping from the media. Steve has happily sucked on the bountiful and nurturing nipple of the media in recent years. Tough titty Steve if the media then turns all Lady Macbeth turn my milk into gall on you. The media is reptilian by nature Steve. Didn't your dad ever tell you "never smile at crocodiles" ... and never hop into bed with them without using protection.

Speaking on Channel Nine's A Current Affair, Mr Irwin says he did it to help his child become more familiar with the environment he lives in.

"What I would do differently is I would make sure that there was no cameras around," he said. "But unfortunately you're under the microscope and I can't escape cameras."

Gee whiz Steve, you didn't know that all those tourists what bought tickets to your performance would be taking pictures did you? I've never heard of that happening before.

From David Salmon Producer/Reporter Seven News - Brisbane. "Australia Zoo put out a media alert on Friday morning (Jan 2) advising the arrival of three elephants to the zoo, along with some Tibetan nuns, and the Croc Hunter. Believing that such a grouping could provide some interesting pics we decided to take a look for a possible colour story. Our Seven Queensland crew did a great job in recognising the potential of the yarn while still at the zoo, at what was a media event called by the croc-hunter himself!"

What was that Steve said again? "But unfortunately you're under the microscope and I can't escape cameras."

By the living Jiminy Crickets Steve, looks like you were desperately trying to hide your light under a microscopic bushel and then out of the blue along came all those bloody stickybeak Channel Seven media types what ambushed you good and proper. What bastards, Steve!

"I will continue to educate my children and the children of the world so that they don't share water with crocs, that's the most important thing," he said. "That's why I was put on this planet, that's why God built me and put me on this earth, is to show people how to avoid conflict with animals that can kill you."

Good thinking Steve, but the most important thing you could do is to make sure that your own child doesn't share centre stage with his dad ... and probably not during the croc feeding part of the show.

As anyone who has a dog knows, it isn't exactly wise to go near the animal when its eating its food. I know from my own experience that if a waiter comes too close to my table when I'm tucking into a delicious "Canard a la Montmorency" he can expect a pretty conflictful nip on the ankle.

Sounds to me like Steve is trying to avoid conflict with media what can kill your image and career.

Look here Steve, I like a succulently sauteed infant in chasseur sauce as much as the next Aussie icon, but I dont pass off my gluttonous epicurean indulgence as Self Preservation 101 for Neonates. "Bobby, don't you go too close to Nigella's lovely busty substances lest she grabs you by the scruff of the neck, skins you, bones you, lightly coats you in seasoned flour and pops you in a preheated oven for 20 minutes, turning regularly."

Poor ole Steve. Why can't people leave him alone and treat him like any other common or garden millionaire in the street. (Oops, sorry! I forgot that's not currently P.C. ... tall iconic poppies and all that.)

Have to admit that I am really a bit torn on this issue. As Granny Biddy Stickynose I think Irwin was an absolute goose for this stunt. On the other hand I really do want Steve to keep dangling his offspring in front of 14 foot crocs thereby allowing the process of natural selection to proceed apace. With any luck, all Irwins would all end up as petit fours for reptiles. Crikey a world without feral Irwins sounds a pretty good place to me by jingoes golly gosh.

I lay before you evidence which might be offered as a defence against any charges that might be laid by the relevant legal authorities.

"In front of us right now is the greatest leader Australia has ever had and the greatest leader in the world," Mr Irwin told the audience at Australia Zoo, north of Brisbane. "

"Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honour. "

Crikey, you just couldn't get a good reliable frontal lobotomy back in those days.

BTW Steve, I gather there's an orphan kiddy by name of Annie Borden currently up for adoption. I'm sure she'd be more than pleased to teach you and Mrs. Icon a thing or two about the dangers of sharp chopping instruments.

Pre-New Year Guff...

2003-12-29T18:12:00.000Z

Bob Monkhouse, last of the orange-faced Great British Comics (and no I'm not including Des O'Conner in that statement who, despite having the obligatory perma-tan head, is about as much of a humorous comic as Zit Magazine was), one-time cartoonist and legendary smarmball has died aged 75. No Americans were involved.

An estimated 25,000 people have been killed in the Iranian earthquake. Fortunately the U.S. Government haven't deemed this a great enough tragedy to warrant another one of their bile-spewing feel-good concerts. The ancient world heritage town of Wham-Bam has been completely destroyed in the quake and a further 40,000 residents have been left homeless. No Americans were involved...apparently.

Michael Jackson claims that the police beat him up in custardy, displaying the bruises on his arm as proof. To be honest his arm's that thin and twisted just grabbing him with cotton wool would have had the same effect. No human beings were involved.

And finally I'm starting my New Year's drinking binge early, building up to a huge party on New Year's Eve followed by projectile vommitting on Thursday morning. You can rest assured that no Americans will be involved.

Festive Reindeer Droppings!

2003-12-23T18:14:00.000Z

Bah humbug, Christmas bollocks, sweaty aggressive shoppers, cold rain, slush, sneezes, dribbles, dead turkeys, crap presents, rubbish telly... Jesus Harold Corbett, I can't be arsed with this one!
Christmas is way too obvious a target and festive rants have become almost a tradition now. If you're stupid enough to be manipulated by this crass comercialised bullshit (and you are...we all fucking are without exception) then it's hardly surprising that the war in Iraq happened, that Blair continues as head bastard and that Bush's plot to bring the Book of Revelation to life is allowed to go on. We're all weak and spineless and crap. We moan, we groan, we complain and we whinge and yet we continue, we decorate, we eat sprouts and fight queues and all the while we're saying, "It's for the children really," whilst thinking, "Actually it's all for the fucking economy" whilst trying to ignore that really it's "All because we haven't got the balls to humbugger the whole bastard thing and call it quits."
So happy Christmas folks. I'm off to prop up the Scottish alcohol industry until New Year.

Even more Bull's Gonads

2003-12-22T02:18:00.000Z
"The American Soldier" has been named Time magazine's "person of the year".

The weekly magazine says it is using the term broadly to include men and women in all branches of the US armed forces.

The editor of Time magazine, Nancy Gibbs, says US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld suggested the choice when Time editors met him at the Pentagon in November.

"They swept across Iraq and conquered it in 21 days. (!? ... seems like both "Time" and GWB suffer from nationalistic priapism and premature ejaculation.) They stand guard on streets pot-holed with skepticism and rancor. They caught Saddam Hussein. They are the face of America, its might and good will, in a region unused to democracy. The U.S. G.I. is TIME's Person of the Year ."

Amidst this crock of patriotic hyperbole from Time (what has outed itself as the publishing arm of the US Department of Defence) I'm surprised that no mention of The American Soldier being faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive and possessing the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

"The American solider was represented on the cover of Time by three helmeted and uniformed soldiers from an artillery survey unit of the US Army's 1st Armored Division nicknamed the "Tomb Raiders" after being assigned the task of searching for weapons in a Baghdad cemetery."

Seems odd to select the "Tomb Raiders" who seem to have been monumentally unsuccessful in their grave task of finding the legendary WMDs. Then again maybe Time has discovered that weapon which has always eluded the Americans ... irony.

More Bull's Gonads

2003-12-19T19:05:00.000Z

Ian Huntley's mother told the Sun newspaper this morning that her son "...ought t' bleedin' hang for the monstrous crimes what he committed!"
And suddenly the reasons for Huntley ending up the way he did become apparent.
In a deliberately contentious poll last night 94% of Channel Five News viewers (all six of them) wanted a return of the death penalty for child molesters...which says more about Channel Five viewers than it does about the true state of affairs within the justice system.
One person on the new death row, of course, would be Michael Jackson who, whilst facing several accounts of child molestation, has been allowed to visit Britain this week. Still riding the Soham gravy train the British media are currently whipping the public into a Christmas lynching frenzy. All notions of 'innocent until proven guilty' have conveniently vanished along with 'human rights' and 'access to Belmarsh for lawyers.'
The cancer-stricken child at the centre of the Jackson allegations has, apparently, found himself on the receiving end of no less than seven 'celebrity paedophile' cases in the past.
"I've made a few bad choices in celebrity holiday destinations...for which, of course, we've been financially compensated," said the boy's mother. "But this Christmas I'm sending him round to Gary Glitter's house to make sure he's out of harm's way."

Anyone willing to brave the casting couch?

2003-12-17T10:49:00.000Z

Pre-Christmas Bollocks

2003-12-16T23:10:00.000Z

Tonight I'm bogged off by several items.
Firstly there's that advert on the telly sponsored by the Anti-Smoking Hitler Youth. The one with all those kids breathing out smoke accompanied by the words, "If you smoke then I smoke too." That's not on! Have you seen the price of fags these days? The little bastards can buy their own! It costs me an arm, a leg and one lung in taxes to give those little twats a pointless education as it is, just so they can leave school and embark on a life of mindless crime and shit, manufactured pop music. If they want to smoke they can get themselves a job or dowse themselves with petrol or something.
Secondly, what gives with all this crap about the government having to build loads more runways in Britain? The thought of John Prescott pushing a wheelbarrow of tarmac across an airfield with his arsecrack on display is bad enough...but I was under the impression that nobody flew anywhere any more. For the last two years, since that twin eyesore in New York was demolished, the news programmes have constantly been harping on about airlines going bankrupt. So how come suddenly there aren't enough runways to support the traffic? Is this just the government diverting our attention away from something more important? Such as the rising body count in Iraq.
Speaking of which...thirdly...the Americans now want to try a head of state for murdering half a million innocent Iraqis...presumably because they can't try him for harbouring weapons of mass destruction. Well, I'm all for it! Let's publicly execute Bush seeing as he's killed fifty-odd thousand innocent Iraqis on a false premise himself. Well...I say fifty-odd thousand...that was the last estimate and it's currently rising. We don't keep track of how many Iraqis are now dead...only American and British occupying forces have any relevance in the real world.
And finally...I've got the stinking flu again for Christmas! Every bastard year without fail! I've got snot coming out of every orifice including the letterbox on the front door, and then some. I'm virtually deaf on one side of my head and I ache in places that I didn't know existed this time last week. I blame it all on those dirty, little, cigarette stealing bastards in Iceland who can't be arsed covering their fucking mouths when they cough and sneeze and don't seem to understand the meaning of the words, "Get away from me you snotty faced little shit!"

Joker beats the Ace of Spades

2003-12-15T23:11:00.000Z

American intelligence agents (insert your own joke here) have finally finished checking Saddam's hair and throat for those elusive weapons of mass destruction and have now moved on to the question of how best to publicly ~~humiliate/kill~~ try him. Saddam was discovered on Saturday morning in an eight foot hole (shouldn't that be in metric figures these days?) beneath a privy in Tekrit, disguised rather stupidly as that other international figure of hate Terence Sedgwick. (Sedgwick himself was discovered last Tuesday hiding in Ann Widdicombe's own eight-foot hole.)
Tired and confused due to the concoction of drugs the American forces pumped into him, Saddam posed briefly for the cameras...defiantly proving what a big fuss about nothing American POWs had made in front of Iraqi cameras a few months ago.
Tony Blair has already distanced Britain from any trial that might involve the death penalty. (Nice one Tony! Pontious Pilot strikes again, eh?)
Said a spokesman for the Whitehouse, "We would have captured him earlier but it took us fifteen days to decide on a name for the operation. At first we thought, "Cobra Strike" but that sounded a bit gay. Eventually we hit upon the title of the little known and really shit film "Red Dawn." It's about a bunch of plucky young American students fighting back against terrorism...although on reflection Steptoe and Son might have been more appropriate."
Since Saddam's capture British news programmes have suspended all other news, preferring instead to repeat the three and a half seconds of his medical footage over and over again.
"Material hasn't been stretched this thin since the last series of Graham Norton," commented Mr Seagull in the Fisherman's Arms tonight. "Although Ann Diamond's knicker elastic has come pretty close at times."
The circus continues although edited highlights will be repeated through Bush's re-election campaign.

"We've got 'im ... By George we think we've got 'im ... errrr ... we think we've got 'im. Anyway we've got someone with a daggy beard."

2003-12-15T09:29:00.000Z

Now, what about that other bloke...Ozzy bin Osbourne or whatever his name was...?

2003-12-14T17:58:00.000Z

December 2003: Bugger! Obviously the false beard disguise wasn't as cunning as I originally thought.

Are you a friendly coalition folk? If not, go folk yourself!

2003-12-12T12:01:00.000Z
Anger in Europe over the U.S. decision to exclude countries, including France, Germany and Russia, from billions of dollars worth of Iraqi reconstruction contracts is not going away. Thursday, the European Union called the move unjustified and difficult to accept.

"It does seem gratuitous and unnecessary," said Anthony Gooch, a spokesman for the EU's delegation in Washington. He denounced the move as puzzling, especially since it comes at a time when President Bush has been telephoning the leaders of European nations asking for their help in forgiving Iraqi debt.

"On a day when you see President Bush seeking the active support of three heads of government from Russia, Germany and France to help restructure Iraq's debt, that while the left hand is doing one thing while the right hand is doing something else, it does suggest a certain incoherence," he continued.

But the president, in his first public comments about the dispute, defended the decision in an exchange with reporters.

"Our people risked their lives," defended Mr. Bush. "Friendly coalition folks risked their lives and therefore the contracting is going to reflect that and that's what the U.S. ~~voters~~ taxpayers expect."

AKA Statement #319 in the re-election campaign or Item #23a/2b in the Haliburton Annual Report.

Might be nice if these contracts were "going to reflect" and address the needs of your common or garden embattled Iraqi in the street.

(Sorry about that. I just had a very silly Pollyanna moment.)

Strange Report of the Week

2003-12-05T18:40:00.000Z
Yesterday, CNN reported a story of a burglar in Australia who is breaking into people's homes, stealing their valuables, and in each case leaves behind a sort of "calling card"...a photocopied picture of his naked bottom. Be honest, Sedgwick...do you have anything to do with this?

Accomplishments as President By GEORGE W. BUSH

2003-12-03T20:43:00.000Z
* I attacked and took over two countries.

* I spent the U.S. surplus and bankrupted the Treasury.

* I shattered the record for biggest annual deficit in history.

* I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.

* I set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.

* I am the first president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.

* I am the first president in US history to enter office with a criminal record.

* In my first year in office I set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in US history.

* After taking the entire month of August 2001 off for vacation, I presided over the worst security failure in US history.

* I set the record for most campaign fundraising trips by any president in US history.

* In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their jobs.

* I cut unemployment benefits for more out-of-work Americans than any other president in US history.

* I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.

* I appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in US history.

* I set the record for the fewest press conferences of any president since the advent of TV.

* I signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any other president in US history.

* I presided over the biggest energy crises in US history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.

* I presided over the highest gasoline prices in US history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.

* I cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.

* I set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind

* I dissolved more international treaties than any president in US history.

* I've made my presidency the most secretive and unaccountable of any in US history.

* Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US history. (The 'poorest' multimillionaire, Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her).

* I am the first president in US history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt.

* I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud in any market in any country in the history of the world.

* I am the first president in US history to order a US attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation, and I did so against the will of the United Nations and the world community.

* I have created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.

* I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any other president in US history.

* I am the first president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the Human Rights Commission.

* I am the first president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the Elections Monitoring Board.

* I removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of Congressional oversight than any presidential administration in US history.

* I rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.

* I withdrew from the International Criminal Court.

* I refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.

* I am the first president in US history to refuse United Nations election inspectors access during the 2002 US elections.

* I am the all-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.

* The biggest lifetime contributor to my campaign, who is also one of my best friends, presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEOof Enron Corporation).

*I spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in US history.

* I am the first president to run and hide when the US came under attack (and then lied, saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)

* I am the first US president to establish a secret shadow government.

* I took the world's sympathy for the US after 911, and in less than a year made the US the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in US and world history).

* I am the first US president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe(71%)view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.

* I am the first US president in history to have the people of South Korea feel more threatened by the US than by their immediate neighbor, North Korea.

* I changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.

* I set the all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated US law by not selling their huge investments in corporations bidding for gov't contracts.

* I have removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in US history.

* In a little over two years I have created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided that the US has been since the civil war.

* I entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down, record unemployment being the most recent achievement.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

* I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas drug conviction has been erased and is not available).

* I was AWOL from the National Guard and deserted the military during a time of war.

* I refuse to take a drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.

* All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my fathers library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

* All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

* All minutes of meetings of any public corporation for which I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

* Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

SOURCE.

Same old...same old...

2003-11-30T18:20:00.000Z

wizzo chaps (chiz chiz) wer now the listnin careing shareing govermmmnt cos our leader hous master toni he say im listnin to the oiks thay kan ee-male me and texk me (hem hem) and tellyfone me and tell me wat thay think and wat i should do with the cuntry (Huraah for Sportsmaster Toni!!!!!) But then he dosent giv anyone his ee-male adresss or his fone number or his texk facks thing whatever it iz so nowon kan get in tuch with him too mak him listen to them. Not that it maters anywa becos if he did here anybody sayin somethin then it wood no dowt be in a dopeler affect as sevral months ago toni alzo say i hav no revers geer so im not listnin anyhow. and besides thos oiks hav nothing worth while saying anywai becose they ar stoopid and hav no propper educashon becos its to expensiv. but all thiz listnin and carin stuff maks uz look gud and wat with chrimbo coming (raz raz) we need evryone to ralli behind uz and help uz put ar decorashons up in the first formers house ov comons room so we beter luk good or else. Natrally the lord chanslors chrissmaz deckies ar the mos expensive (as usual!!!!!!!!!!!!) costin abowt fife million squid a streemer cos there made of solid gold and its traditshon and wot not. And toni say mek sure that deupty hed boy lardars prescott dosent eet all the pork pies again thiz yeer like he did last chrispmas and then get drunk and punch the refectry staff in there oiky faces chiz chiz!
anyways i say hapy chrispmass evryone and hers to clare short former hed gurl wererever she mite be.

Diego Garcia - doesn't he run the tapas bar on the High Street?

2003-11-29T23:18:00.000Z
The Ilois (also known as Chagossians) are one of the most poverty-stricken groups of people in the world. They are Creoles, claiming descent from the ancestors originating from India, Madagascar, Mauritius and Mozambique who were mostly African slaves or Indian labourers. Today they number around 7,000 and most of them inhabit an urban slum called Cassis on Mauritius, impoverished and marginalised from Mauritian society.
Life is very hard for the Ilois. They have a 60% unemployment rate (the rate for native Mauritians is 4% for men and 15% for women) and 45% are illiterate. Out of despair many of the younger Ilois men have resorted to alcohol, drugs and crime while many women owe their continuing existence to prostitution. The suicide rate is very high.

So what? There are cultures all over the world who have an even tougher existence.

On the 21st May, 2002, Jack Straw signed a document that effectively made the Ilois British Citizens as they were formerly inhabitants of a British colony. The problem is, the ungrateful wretches don’t want British passports. They want to go home.

Home is the Chagos Archipelago, a collection of tiny islands and atolls situated in the middle of the Indian Ocean, a thousand miles south of Mauritius. The largest island is a tropical paradise called Diego Garcia. The Ilois survived by fishing or cultivating sugar cane and coconuts. They didn’t have cars, telephones or any gizmo a western culture would consider essential to daily life life. But their culture has flourished in the archipelago since the early nineteenth century and what they did have was theirs – or so they thought.

The Chagos Archipelago is part of the British Indian Ocean Territory (BIOT), or what remains of it after the Seychelles gained independence in 1976. Its three thousand inhabitants lived their lives, bothering no one. But all that changed in 1967.

Just two words changed the lives of the Ilois - strategic importance. In the northern hemisphere the Cold War was at its height. The US needed a base within reach of southern USSR. Britain had the real estate that exactly fitted the bill – Diego Garcia. In a secret deal with the US, the then Prime Minister Harold Wilson, Britain, gave the US a fifty year lease on Diego Garcia and allowed them to establish a military base (the lease expires in 2016). The US Navy has a base on the island and so does the US Air Force (for long range B1 and B52 bombers).

Suddenly the Ilois found themselves labelled as “contract labourers” rather than an indigenous culture. Harold Wilson served up the archipelago to British and US politicians as “uninhabited” which was a cynical lie. Their existence officially denied, even refused birth certificates that could identify them as born and bred Chagossians, the Ilois found themselves illegally and callously disenfranchised.

Between 1965 and 1973 the entire population of the Chagos Archipelago was either conned into leaving their homes or, during the final phase in 1973, forcibly removed, loaded onto boats and relocated to the Seychelles or Mauritius (mostly to the latter). They were forced to abandon their homes, their furniture, their livestock, their land and the cemeteries that contained generations of their ancestors (which made a complete nonsense of the “contract labour” soubriquet even without the birth certificates). Cast adrift in a strange land, destitute and lacking the skills to cope in society completely alien to their culture, the Ilois were left to rot for seven years. Britain then offered some financial assistance but is was pitifully too little, too late and was rejected by the majority of Ilois. They didn’t want foreign money or to live in a foreign slum, they wanted to go home.

In 1982, the plight the Ilois people was championed by World in Action and by a Labour backbench MP by the name of Robin Cook. Cook conveniently forgot all about them when he became a cabinet minister. Perhaps, when he resigned and unleashed his venom against his cabinet colleagues, he also conveniently forgot something else the public ought to know about Diego Garcia.

With the Cold War over Diego Garcia was used as a refuelling base during the Gulf War in 1991. During Operation Desert Fox in December 1998, B52s flew from Diego Garcia base to launch a payload of 100 cruise missiles at targets inside Iraq. The war against Afghanistan saw both B1 and B52 bombers take off from Diego Garcia. The base also played a crucial strategic role during the war with Iraq earlier this year and seems set to be a valuable military asset for some years to come.

In an article penned by Jeremy Corbyn MP, Corbyn points out that, when papers relating to the Diego Garcia deal were released under the thirty year rule, it was discovered that, quote, “Labour ministers and officials were very aware of the Ilois’ existence.” Presumably so were the people, both British and American, who cleared the Ilois out of the islands and saw evidence that they were not merely a transient population – unless you consider 200 years of continued occupation transient.

And the price of causing three thousand people and the following generation abject misery? Five million pound knocked off the price of a Polaris nuclear submarine!!! The US pays no rent or any other remuneration for its occupation of a British sovereign territory.

The Ilois won a seminal victory in the British courts in November, 2001 when their claim to the Chagos Archipelago was recognised, as was the illegality of their removal from their homes. Unfortunately, Phoney Tony, world statesman and indefatigable champion of Human Rights, had his government swiftly launch legislation permitting the Ilois to return to the Archipelago but not to Diego Garcia.

This was too much for the Ilois. Denied their existence, thrown out of their homes without compensation and now winning a victory only to have it snatched from them, they launched a new lawsuit, claiming for compensation against the British Government for the loss of their homes and for personal injury suffered during their eviction and resettlement. Appeal Court judge Mr. Justice Ousely dismissed the Ilois’ claim, perversely accepting the argument of the British Government which insisted that the Ilois held the status of mere contract labourers and not natives and therefore possessing no legal claim to the islands. In effect, Bleugghh took the lie spun by Wilson to oust the Ilois from their homeland and used it to keep them out and not pay them a penny in compensation, and all in the spirit of the “special relationship”. Pity Phoney isn’t as ruthless with the likes of hate-preaching Abu Hamza.

The term “contract labourers” hints at short term occupation of the islands yet the Ilois and their ancestors have inhabited the islands since at least 1814. Some contract!!!!! What sort of legal footing does this give any small nation founded by slaves, the impoverished and the dispossessed?

The judge sympathised, admitting the Ilois had been treated shamefully. Yet he denied them compensation because their claim had now been time barred. This is rich given that the British government refused to recognise the existence of the Ilois for thirty years and they could only bring their case to court once official documents acknowledging their existence had been released under the 30 year rule.

The Ilois continue to fight on, not only on British soil but by taking their case to the American courts too. I wish them well in their quest for justice.

As a foot note to this scandal, the US now has a new, even more sinister use for its base on Diego Garcia. The base is currently playing host to some al-Qaeda terrorists. Among the “guests” being detained and interrogated is Riduann Isamuddin, alias Hambali. Isamuddin is the leader of Jemaah Islamiyah, the Asian terrorist group believed responsible for the Bali bombing earlier this year.

Given the US track record for its treatment of Muslim prisoners held without charge at Guatanamo Bay, Cuba, it’s very likely that similar conditions exist on Diego Garcia which is, of course, firmly situated on British territory. Despite the atrocities these prisoners may or may not have committed, what happens inside Guatanamo is an international disgrace. If this sort of thing is occurring on British soil, with the full knowledge of New Labour ministers, then it is a scandal that potentially equals the recent Hanson enquiry into the death of Dr. David Kelly and the allegations that Downing Street sexed-up a WMD dossier to make a phoney case for a war with Iraq. Could this possibly be the reason for Phoney’s oh so feeble attempts to castigate Dubya for his unethical treatment of Guatanamo detainees whose guilt (or innocence) has not been established?

I think we should be told.

Be afraid, be very afraid!

2003-11-29T11:32:00.000Z
It is a quiet Saturday night downunder. It's 10 p.m. and it's still hot. The first big bushfires of the season are up and running. The wombats are all tucked up in bed with smiles on their faces. I read them a nice bed-time story. The one about Goldilocks and the 3 incredibly well hung bears.

I've nearly finished the slab of Fosters. Before I pour myself into bed I thought I should have a look at a site or six. Below are some snippets from some of the finest American blogs it's been my pleasure to try to comprehend.
Sarge's Stars & Stripes Bulletin
A Blog for Americans.........Respecting God, Country and our President! Items of interest for American Citizens and the Servicemembers of the United States Air Force, Army, Navy, Marines, and Coast Guard.

They, who have protected us in the past, protect us in the present and will protect us in the future, under God; we owe our FREEDOM and our THANKS! Now, have a cup a' joe and stay awhile. Ya' know I ain't always Right; but I'm never Left!
Hey you! Don't be a pinko commie! Support Capitalism, and support this website. Keep praying to Allah, boys. In a few years we'll be sending the Terminator after your ass.
One day the world will realize that the threat from Islamofascists has nothing to do with American foreign policy, or oil, or any other damn thing. These are people who have declared war on the west, and it is a war that the west simply must win.

Unfortunately I think that it is going to take another massive terrorist attack before some begin to acknowledge this indisputable fact.
IF THE DRAFT WILL LET ME SERVE AGAIN, THEN I'M FOR IT!
Moments like this one reminds me of the President we all got to know right after 9/11, the man some of us already knew as Governor of Texas, a standup guy with his heart in the right place and a keen sense of what's right and what's wrong and humility and gratitude towards those who man the wall throughout the long, dark night, keeping us all safe inside.

THAT'S the Bush that fills me with pride, THAT'S the Bush that I have faith in and THAT'S the Bush that I'd go through Hell and high water for.
Right We Are! - a conservative, pro-US, Republican blog by two chicks on the Right side!
OK, I really dislike this asshat [Al Franken] and he may very well try to run for the senate. Well, I must admit I would much rather these celebs who are on the left put their money where their mouth is and run for office instead of just using their celebrity to run at the mouth and write books when that is not their job. In the past, it only seemed like Republican celebs actually got the balls to run and be a politician. Ronald Reagan, Sonny Bono, Fred Thompson, Arnold and so on.

These "movie stars" [Susan Sarandon and Martin Sheen] flap their lips but never actually step up to the plate and "DO" anything. The "Terminator" is temporarily giving up his movie career and getting into office! He's not just at some movie premier flapping his lips.

I hate this woman [Barbra Streisand] more and more each day. What else is new in her little rich bitch world besides more pissing and moaning? Frankly I'm surprised she has not gotten together with the pile of poo Michael Moore to make more movies with lies.

Welsh Titbits

2003-11-29T09:53:00.000Z

Dirty Sanchez: Channel Four Friday Night

Now here's an original premise...a group of sad tossers whacking each other as hard as they can with rulers, elastic bands, large slabs of metal etc. Nothing like Jack Ass at all really, except with gentials on view, bad language not bleeped out and Welsh accents.
Having witnessed last night one mindless bellend slapping his testicles into a snooker table pocket whilst his mate took pot shots at them (bursting his scrotum in the process I should add...thus displaying exactly how much balls a stunt like that requires) I think I can quite safely say that the bravest thing these lads could do would be to admit that they were masochist homosexuals and have done with it once and for all.

For the one you love.

2003-11-28T13:46:00.000Z
This on the queries log:

cheap arse presents

Blue Poofter (from the BBC Innovations Division) presents - the DIY Christmas butt plug. Take some sticky-back plastic, some recycled Christmas cards and tinsel. Roll them altogether into a tight wad (geddit???) and shove them up the starfish of your loved one.

If you are a bloke seeking something special for the wife/girlfriend/slapper in your life that isn't going to deplete the Crimbo booze fund then Poundstretcher has everything you could wish for.

If it's my other half searching the net out of desperation for a wifely gift idea then please take note that I've just ordered that eight grand orgasmogizmo on your credit card you cheapskate sod.

Has the Rampant Rabbit had its day?

2003-11-28T13:14:00.000Z
An orothpaedic surgeon in the US discovered that, while stimulating various nerves in a female patient's spine during an operation performed while she was conscious, it resulted in her achieving an instantaneous orgasm. The doctor has now devised an implant that only needs the touch of a button for it's female implantee to achieve instant sexual gratification whenever she desires.

There is one drawback. For a price tag of £8000 I would expect not only the earth to move but the universe as well. Guess I'll have to wait for the cheaper, more discrete Japanese model to hit the shelves of the well known High Street chain of sex stores.

Premature Ejaculation?

2003-11-28T12:46:00.000Z
This on the queries log:

jonny wilkinson & wanker

To my knowledge Jonny has not yet had the (questionable) privilege of being personally congratulated by Phoney Bliar in front of a media photocall. Surely a missed opportunity Phoney Baloney will not allow to endure for too long?

Put on a frock, a bit of lippy and a pair of sensible shoes and stop the big dry getting you down.

2003-11-28T00:03:00.000Z

'Fun guys' wanted for Miss Outback quest
The [ironically named] south-western Queensland town of Augathella is urging young men to join its Miss Outback quest.

The male-only competition is in its second year and organisers say they are looking for entrants who do not mind having fun and who are in touch with their feminine side.

Trisha Arden from the Augathella Cultural Association says it is hoped Miss Outback will provide some light relief from the severe drought in the region.

"It's not just the women suffering, it's the men, it's whole families and people really are looking to have a night out to just forget the drought," she said.

"It really lift people's spirits - last year people had something else to talk about for a little while - so I think that's what the issue here is, just having a little bit of fun."

I'm just not going to make a comment.

Another joke found on the internet this week that wasn't about Michael Jackson.

2003-11-27T13:34:00.000Z
Tony Blair is attending his weekly briefing at Buck House. As he and the Queen sip their Earl Grey Phoney begins to speculate about what the UK should call itself if he and not the Queen should rule.
"It could still be called the United Kingdom I suppose," said Phoney.
The Queen looked at him over her glasses. "You are not a king so the word kingdom would no longer be appropriate," she replied in her stately voice.
"How about empire?" enquired Phoney.
The Queen shook her head. "No that won't do at all. You are not an emperor so you cannot rule an empire even if Britain still had one."
Phoney smiled the ingratiating, toothy smile he normally reserved for assuring people he wasn't a liar. "Then what would you suggest Ma'am?" he asked of the sovereign.
The Queen took another sip of tea. Then she fixed her Prime Minister with a shrewd stare and smiled faintly.
"I believe the term country would do very nicely," she replied.

A joke that I found on the internet this week that wasn't about Michael Jackson.

2003-11-27T10:33:00.000Z
US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school.
After 15 minutes speaking he says, “I will now answer any questions
you have.”

Bobby stands up and says: “I have four questions:
1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven’t you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?”

Just then the bell goes off and the kids rushed out to play. Upon
returning, Mr. Ashcroft said: “I am sorry we were interrupted. I
will answer any questions you have.”

A little girl called Julie stands up and says: “I have six questions:
1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven’t you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?
5. Why did the bell ring twenty minutes early?
6. Where’s Bobby?

Eng-a-land...Eng-a-land...

2003-11-26T20:29:00.000Z

As the Soham murder trial continued at the Old Bailey yesterday, the jury were treated to Ian Huntley's version of events.
According to Huntley the girls had visited him on the evening of their disappearance, one of them complaining of a nose bleed. Being a good, kind-hearted soul, Huntley had led the girls up to the bathroom where he ever-so-slightly accidentally knocked one of the girls into a bath full of water. He had filled the bath in preparation for washing his dog, Trixie-licks.
It was only a tiny, accidental tap but enough to knock the schoolgirl unconscious and force her to somehow drown in an inch of bubblebath.
Unable to fish her friend out, presumably due to the fact that she'd swallowed four tons of lead before falling into the bathtub, the other girl began to scream. Huntley felt it necessary to stifle her sobs by ever-so-gently placing his hand across her mouth. And blow me...if she didn't suffercate!
Naturally seized with uncontrolable panic Huntley then cut off the girls' clothes with a pair of scissors (as you would) and drove their dead bodies down to the woods in the boot of his car before carefully dumping them.
On the way back three pixies leapt from the bushes and told him that he'd better not tell the truth to the police. The pixies then left on a very fat pig with small stubby wings known as Cecil.
Coh! What are the chances of that happening eh?

Elsewhere, Tony Blair has decided to conduct an, "I'm listening...no honest I am..." campaign. The idea is to allow the public to voice their opinions on what he should do to cheer them up in the future.
All together now...

Water Carry On

2003-11-26T15:51:00.000Z

Three weeks ago I received a circular from the company that supplies water to my area. Included in the bumpf was a mention about the British Government’s intention to mass medicate British people with fluoride via the water supply. I was given the opportunity to record my opinion (which I did) with the assurance that the result of the poll would go to the relevant government office responsible for public health.
I opted for the online poll and made my feelings clear – for the sake of children’s teeth wouldn’t it be preferable to teach them oral hygiene rather than oral sex?
We are duly informed that fluoridation is harmless. It will prevent tooth decay and prevent diseases in later life.
Yeah, right.
What they don’t say is that the chemical they want to introduce to a population whose bodies are already under toxic attack from pollution in the environment is itself the by product of the aluminum and fertilizer industries.
Yes that’s right.
They want to dump an industrial pollutant in our water supply.
Phoney Bleugghh is very good at telling us what is good for us. He forces our kids to have the MMR vaccine or nothing at all. We are still awaiting confirmation that young Leo has been vaccinated but Bleugghh is keeping annoyingly schtum thus fuelling speculation that Leo has not had the jab the courts have shamefully foisted on at least two children despite their mothers objections. A growing number of parents are now risking the health of their children in fear that the MMR vaccine has the potential to do worse damage.
Then there is Tone’s unhealthy obsession with GM crops. Fortunately things are not going his way at the moment. Even his pet experts have to admit that the commercial introduction of GM crops in Britain will result in widespread pollen pollution. Lovely!!!!
Now he wants us all to take our medicine even if we don’t want it. Fluoridation appears to be a nice little scam to get people to pay for the disposal of a poisonous and, in many cases carcinogenic, industrial waste via our water supply. Obviously this is what the bastard is talking about when he tells us of his commitment to clean up the environment.
Fluoridation is intended to strengthen the enamel of children’s teeth. Fluoride toothpastes are designed for the same job and, yes you’ve guessed it – the fluoride is the same byproduct of industrial processes and not the pure stuff most of us think has been clinically concocted in some pristine lab.
While fluoride is initially good for strengthening the enamel of children’s teeth it is also associated with:

Thyroid cancers and other cancers

Dental and skeletal fluorosis – irreparable damage to teeth and bones through the ingestion of excess fluoride – there is also fluoride in many process foods so how the hell do you restrict the dose?

Arthritis

Alzheimer’s Disease. Fluoride from the aluminium industry all too readily absorbs aluminium and other nasty metals linked with this appalling condition. It is not purified before being sold as a "harmless" additive to water.

The list goes on but I think that by now you get the gist of what Tone wants for us. Fluoride is also an active ingredient in Fluoxetine (Prozac) which has a tendency to turn otherwise normal people into happy, vacant zombies. And the laugh is we are told that bottled natural mineral water is bad for us because of the (usually harmless) bacteria found swimming in it. The Dental Association is concerned that children who drink mineral water instead of fizzy pop are at risk of dental decay because they are not taking in enough fluoride. I rather thought that not drinking fizzy pop is itself a protection against dental decay. What I say is fuck the experts who are promoting mass medication in the face of scientific research that links fluoride with life threatening illnesses. As for me, I’ll take the germs over Phoney every time.

Pink Revolution Latest!!!

2003-11-26T09:34:00.000Z
“We caught them in flagrante delicto,” said Constable Quentin Spiderpoke of London’s Thought Police, Lavender Hill Division. “When Colin Straightbloke was ordained as Bishop of Battersea we just knew it would only be a matter of time before we caught him officiating over a bi-sex marriage. He has now been taken to Greek Street HQ where he will be given a thorough probing. ”
“It’s disgusting,” said Assistant Commissioner Brenda Beanflicker. “An affront to our politically correct minority sensibilities. We won a seminal victory when the word “marriage” was finally expunged from government records and documents. Then it was a positive step forward when hetero marriage was no longer recognized in British law and having the word marriage removed from the dictionary was the icing on the fairy cake. Personally, I don’t think I can ever rest until heterosexual relationships are outlawed entirely and children conceived by artificial insemination. Maybe psychiatry can help these poor deluded non-gay souls.”
Bishop Straightbloke last week organized the protest supporting the cause of disenfranchised straight couples and their children. Millions marched On Downing Street to protest the decision of Prime Minister Tony Bleugghh’s government to wage war on old fashioned Christian values and bi-sex family units other than his own. Unfortunately the PM wasn't at home. He remembered, at the last minute, he was scheduled to hold talks with a delegation of Welsh and Yorkshire farmers in the north of England who are seeking to give sheep equal legal status on a parity with sponges and gusset typists.
Yesterday Bishop Straightbloke was determined to free his millions strong flock from what he describes as the oppression of politically correct “pink Nazi” minorities. “I’ll be buggered if I give up,” he said grimly.

Praise the Lord! Praise Allah! Those nasty, elusive WMDs found at last!!Apologies expected from Doubting Thomases.Immediately!

2003-11-26T01:53:00.000Z

One of the Eeyores of mass destruction
undergoes precautionary full cavity search.

" The Palestine and Sheraton hotels in central Baghdad were hit by a volley of five rockets fired from donkey carts at about 7:15 this morning.

Three donkey carts covered in hay, a common sight in Baghdad in the early morning, were found loaded with home-made concrete rocket launchers with steel tubes. They were housing either 107-milimeter Soviet-made Katushya rockets or 122-milimeter Brazilian-made Aspro rockets, powerful weapons that can hit targets at a range of 10 miles.

The donkeys attached to the carts were all tethered to trees and the rockets were set off by a home-made system using timer fuses and car batteries. One was outside the Palestine Hotel and another outside the Oil Ministry."

Despite all those nasty things people say about George, you have to admit ... HE'S A COMPLETE ARSEHOLE!

2003-11-25T21:07:00.000Z
Bush, who wore a U.S. Army jacket over his blue shirt and dark tie, drew whoops of delight from assembled soldiers when he vowed revenge against those who have slain Americans.

"Anyone who seeks to harm our soldiers knows that our great soldiers are hunting for them." He again said U.S. resolve would not be shaken and a stable democracy would be forged in Iraq "because the United States of America will not be intimidated by a bunch of thugs."

Fort Carson has sent 12,000 soldiers to Iraq and suffered large losses, including four soldiers killed in a Chinook helicopter shot down over Falluja Nov. 2.

"Every person who dies in the line of duty leaves a family which lives in sorrow and comrades who must go in without them," he said.

Bush uncharacteristically* singled out one victim, Staff Sgt. Daniel Bader, 28, of York, Neb., who died in the Chinook crash and left a wife, Tiffany, and a 14-month-old daughter.

The White House has said in the past the president cannot pick and choose which funerals to attend and to whom to pay tribute without potentially offending other families who do not receive presidential attention.

But Bush used the Bader death *to make a political point, quoting the words of the dead soldier's wife from a newspaper account.

"I'm going to wait until she is old enough to realize what has happened, and I will tell her exactly what her daddy did for her," Bush quoted the widow as saying of her daughter. "He died serving his country, so my little girl could grow up free."

In his speech, Bush didn't mention Elaine Johnson, whose son Darius Jennings was one of four Fort Carson soldiers on the Chinook helicopter that was shot down Nov. 2.

When Johnson was at the Fort Carson chapel a week ago for her son's memorial service, she wondered aloud why the president had visited South Carolina in the week of her son's funeral but had not bothered to attend or to send any message to her or her family.

"Evidently my son wasn't important enough to him dead for him to visit the family or call the family," she said then. "As long as my son was alive he was important, because he sent him over there to fight a war."

AN ARSEHOLE, A COMPLETE ARSEHOLE ... but an arsehole that comes up smelling of roses (roses fed by the blood and bone of others) to Johnny and Tony.

Rugby Players Do It With Odd Shaped Gnadgers...

2003-11-24T18:46:00.000Z

Georgian rebels celebrate the humiliating defeat of the Ozzies at the hands of the Poms by waving the English flag in front of the Parliament building.

Why am I reminded of the armless, legless Black Knight from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" ?

2003-11-24T11:51:00.000Z
"Brig. Gen. Mark Kimmitt said coalition offensive operations continue the length and breadth of Iraq. He said the attacks anti-coalition forces are launching on coalition troops are "insignificant." Kimmitt said the coalition is facing an enemy that cannot defeat it militarily. "In engagement after engagement, we see the enemy breaking off and running away,"* he said. "Militarily, their attacks are insignificant against coalition forces."

Kimmitt would not discuss specifics about the soldiers' deaths Sunday and rebuffed all questions about the circumstances. "We're not going to be ghoulish about this," he said.

Reporters asked how U.S. troops have changed tactics against the enemy that seems to want to get closer to coalition troops. "There are offensive operations that we have conducted recently -- Iron Hammer, Ivy Cyclone, Rifle Blitz -- that are causing us to get awful close to the enemy as well," Kimmitt said. "Every time we fight them, we win. Our soldiers are not afraid of this enemy. This enemy is not well-trained; he may be clever at times." He said overall the country remains stable, and all forces are on the alert."

*Would someone please send Brig. Gen. Mark Kimmitt a manual on guerilla warfare.

"Terrorism is a technique. It is not an ideology or a political philosophy, let alone an enemy state." Jonathan Steele.

(FYI Twisted. Hot linking.)

Dear Dr. Twisted, I had a few minutes to spare and thought I'd just crimp this off...

2003-11-24T11:27:00.000Z
Dr. Twisted would like to introduce you to the declaration of a very sensitive young man who wants to reach out to the world so that he can share the pain of his encounter with a black-hearted faction that so threatens his cosy security and rose tinted vision. His words come from the heart so Twisted, out of the kindness of her own cold and stony heart, is happy to oblige him.

Yo boy said:

Repeat after me: realize that nothing I say matters to anyone else on the entire planet.
My opinions are useless and unfocused. I am an expert in nothing. I know
nothing. I am confused about almost everything. I cannot, as an
individual, ever possibly know everything, or even enough to make editorial
commentary on the vast vast majority of things that exist in my world. This
is a stupid document; it is meaningless drivel that I do not expect
any of the several billion people on my planet to actually read. People who
do read my rambling, incoherent dumbfuckery are probably just as confused as
I am, if not moreso, as they are looking to my sorry ass for an opinion when
they should be outside playing Frisbee with their dog or screwing their life
partner or getting a dog or getting a life partner. Anyone who actually
takes the time to read my bullshit probably deserves to ingest my fucked up
and obviously mistaken opinions on whatever it is that I have written about.

And Dr. Twisted replied:

Don’t be so down Yo. I took the time to read your bullshit and while it might have been rambling it was surprisingly coherent. And of course what you say matters – somewhere in time and space and in a galaxy far, far away. I’m sorry you feel that you are an expert in nothing but hey – we can’t all be perfect can we? I know I’m not. You need to feel more positive about yourself. Buy that Frisbee! Walk that dog! Invest in a more tarty lip gloss for your inflatable life partner! Your sorry ass opinion, after all, is hardly going to change people’s lives, especially the crew of ROTW, so don’t let your confusion dumbfuck your own life. We at ROTW don’t take ourselves too seriously and we are amazed that anyone so deeply affected by our personal opinions and satirical observations should open himself to us in such a way. We are touched but not, apparently, as touched as you. Dr. Twisted recommends that, for the time being (or at least until you get through puberty), you refrain from hanging around blog boards containing material written by warped English bastards who steadfastly refuse to believe the sun of righteousness shines out of either Dubya’s or Bleugghh’s arses or the arse of any other politician you care to nominate. If such knowledge offends and injures your tender young psyche then I suggest you go visit somewhere more therapeutic and in keeping with your age – like the Teletubbies website.

Thank you for sharing your innermost feelings with us Yo. I believe everyone is entitled to an opinion. I found yours amusing and worthy of an honorable mention in despatches. Naturally, as a twisted, black-hearted, English bitch, I find that you epitomize the soubriquet of dumbfuckery. However, it is also my opinion that you are as miserable a bastard as any blogger who posts on this site. And this fellow miserable bastard, in recognition of this fact, salutes you.

Have a nice day now.

There Aint No Sanity Clause's cartoon de jour.

2003-11-24T02:43:00.000Z

Another Mandy Moment.
Senator Amanda Vanstone, Australia's heavy-weight Minister for Immigyration, says there are hundreds of boats in Australian waters at any one time and it is possible they could carry terrorists.

"I don't have particular advice with respect to whether any particular boats have [terrorists on board], but I mean boats can carry any number of people with any number of occupations and any sort of intent."

There Aint No Sanity Clause.

TOP BOLLOCKS AND A LOAD OF OLD COBBLERS

2003-11-23T09:48:00.000Z
I thought I would be speculating on how long it took Bleugghh to claim England's Rugby World Cup victory for his own but it seems that Joke Chirac has already beaten him to it.
He has claimed England's triumph as a victory for Europe.
A victory for Europe?
I think not, especially since Johnson's lads despatched the French national team in classic style.
When that twenty-seconds-to-spare drop kick flew off Jonny Wilkinson's boot he wasn't thinking of a European victory or giving advantage to any screw-yer-arse politican. He triumphed for his team; for the English fans; for England. So cobblers to you Wanker Chirac!!!
Never before have I watched such a nail biting match. I applauded Tuqiri's first try for Australia because it was so audacious. I applauded even harder when Jason Robinson scored his own try. And Wilkinson's foot continued to send the ball sailing between the uprights giving England a 5-17 lead at half time. Then all through the second half I was biting my nails, willing Elton Flatley to miss the penalties handed to him by the seemingly endless mistakes of the English side. The Wallabies pressed hard and I marvelled at their skill and tenacity (between the cussing) as they exploited every single mistake. By this time my nails were nibbled to the quick. And when the ref gave a penalty to the Aussies in the closing moments of the match, which allowed them to equalise, I was beside myself, groaning with the agony of it.
Both teams played brilliantly; England in the first half and Australia in the second half. But someone had to lose and I am overjoyed that this time it wasn't us.
The result more than made up for the shame brought upon us by our serially shite English cricket team. And Jonny Wilkinson outshone the serially thuggish, over paid and overrated football brat, Wayne Rooney, in both coolness of talent and decent behaviour on the pitch. They call football "the beautiful game"??? Kiss my ring!!! It's rugby all the way for me; a game played by real blokes rather than nancies in alice bands. Besides, Rugby players fill their strips far better than football players ever could and the raw energy they exude on pitch leaves this girl in a real lather. Gimme beefcake Johnson (and that Tuquiri's a bit of all right too) over weedy Beckham any day!!!
My congratulations to the English side for their stunning win and my commiserations to Sedgers for an equally stunning loss.

Innocent by degrees?

2003-11-21T11:16:00.000Z
Both Bleugghh and Shrub went before the cameras yesterday and denounced the actions of the terrorists that destroyed lives and property in Istanbul. Both piously condemned the murder of innocent victims. And so they should. Terrorism cannot and must not be tolerated.
However, rhetoric about the innocent victims of terrorism, as spoken from the mouths of our wonderful Gruesome Twosome, to whom the innocent victims of the bombing of Iraq and Afghanistan were repackaged as as the more media friendly regretable-but-necessary collateral damage, makes their words ring very hollow indeed.
The words "glass houses" and "stones" spring instantly to mind.

Here's the steam off my shit...satisfied now.

2003-11-21T01:00:00.000Z

With Uncle Tony and Great Uncle Bush rebuilding each others egos this week rather than rebuilding the shattered economy of Iraq, it would be a cheap shot for me to target the blatently obvious. But, in lieu of the fact that there are no red cross depots left, here goes nothing. If Uncle Tony so vehemently shares Great Uncle Bush's opinion that the only way to deal with violence is with more violence, resulting in the deaths of innocent people...but, hey, that's war...it's to be expected...then perhaps he should consider arming the British police force, arming the British public and bringing back executions. (All wonderful American institutions, of course, and look how well behaved their criminals are.) So what if a few children accidentally blow their own heads off? So what if a few innocent victims get fried in the chair due to miscarriages of justice? Hey...that's war and shit happens. Well....it certainly does when it comes to voting prime ministers and presidents into power. Fellow Americans, please remember, today's terrorists were yesterday's freedom fighters. Ever heard of the American War of Independence? When that terrorist leader George Washington rose up against the liberating and beneficient King of Eng-a-land with acts of violence? Oh...sorry...wrong century. We've all moved a little to the right of centre politics since then...a little closer to Adolf and Benito.
My message to those who ought to know better, "Go home Great Uncle Bush...and please take Uncle Tony, Great Aunt Elizabeth and that bigotted old nazi shit of a Great, Great Uncle Philip with you."

Just Dropping My Guts...

2003-11-20T18:08:00.000Z

Michael Jackson, the lily-white pop starlet, has disappeared following a warrant issued for his arrest on multiple child abuse allegations. "We've no idea where he's hiding. That's the thing about Jackson," said a spokesman for the California police. "He just blends in with the crowd."

Meanwhile in Turkey terrorists have blown up the HSBC building. "This is a deliberate attack on Britain," said Tony Blair after wiping George Bush's semen from his chin at a press conference this afternoon. "The HSBC...otherwise known as the Hong Kong and Shanghai Banking Corporation...is a well known British target."
A second bomb also exploded in the British Embassy in Turkey this morning, killing twenty-five people. In a statement to the press, David Blunkett said, "We cannot tell you whether the British Ambassador was killed or not until we've informed his family."
Well done David...

"Let me in, let me in, little pig."

2003-11-19T20:33:00.000Z
LONDON - A British newspaper reporter infiltrated Buckingham Palace ahead of U.S. President George W. Bush's state visit, using a fake reference to get job on the royal staff, and was assigned to serve members of Bush's party in an embarrassing breach of security revealed today.

Buckingham Palace was conducting a "full investigation," a royal spokeswoman said. Home Secretary David Blunkett, whose department is responsible for law and order, said, "We are satisfied that both the security and the criminal records checks were done robustly and correctly and that there was no risk from this individual."

He emphasized that the Daily Mirror reporter had lied only about his work history. Blunkett said officials had resolved problems with physical security at the royal palaces, but conceded the failure to fully check the reporter's background "is a breach and it needs to be closed."

He added that the independent Security Commission would also review the apparent gap.

Prime Minister Tony Blair, asked about the report in the House of Commons, said, "I think it's important that we establish the facts first."

Goodness me, has young Tone has a Damascus Road conversion?!

Bring out your dead, bring 'em on ... but not in my backyard at the Whitehouse

2003-11-19T19:42:00.000Z
A half decent and compassionate leader of the anti-terrorist "Free World" might have found the time to go to Italy to attend the funeral service for 18 soldiers killed in Iraq rather than attending right royal photo opportunities which will no doubt figure prominently in the 2004 presidential election campaign.

I gather George doesn't like the sight of flag draped coffins. Doesn't like anyone else seeing them either.

After the Vietman experience it is understandable that George doesn't want to see, and doesn't want the voting public to see a flow of body bags and national coverage of funeral services.

Why they died was to further a President's fight for freedom from terrorism. Arguably a high noble cause.

How they were buried was to further a President's fight for office. Unarguably a base ignoble act.

These soldiers' deaths have been mightily devalued and disrespected.

Just Passin' Wind...

2003-11-19T18:11:00.000Z

Emperor Bush's election campaign continued today with a twenty-billion pound boost from the British tax payers, ensuring that all protesters were at least three miles away from his bomb proof limo. Said one of the five supporters who'd bothered to stand in front of the palace to wave at the mass-murdering chimp (...an American supporter incidentally...they were specially flown in because nobody in Britain could be arsed...), "No matter how ignorant the protesters are they're entitled to it. That's what's so good about living in America (sic)...freedom of speech."
Not so fucking good, of course, if you happen to live in Guantanamo Bay.

Meanwhile security at the palace was severely compromised when a Daily Mirror reporter disguised himself as a homosexual and took photographs of the royal bedrooms. Palace officials were said to be shocked. So was I...did you see the state of Prince Andrew's bedroom? What a shithole! And these people are supposed to have taste!
Naturally questions have been asked about how somebody could so easily break through the palace security system.
"The staff performed a thorough check into the man's background," explained David Blunkett in the Commons today. "And it turned out that he wasn't coloured so they let him through."

Neverland? Neverlearn!!!

2003-11-19T08:00:00.000Z
So, Jacko the Weirdo is being investigated for child abuse yet again. How come the parents who expose their children to a man, who has long been suspected of being a serial paedophile, aren't being investigated for potential reckless child endangerment?
I mean, would you let your kids share a bed with him? For any amount of money?

Yank Irony?!

2003-11-19T07:51:00.000Z
Seen on BBC News 24 last night - young Americans being polled on Britain's contribution to the "special relationship". One young lady sees Britain's support as legitimising the US's international policies such as the "war on terror".
Legitimise?
How can a lying bastard like St Tony of Bleugghh legitimise anything another lying bastard has proposed?

Aint lurv grand?

2003-11-17T03:23:00.000Z
On the BBC1 Breakfast with Frost programme President Bush also heaped praise on Tony Blair. He said: "I value his advice and I - every time I visit with him, whether it be on the phone or on video or in person ... he's got some interesting ideas about how to advance a positive agenda.

Sexed up sexy phone calls to Tony ... way to go Georgie Boy. I've seen the "Tony does the Electorate" video and it rocks. Every voter gets screwed! In person? Dunno, you have to draw the line somewhere.

"visit with him" ... bloody A'merkins at it again!

"I value his advice and I - "

Yes George, "and I - ", "and I - ", and I what? Where was that dangling proposition actually headed George?

I do not believe it! Sorry, of course I do.

2003-11-16T10:37:00.000Z
Home Secretary David Blunkett has refused to grant diplomatic immunity to armed American special agents and snipers travelling to Britain as part of President Bush's entourage this week.

In the case of the accidental shooting of a protester, the Americans in Bush's protection squad will face justice in a British court as would any other visitor, the Home Office has confirmed.

The issue of immunity is one of a series of extraordinary US demands turned down by Ministers and Downing Street during preparations for the Bush visit.

These included the closure of the Tube network, the use of US air force planes and helicopters and the shipping in of battlefield weaponry to use against rioters.

In return, the British authorities agreed numerous concessions, including the creation of a 'sterile zone' around the President with a series of road closures in central London and a security cordon keeping the public away from his cavalcade.

The White House initially demanded the closure of all Tube lines under parts of London to be visited during the trip. But British officials dismissed the idea that a suicide bomber could kill the President by blowing up a Tube train. Ministers are also believed to have dismissed suggestions that a 'sterile zone' around the President should be policed entirely by American special agents and military.

Demands for the US air force to patrol above London with fighter aircraft and Black Hawk helicopters have also been turned down.

The President's protection force will be armed - as Tony Blair's is when he travels abroad - and around 250 secret service agents will fly in with Bush, but operational control will remain with the Metropolitan Police.

The Americans had also wanted to travel with a piece of military hardware called a 'mini-gun', which usually forms part of the mobile armoury in the presidential cavalcade. It is fired from a tank and can kill dozens of people. One manufacturer's description reads: 'Due to the small calibre of the round, the mini-gun can be used practically anywhere. This is especially helpful during peacekeeping deployments.'

Ministers have made clear to Washington that the firepower of the mini-gun will not be available during the state visit to Britain. In return, the Government has agreed to close off much of Whitehall during the visit - the usual practice in Britain is to use police outriders to close roads as the cavalcade passes to cause minimal disruption to traffic.

A Home Office spokeswoman said: 'Negotiations between here and the US have been perfectly amicable. If there have been requests, they have not posed any problems.'

An internal memo sent to Cabinet Office staff and leaked to the press this weekend urged staff to work from home if at possible during the presidential visit. Serious disruption would be caused by 'the President Bush vehicle entourage requesting cleared secured vehicle routes around London and the security cordons creating a sterile zone around him'.

Meanwhile, negotiations are continuing between police and demonstrators about the route of the march. Representatives of the Stop the War Coalition will meet police at Scotland Yard tomorrow to discuss whether protesters will be able to march through Parliament Square and Whitehall. Spokesman Andrew Burgin said he hoped for 'a good old-fashioned British compromise'.

Sorry Britain. Australia has already had first go at brown-nosing Dubya. (And did it in spades.) We have first dibs on being the 51st state. However (if you don't mind a bit of gratuitous advice from an inmate of one of your former penal colonies) it seems that you limeys are not going about it in the right way to sew up the 52nd star on the flag. For one, you chaps need to ship that uncooperative commie bastard Blunkett off to Guantanamo Bay tout sweet.

"a 'sterile zone' around the President "?!? Oh, oh, oh! If I were one for cheap shots now would be the moment for me to pull out one of those lovely sounding 'mini-guns'.

Still Just Visiting...

2003-11-15T19:36:00.000Z

FIGHTBOX: BBC2 FRIDAY EVENINGS!

What an excellent premise for a family entertainment show...especially if you're the sort of person who wants to watch half an hour of somebody else playing a third rate version of Tekken, without any of the special moves that Tekken has...in fact without any real moves at all, to be honest, except for a pathetic punch...and without the smooth animation or the opportunity to have a bash yourself...er...not that you'd actually want to.
For everyone else (and that means 'everyone') here's a bit of advice, go down to your local video games shop and watch the introduction to some new fighting game over and over again. I guarantee it'll be more interesting and more impressive that Fightbox and it won't have those two gimboids reviewing every meaningless bout and talking shit in the middle of it.
To think that the BBC actually got rid of Robot Wars (which is now doing nicely over on Channel 5 incidentally...good old Channel 5!) and replaced it with this pointless crap. They really don't get it, do they? I mean if it wasn't bad enough that they should try to rip off Time Team with some fat, inbred monstrous baby of a man sporting a pathetic lisp and flying round Yorkshire in a helicopter talking out of his massive arse, they had to go and produce this drivel.
Like the politicians and nepotistic aristocrats that run the bastard thing, the BBC is out of touch, out of ideas, anachronistic and extremely expensive. Time to get rid of the license fee folks...I for one would be more than satisfied with the three channels that we'd still have left.

Still just visiting...

2003-11-12T18:44:00.000Z

More terrorist alerts have been issued for Britain with convenient expediancy as George Bush is about to arrive and, under British law, there's no other way of shutting off the streets of London to anti-war protesters.
"The coincidence between George's visit and the alerts is simply that...coincidence..." insisted Tony Blair to anyone who actually gave a shit this afternoon.
"In fact the whole thing's a bit like Miss Marple," commented Mr Pint on the issues raised in the Fisherman's Arms, Fleetwood, this evening. "Wherever she goes there's a murder and yet nobody ever pins the blame on her. Wherever George Bush goes there are terrorist alerts and reasons to ban outspoken anti-war polititians from government buildings where he might be visiting. Also like Miss Marple, Bush is a fictional character invented by a right-wing press who, in reality, would be senile, incontinent and full of shit about the comaradery of war."
Mr Pint has since been arrested under the new 'anti-terrorism' bill and was last seen being dragged into the Ministry of Correction at knife point.

One can feck orft! (A quick visit by the original Editor of this board.)

2003-11-10T18:14:00.000Z

Jug-eared inbred future King Charles Spaniel, Chuck Windsor (nee Saxe Coburgh Hitler) is warding off continued rumours that haven't been published by the press this week. (Really...I thought it was a criminal investigation rather than rumours?)

Charlie was allegedly caught bumming his closest butler over tea and scones, causing another palace servant to suffer nightmares and a nervous breakdown. (The thought of it's enough to make me vomit, I must be honest. Those massive ears flapping around as the butler teabags old Chuck round the gnashers.)
Because of the serious nature of the 'rumour' (you can almost hear Sir Cliff sighing with relief as the pressure is diverted...) the future of the monarchy is now in jeopardy...apparently.

So let me get this straight...so to speak. The fact that Charles represents everything that's fascist, totalitarian, greedy, inbred, nepotistic, elitist, classist and corrupt in Britain today doesn't warrent a mention and doesn't threaten the future of the Royal tax-scrounging bastards in any manner...but performing what is supposedly a perfectly legal act does?
For fuck's sake people...the man's been sleeping with Camilla for years...surely we all knew there was something wrong with him sexually somewhere. Don't bring down the monarchy because you're frightened about gay people for Christ's sake...bring 'em down because they're a bunch of cunts...otherwise some other body of aristocratic, right-wing persuasion will just usurp the power vaccuum and nothing will ever change!
Other news and Prince Edward was shocked at the sudden arrival of his baby daughter. Not as much as the rest of us were, I bet. We all thought the original 'butler bumming' rumours were about him.

The only good asylum seeker is the one (or 14) in someone else's backyard.

2003-11-07T19:34:00.000Z
THE Federal Government has rushed to excise about 4000 islands off the coast of Australia from the nation's migration zone after the arrival of about 14 boat people near Darwin yesterday.

The move, approved by an urgent executive council meeting yesterday afternoon, is sure to reignite the controversy over Australia's attitude to boat people.

The excision will apply retrospectively and is understood to have taken effect from midnight Monday. It means those on board a small Indonesian fishing vessel that arrived at Melville Island off the Northern Territory coast will be prevented from accessing Australia's legal system.
An Australian navy ship is towing an asylum seeker boat out to sea, away from Australia.

The boat is being towed away from Melville Island, north of Darwin.

The Immigration Department says the boat is carrying 14 people, who claim to be Kurds from Turkey.

Defence Minister Robert Hill says the asylum seeker boat has been fixed and this afternoon is being towed further out to sea by HMAS Geelong.

"It was disabled," he said.

"It has been repaired. It's been, as I understand it, adequately repaired to be able to move itself but not fully repaired.

"And so if it needs to go anywhere under its own propulsion, it can do so."
"The Northern Territory Supreme Court in Darwin has been told that 14 suspected asylum seekers were wrongly removed from Australia and are being detained unlawfully on the high seas.

The Commonwealth has argued that the men are free to go wherever they want in the world except Australia, and their removal from Australian waters was legally valid."
Can't say fairer duck-shoving than that. The rest of the world is these ingrate's oyster. Move on ... and bloody quick smart to boot!

Who, why, what, if, when ... NEVER HAPPENED!!

2003-11-07T10:03:00.000Z
From Al Jazeera.net
Prince Charles denies 'incident' charge
No one is exactly sure what happened, but Britain's Prince Charles says he didn't do it.

What may possibly be the most bizarre story to come out of the scandal-plagued British royal family, the heir to the throne denied on Thursday being involved in an "incident" that has been hinted at - but never revealed - in the country's scandal-mad press.

Royal biographer Una Mary Parker said the decision by the royal family to come forward and deny the mystery allegation was a change of tack for the embattled palace.

"They have been accused of being like ostriches and putting their heads in the sand," she said.

The current not so sotto voce accusation appears to be about a royal being less like an ostrich and more like a rutting stag and putting a body part (allegedly not a head, but who knows?) in strange places.
"But I think if you're going to make a statement you've got to go all the way and make a full statement. Because people are not even sure what the allegations are. It's confusing to the general public."
The problem seems to be more about a royal going all the way and not making any sort of statement, full or not.
Charles' private secretary, Michael Peat, said he hoped the allegation would be treated on its merits and dismissed out of hand. "There is a lot of gossip about it. There is a lot of innuendo, there is a lot of speculation and I thought it might be helpful if I made it entirely clear that it is untrue."
After 300 hours piecing together a tea chest full of shredded documents found around the back of Clarence House The Rant of the Week provides the following evidence which substantiates Mick's denials. (If these denials were actually made. The Rant of the Week awaits confirmation of the existence of the denials and indeed the existence of the alleged Mr Michael Peat.)

A person who looked like the Prince of Wales, but who definitely was not the Prince of Wales was seen by a butler playing naked leap frog with the Master of the Royal Hunt. This is an unsubstantiated, speculative rumour which is probably untrue, especially if it didn't happen. On the off chance that there is some substance to this baseless innuendo a court order has been obtained to supress publication of this utter balderdash.

A person who was allegedly the Prince of Wales but who probably wasn't the Prince of Wales was seen deflowering a bunch of pansies behind the potting shed at Windsor Castle. There is a particular sadness about this allegation because it was made by a former Royal Household floral arrangement which, unfortunately, has suffered from post-pruning stress disorder and has previously suffered from premature wilting following active service in the Chelsea Flower Show.

Dickie Arbiter, (True! The Rant of the Week even at it's lowest point could not make that name up.) the Queen's former press secretary, has told the Rant of the Week that these ludicrous claims could not be true.

"Nobody could have seen any of these alleged sordid events. I have never known any of the Royals to undertake rumpy pumpy activities with the lights on. I distinctly recall his Royal Enormously Large Lugholes saying this to me one evening after we'd finished buggering the Royal ferrets. "
"Judge of Plonkers, old chap, one of the royal customs that sustains me in my "I'm a little tampon short and stout" relationships with Cammie is the old black, bible black bedroom. Bugger me if I've actually seen her face and her juicy bits in the same room at the same time."

"I don't know whether he had or not, but I did it anyway. Not that it actually happened of course. None of the above is verifiable, and if it is there's an injunction on the way to Lord Pippi Longstockings as we speak. Not that I have uttered a single word about these things that never happened. My lips are a sealed section."

DISCLAIMER: The Rant of the Week does not possess any polaroids of any of these non existent incidents which can be purchased for the giveaway price of 150 guineas each. Not at all, definitely not. (Unmarked, used notes preferred.)

Interesting reading ...

2003-11-03T20:17:00.000Z
I've been away for awhile, pretty much like everyone else around here. I got a call from my local Barnes & Noble bookstore last week informing me that they had some massive book in stock called "The Greyminster Chronicles". Remembering that I'd ordered it in a drunken haze, I went and got it. With my current schedule I should actually get around to reading it within the next decade.

"If you lie down with Nazis, you get up with fleas."

2003-11-01T20:46:00.000Z
Just alerting the ROTW reader to a little known (even in Oz) Australian senator. Both Enoch Powell and Joe McCarthy would mighty proud to call this lad a son. HERE and HERE.

Tone's moral high horse destined for the knackery.

2003-10-29T04:22:00.000Z
"There are over 6,000 political and religious prisoners in Uzbekistan. Every year, some of them are tortured to death. Sometimes the policemen or intelligence agents simply break their fingers, their ribs and then their skulls with hammers, or stab them with screwdrivers, or rip off bits of skin and flesh with pliers, or drive needles under their fingernails, or leave them standing for a fortnight, up to their knees in freezing water. Sometimes they are a little more inventive. The body of one prisoner was delivered to his relatives last year, with a curious red tidemark around the middle of his torso. He had been boiled to death."

"So what of Tony Blair, the man who claims that human rights are so important that they justify going to war? Well, at the beginning of this year, he granted Uzbekistan an open licence to import whatever weapons from the United Kingdom Mr Karimov fancies. But his support goes far beyond that. The British ambassador to Uzbekistan, Craig Murray, has repeatedly criticised Karimov's crushing of democracy movements and his use of torture to silence his opponents. Like Roger Casement, the foreign office envoy who exposed the atrocities in the Congo a century ago, Murray has been sending home dossiers which could scarcely fail to move anyone who cares about human rights."

Blair has been moved all right: moved to do everything he could to silence our ambassador. Mr Murray has been threatened with the sack, investigated for a series of plainly trumped-up charges and persecuted so relentlessly by his superiors that he had to spend some time, like many of Karimov's critics, in a psychiatric ward, though in this case for sound clinical reasons. This pressure, according to a senior government source, was partly "exercised on the orders of No 10".

MORE ... Tony Blair's new friend: "Britain and the US claim a moral mandate - and back a dictator who boils victims to death "
The ghosts of Ari Fleischer and Alistair Campbell come back to ~~haunt~~ inform Tricky Dicky Haliburton.

This On The Queries Log

2003-10-28T15:28:00.000Z
beautification of mother theresa
Mother Theresa beautification

Sorry Peeps. There ain't enough anti-wrinkle cream in the world that could have helped her!!

May you die in interesting times

2003-10-25T13:11:00.000Z
TAIPEI, Taiwan (AP) -- Madame Chiang Kai-shek, the widow of the Nationalist Chinese president who used her charm and fluent English to lobby Washington and become a driving force in Taiwan's Nationalist government, died Thursday in New York. She was 106.

Hot on the heels of the bat out of hell beautification of Mother Theresa, Pope JP11 is fast-tracking the beatification of Madame Two Serves of Number 53 and 1 Serve of Number 57 Kai-shreck in his race to enter to the Guiness Book of Records as the most sanctifying pontiff in history. Recently there have been mutterings from Vatican observers about the illicit use of beatification enhancing substances by JP11. Eyebrows were raised when his Pontification announced #3,204,524, St. Eroids. (O.K. I know I'll go to hell for that one. Fair cop! I offer no defence.)

And in other news. William and Harry : "Our mother would be mortified of she were still alive." ... errrr?

Just visiting...

2003-10-22T17:13:00.000Z

In a shock revelation from his new book, "I Was Diana's Rock!" Paul "My-Flower-Shop-Has-Gone-Bust" Burrell has admitted that the late and now slightly mouldy Princess Diana (God rest her saintly mangled limbs) knew that she was going to die in advance.
Writes busty Burrell (22), "She gave this letter to me on her usual fish-oil laced notepaper, explaining all about how that bigoted old Greek shit, the Duke of Edinburgh, didn't like her simpering daigo boyfriend and how he was going to tamper with the brakes on her limo. That's why she went to Paris and got drunk and then drove through the underpass at 120 miles an hour...just to make sure they were working."
In recent years Paul "I'll-Never-Reveal-The-Princesses-Secrets" Burrell has fallen on hard times following the fall-off of interest in his former sex-mistress by American television audiences. Next week he's planning to climb inside a perspex box suspended from a crane above the River Mersey wearing nothing but a pair of Prince Charles' knickers for Children-in-Need.
"The Queen Mum, God rest 'er teeth, knew she was going to snuff it as well," Burrell continued as he entered the doors of the Halifax with his sack full of coffers. "She'd been saying for centuries that it was only a matter of time."
Unfortunately the rest of the world could no longer give a shit. In an interview given to the ROTW last week, Mohammed Al Fayed remarked, "Just so long as both of the greedy old bitches are dead then I'm happy."

Other news and ROTW ex-editor Brian "He's a God in his own right" Hughes is rumoured to be making a brief return visit to his old Blogger Board haunt before heading off for a shin dig with Dr David Kelly at The Fisherman's Arms. The rumours are, unfortunately, substantiated.

Onward Christian soldiers

2003-10-18T03:55:00.000Z
'Holy war' general denies being anti-Islamic

A senior Pentagon intelligence official, under fire for his comments about Islam, has defended his statements and apologised to anyone offended by his statements.

"I am neither a zealot nor an extremist," US Army Lieutenant General William Boykin, deputy undersecretary of defence for intelligence and war-fighting support, said in his first official statement.

"I am not anti-Islam or any other religion."

General Boykin tried to explain recent comments he made at churches and prayer breakfasts portraying the US battle with Islamic radicals as a clash with Satan.

In one case he referred to a Muslim fighter in Somalia and said that "my God was bigger than his. I knew that my God was a real God, and his was an idol."

Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld on Thursday declined to criticise Boykin's remarks and praised the three-star general's military record, while General Richard Myers, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said he did not think General Boykin had broken any rules.

US television network NBC this week broadcast videotapes of the general, an evangelical Christian, giving speeches while wearing his Army uniform at Christian functions around the country.

"I would not expect him to engage in those sorts of speaking engagements in the future," a defence official said.

Last year General Boykin said: 'We in the army of God, in the house of God, kingdom of God, have been raised for such a time as this.' He has also said of President George Bush: 'He's in the White House because God put him there.'"

"And you never ask questions
When God's on your side."

Clear as a glocke.

2003-10-17T22:16:00.000Z
"I don't know. Isn't that clear? You don't understand English?"

DONALD RUMSFELD, defense secretary, telling a German reporter he was unaware of a new White House Iraq policy group

Now to get back onto matters of great moment. Mmmm, ANZAC Biscuits.

2003-10-15T00:37:00.000Z

ANZAC Biscuits

There are a few theories on the origins of ANZAC biscuits (or ANZAC Cookies for Americans) but it is certain that they came about during the First World War, around 1914/15.

Some say that they started as biscuits made by the Troops in the trenches with provisions they had at hand to relieve the boredom of their battle rations. And some say they came about due to resourceful of the women on the "home front" in an endeavour to make a treat for their loved ones that would survive the long journey by post to the war front.

There is even the suggestion that they originated from Scottish Oatmeal Cakes which is entirely possible. Whatever the origin, they have won the hearts of all Aussies the globe over as the pseudo National Biscuit.

I know I'll be knocking up a batch of these to present to George W., Australia's pseudo National Fruitcake when he visits in a few weeks time. I know he swallows anything freshly cooked up. Yellow cake from Niger, even over-egged souffles from MI5.

Ingredients

1 cup plain flour
1 cup rolled oats (regular oatmeal) uncooked
1 cup desiccated coconut
1 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup butter
2 tbsp golden syrup (or honey)
1 tsp bicarbonate of soda
2 tbsp boiling water
Method

Combine the flour (sifted), oats, coconut and sugar in a bowl.
Melt the butter and Golden Syrup (or honey) in a saucepan over a low heat..

Mix the bicarbonate of soda with the water and add to the butter and Golden Syrup.

Pour the liquids into the dry ingredients and mix well.

Spoon dollops of mixture, about the size of a walnut shell, onto a greased tin leaving as much space again between dollops to allow for spreading.

Bake in a moderate oven, 180C / 350F, for 15-20 minutes.

Cool on a wire rack and seal in airtight containers.

Tips

The American tablespoon is a little smaller than the British tablespoon, so be generous with your Golden Syrup (or Honey) and Water.

If you have any thoughts of keeping the biscuits for any length of time I suggest you keep them in a padlocked container!

For a little variety you may wish to add 2 teaspoons of ginger spice or even Wattle Seeds, a recent addition but don't ask me where to get them.

Mmmm, ANZAC Biscuits.

Enjoy!

Goebbelisation and Goebbeldegook

2003-10-14T21:30:00.000Z
"Identical letters claiming to be from different U.S. soldiers describing successes in Iraq were sent to newspapers around the country and soldiers whose names appeared on those letters admit they did not write them and some say they were ordered by their superiors to sign their names.

(Ye olde Nuremburg defence. That and the "I don't want to end up in Camp X-ray" defence.)

Identical letters from different soldiers with the 2nd Battalion of the 503rd Airborne Infantry Regiment have appeared in 11 newspapers so far and have been sent to many more, a check with newspaper editors around the country reveals.

In Olympia, Washington, The Olympian newspaper received two identical letters signed by different hometown soldiers: Spc. Joshua Ackler and Sgt. Alex Marois. The paper decided not to run either after discovering they were form letters.

(Flashback to a day or two ago ... "President Bush accused the media of filtering out the good news stories from Iraq.")

The five-paragraph letter tells glowing stories about soldiers' efforts to re-establish police and fire departments, and build water and sewer plants in the northern Iraqi city of Kirkuk, where the unit is based.

It describes people waving at passing troops and children running up to shake their hands and say thank you.

No sign at all, at all of unglowing reports where people are not shaking hands and saying thank you ... "The latest fatality brings to 97 the number of US soldiers killed in attacks in Iraq since President George W Bush declared major combat operations over on May 1."

"The quality of life and security for the citizens has been largely restored, and we are a large part of why that has happened," the letter reads.

Six soldiers reached by Gannett News Service directly or through their families admitted they did not write the letters. One said he didn't even sign the letter that bore his name.

(Excuse me if I am a tad sceptical about any signed confessions that might emanate from Guantanamo Bay.)

Marois, 23, told his family he signed the letter, but Moya Marois, his stepmother. said he was puzzled why it was sent to the newspaper in Olympia. He attended high school in Olympia but no longer considers the city home, she said. Moya Marois and Alex's father, Les, now live near Kooskia, Idaho.

A seventh soldier didn't know about the letter until his father congratulated him for getting it published in the local newspaper in Beckley, W.Va."

Can't say that Joe Goebbels has made an auspicious start to his new job in the Administration. This would be funny if it wasn't so pathetic. Come back Ari Fleischer, all is forgiven.

The parallels with the Tricky Dicky Nixon era keep on rolling out.

IDS vs Superegos

2003-10-13T11:26:00.000Z
Tony Blair said the lack of a credible alternative to Labour has handed his Government a "huge opportunity".

Mr Blair shrugged off Iain Duncan Smith's outspoken attack on him in the Tory leader's conference speech last week. Mr Duncan Smith accused the Prime Minister of being corrupt and a liar.

Mr Blair told The Times: "I'm not interested in rising to this at all. I am absolutely sure the public would prefer politicians to play the ball rather than the man."

I'm fairly sure that the late David Kelly's family might be a little surprised at Tony's new found ethical approach to blood sports.

If parsonical Tony is right about the public's preference I would think he's but a stone's throw away from his post P.M. career on the U.S. lecture circuit.

The Pole vaults to favouritism.(Sorry about that, but Agatha made me say it and then ran away.)

2003-10-09T11:32:00.000Z
"Pope John Paul is runaway favourite to win the Nobel Peace Prize tomorrow, ahead of former Czech President Vaclav Havel, according to an Australian bookmaker.

The winner of the $US1.32 million prize, perhaps the world's top accolade, will be announced in Oslo tomorrow from a record field of 165 candidates.

"We've had a lot of interest in the pope," said Centrebet's Gerard Daffy.

"We're offering (US President) George W Bush and (British Prime Minister) Tony Blair at 200/1 but haven't had a single bet."

Centrebet today has the pope at 5-2 on - you bet $1 and get back $1.40 if he wins.

Mr Havel, who helped bring down the Iron Curtain in a "Velvet Revolution", trails him at 7/1 with Irish rock star Bono and Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva tied on 10/1"

If the Pope does not win the Nobel Prize but performs well he will most likely be headed Downunder for another crack at the Melbourne Cup in November. The Pontiff is currently quoted at the juicy odds of 15/1.

"I realise it's all in the lap of the gods, well the one true God actually, but if the old bloke acquits himself well in the Cup we might think about popping him over the sticks at Aintree for his swan song", his Australian trainer Cardinal George Pell said last night.

Labor backbencher threatens to snub US President

2003-10-08T09:39:00.000Z
"Federal Opposition leader Simon Crean has moved to stop at least one Labor backbencher from snubbing George W Bush during his speech to a joint sitting of parliament later this month.

But Tasmanian MP Harry Quick says he may still turn his back while the US leader delivers his address.

Earlier, Mr Quick said about 16 politicians from the ALP and other parties were planning a protest against the US President.

"During his speech, a group of us will stand with our white arm bands on and we will publicly turn our backs on the President of the United States of America," he said.

Mr Crean says he has since told Mr Quick such behaviour would be highly disrespectful."

Harry was one of the ALP's most vocal opponents of the deceitful Iraq crusade. Now's the time to tuck your conscience in your old kitbag Harry. That's what ~~party discipline~~ democracy is all about Harry. I think the phrase that has been become popular by the back-fillers of recent history is what Harry needs to keep in mind ... "move on".

While Simon (AKA "Mr. 17%") might view Harry's threat as disrespectful, Simon's move can be viewed as yet another classic "don't frighten the horses" driven response. Weak as piss!

People might be amused to know that this joint sitting is being organised during the Pollies school hols. A bucket full of our taxes is being put to good use to recall Parliament so as to allow Little Johnny to give his brown nose a spot of exercise around the nether regions of Australia's de facto Commander of Chief.

But when President Schwatzerzenegergerer is invited to address the Parliament of the 51st state of mind ... that will be an entirely different matter. I'll be up there in the front stalls waving Old Glory with unrestrained enthusiasm. Of course by that time I will be dirty dancing with Ms. Altzheimers.

Does my bum look big in Row D?

2003-10-06T11:21:00.000Z
"Australia's expanding bottom line has sparked a trend for larger seats in some of the nation's newest sporting and cultural venues.

Melbourne Cricket Ground's new northern stand is reportedly one venue that has increased individual seat sizes by around 30 per cent, partly as a measure to cater for patrons' larger bottoms."

An offer pass up I just couldn't not avail myself to.

2003-10-03T22:01:00.000Z
Dear Friend,

I know this mail may come to you as a surprise, I got your email address through the web while in search of who will carefully handle this urgent and hitchfree deal.

I am Ahmed Dangote am attorney at law. I practice with Unity Chambers and Co. 32A, Omole Close, Ikeja. Lagos. I have one of my clients who banked with Royal Trust (& Securities) Bank Limited (RTSBL) He is a foreigner base in Nigeria, unfotunately he is late. He died on a fatal plane crash 2 years ago. I am contacting you based on trust and confidentiality that will be attached to this deal. The Management and the Legal department of BANK (RTSBL) had a recent meeting recommended that the account of this my client will be declared dormant and confisticated, and to deposit the fund to the Bank Treasury according to Nigerian Banking and Financial law.

This said account of the decease Engr. Vincent Pillai hold the sum of Twenty Five million, Four hundred thousand united state dollars ($25.400,000.00). In fact it happened that since his death, nobody has come up to office to make claim of his belonging as a next of kin or to say he know anything about the him.

To cut the matter short, I could not contact any of the his relations because his home address could not trace. Basically, what I am request of you at this junction is for you to come in as the relation of the said deceased, I will give you the contact of the Bank, you will have to write to them, tell them that you are a relation to the deceased and that you have found out that Engr. Vincent Pillai has account with RTSBL which you want to lay claim through their legal authority. They are going to honour your request you. However, I will be the one to provide you the vital documents for you to lay claims of the money and also to enhance you a rightfull person to the decease.

Please include your telephone number when replying this mail and I will give you more information as soon as you indicate your willingness to assist in this transaction. After successful conclussion of this transaction we shall share the money 40/60%.
Probably, you can reply me through my private box: ahmed.dan1@eudoramail.com

Yours truly,

Ahmed Dangote

Thank you ballboys, thank you linesmen, thank you Ahmed. The cheque is in the email.

And in late breaking news (link courtesy of the very courteous Mr Yorkshiresoul) a fine investment for any spare cash you have left after Mr. Dangote has ratted your piggy bank can be found HERE.

ACME products. More than you ever wanted to know or buy.

Spot the difference.

2003-10-03T20:42:00.000Z
"I have only one thing to say: You turn if you want to. The lady's not for turning!" - Margaret Thatcher at the party conference 1980

"Forward or back. I can only go one way. I've not got a reverse gear." - Tony Blatcher at the party conference 2003

We learn from history that we don't learn from history #237.

2003-10-03T09:48:00.000Z

Found this 1972 cartoon in a book I borrowed from the local library.

Eerily prescient.

Alistair has gone, but the stench of spin still lingers

2003-10-03T04:05:00.000Z

Weapons report justifies war
"UK British Foreign Secretary Jack Straw says a first progress report to the US Congress on the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq justifies the US-led military invasion to oust former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein.

After the publication of his report, US inspector David Kay said in Washington that no weapons of mass destruction have been found in Iraq yet, but there is "substantial evidence" that Iraq planned to make chemical and biological arms.

Mr Kay is a US weapons expert who heads the 1,200-strong Iraq Survey Group (ISG) sent to the country after the war that brought down Saddam.

"Kay's report confirms how dangerous and deceitful the regime was, and how the military action was indeed both justified and essential to remove the dangers," Mr Straw said in a statement in London."

Errrrr ... Jack the lad, which "dangerous and deceitful" regimes are we talking about here. Perhaps the ones that mentioned that the sky was due to fall in within 45 minutes? 45 minutes presumably being the time frame in which that Saddam chap could unpack and turn all that nukular material from Niger into chemical arms headed towards Washington, London and Canberra.

Hasn't this 1,200-strong Iraq Survey Group reached the same conclusion the Ambassador for Cuckoo Clocks was already flagging before he was "untimely ripped" from Iraq? Guess it's all in the timing. George, Tony and John needed to get their war on first.

Serious "pants on fire" territory here methinks.

NUDE MESSENGER

2003-09-27T13:36:00.000Z
NUDEMESSENGER (Flash required ... no pun intended.)

2003-09-26T21:16:00.000Z

Hi, I was away some weeks and I see the Rants has become a bizarre mix of restaurants and some herobuilders. (No problem, I like this, especially the french fries ones.)

Money makes the world go around, the world go around, the world go around.

2003-09-24T10:40:00.000Z

Both delicious and healthy

2003-09-22T21:06:00.000Z

FRIED-EGG SUNDAE

INGREDIENTS:
Ice cream
Marshmallow fluff
Lemon pudding/pie filling (an instant mix works fine)

Scoop ice cream into a dish, then spoon on a generous blob of marshmallow fluff (it will smooth out and resemble an egg white as the air escapes).

For a yolk, add a rounded blob of lemon pudding. Makes one sundae.

Simply Delightful

2003-09-22T17:54:00.000Z
Hummus-Couscous Loaf

Serves 4

15 minutes preparation time, 1 hour baking time

* 1 cup couscous
* 2 1/2 cups water

* 1/4 cup water
* about 1 teaspoon olive oil
* 1 small eggplant, cut into french-fry sized strips
* 2 carrots, chopped into very small pieces(minced)
* 2 cloves garlic, minced
* 1/4 teaspoon salt
* freshly ground black pepper, to taste

* 1 1/2 cups cooked chickpeas
* 1 tablespoon sesame tahini paste
* Freshly squeezed lemon juice from 1/2 a lemon
* 1 1/2 cups vegetable broth, or 1 1/2 cups water mixed with 1 tablespoon vegetable broth seasoning
* 2 tablespoons egg replacer or potato starch
* 2 tablespoons wheat flour

* paprika, freshly ground black pepper

Preheat oven to 350° Fahrenheit.

In a saucepan, add the couscous and water. Bring to a boil, then reduce the heat and cover. Cook until all the water is gone, about 10 minutes. Then turn off the heat.

While the couscous is cooking, saute the vegetables. On a large saucepan, spray the olive oil on the pan or brush with a pastry brush. Add the water and heat over moderate heat until the water starts to simmer. Add the eggplant strips, carrots, garlic, salt and pepper. Saute until soft, adding a little more water if too dry. Then turn off the heat.

In a mixing bowl or blender, mix the chickpeas, tahini paste, lemon juice, and vegetable broth. Using a hand blender or blender, blend into a smooth paste. Then add the egg replacer or potato starch, and the flour. Blend until smooth.

With the heat turned off on the large saucepan, add the chickpea (hummus) mixture to the vegetables and coat well. Then add the couscous and mix the vegetable/hummus mixture into the couscous.

Lightly grease a glass bread loaf pan with olive oil. Add the couscous/vegetable/hummus mixture. Press into the loaf pan. Dust the top of the loaf with paprika and black pepper.

Bake 50-55 minutes. Let stand 10-15 minutes before serving. Serve in thick slices with a green vegetable such as cooked spinach, a salad such as lettuce topped with fresh orange slices, and if desired, a bread such as warm whole-wheat pita bread.

Hmm, hmm, good!

"GOTCHA!"

2003-09-14T10:53:00.000Z

Continuing the new ROTW culinary theme, I note that a new book has just been released.

"How I cooked the books, over-egged the pudding and learned to love Bombe ~~Alaska~~ Iraq", by Tony "Two Hats" Blair.

Here's something he hastily prepared earlier.

The large black border is entirely appropriate.
Expect to see more Ministers in the frame.

This is a rib of beef that I prepared earlier, serve your puddings with this.

2003-09-10T12:20:00.000Z
An American writes........"What is Yorkshire Pudding, is it really pudding?" Over to ROTW's Guest Recipist Extraordinaire Mike of "Yorkshire Soul".

THIS WEEKS YUMMY RECIPE

2003-09-08T14:55:00.000Z
Potato Salad Sandwich

Makes 1 serving.

Prep Time: 5 Minutes
Ready in: 5 Minutes

Ingredients:
1 hamburger bun
1-1/2 tablespoons mayonnaise
2 leaves of lettuce
2 slices tomato
1/3 cup prepared potato salad

Directions:
1 Open bun and spread each side with mayonnaise. Place lettuce leaves and tomato slices on bottom half of bun. Scoop potato salad onto tomato, and gently spread toward edges of bun. Cover with top of bun.

ENJOY!

"RANT OF THE WEEK" (ROTW) IS NOW "RECIPE OF THE WEEK" (ROTW)

2003-08-30T13:50:00.000Z
I have waited in the shadows for many months - hoping and praying that the owner of this blog would eventually drown in his own drivel. The day has finally come. Rejoice!

I have commandeered this blog. From this day forward the ROTW (Recipe of the Week) will be home to some of my favorite recipes.

Check back often for the latest culinary offering.

TODAY'S RECIPE:

Brussels Sprouts Provencal

This vegetable dish, delicately flavored with garlic and basil in a colorful tomato sauce, makes a basis for a vegetarian lunch.

Preparation: 15 minutes
Cooking: 15 - 20 minutes
Calories per serving: 135

For 4 Servings
450g (1 lb) Brussels sprouts
1 onion, chopped
1 garlic clove, crushed
1 tbsp oil
450g (1 lb) tomatoes, diced or 397g (14 oz) can tomatoes
1 tsp dried basil
salt and pepper, to taste
50g (2 oz) Emmental cheese, grated (optional)

Preparation
Prepare sprouts and put on one side.
Saute onion and garlic in the oil for about 5 minutes until tender. Stir in tomatoes, basil and salt and pepper. Simmer for 8 - 10 minutes, stirring from time to time.
Meanwhile, cook sprouts in boiling salted water for 6 - 8 minutes, until tender. Drain well.
Add sprouts to tomato sauce and stir gently to mix. Heat for 2 - 3 minutes. Transfer to warmed serving dish, sprinkle with cheese, if using, and serve.

Good served with:
Scalloped potatoes and gammon, pork or plainly roasted lamb or chicken.
For fast results:
You can use 450g (1 lb) frozen Brussels sprouts to cut down on preparation time. Cook according to packet directions.

2003-08-24T09:52:00.000Z
What sound does one hand clapping make? Watch the rich people at the proms who are far too important to be bothered using both hands and you'll find out.
With which parting words I call this session of 'The Rant of the Week' to an official close. I have mountains to climb in search of Neolithic circles. I have sea beds to plunder in the hopes of discovering missing Roman ports. I have Anglo Saxon carvings to preserve and the dark vaults of museums where normal people never tread, to...er...tread...in...
In other words, it's been fun (not for me, of course, but I'm sure it was good for the rest of you) but, for now, there are other fish to fry. So I'm resigning my position as ROTW Editor as well as putting Scrag Ends on the back boiler where they can simmer into an illegible stew like most American cartoons.
There...I've done it. I feel a great weight lifted from my shoulders. On reflection I should never have bought a scarf knitted from granite.
I shall leave you now with these words:

"I go into Lancashire tomorrow, that part of the country lying beyond the mountains towards the western ocean. I go with a kind of dread and trust in divine providence."
William Camden (1551 - 1623)

TTFN - B. Hughes (Ex-Editor)

You know it makes sense ...

2003-08-20T01:58:00.000Z

Tolerance
Dep. Ed. is computer challenged at the moment. Browser hijacking, sundry mega glitches, ruptured gall bladder on the 'C' drive, etc. So in this brief appearance online I leave you with the dulcet thoughts of Ranter Extraordinaire "Slamming Sam".

"When we were very young our mothers use to teach us about taking turns. You all remember; if someone was playing with a toy tank that you wanted, all you had to do was to wait until you were ready to have your turn and then beat the snot out of whoever had it and off you go.

Peter Costello wants to have a turn at being Prime Minister but so far has got it all wrong and is waiting in the corner until John Howard gets bored with shooting fish in a barrel and retires.

Some use waiting time to do useful things, like writing hundreds of complaining about the building of a mosque on vacant land in outer suburbia but Peter has gone very weird. He is now making speeches espousing all manner of nonsense.

Recently he was advising us all to get to know our neighbours. Neighbours are for abusing as you back the jeep over their hydrangeas and I know far more than I need to know about the human excrement than live next to me.

He says it would increase trust and tolerance, which is exactly what we’re afraid of. I’m deadly serious, this is actually what he said: “A tolerant society will allow dissenting views, it will allow ethnic minorities to live in peace and security.”

I realise he is trying to carve out a niche for himself, to create some points of difference between him and bullet-proof John but doesn’t he understand what the last 8 years have been about?

We have battled long and hard to increase suspicion and distrust, to foster hatred of difference and resentment of other viewpoints and we are now the envy of bigots around the world.

Soon countries everywhere will be supporting foreign nations imprisoning their citizens without charge, and spending millions of dollars challenging court decisions that oppose the mandatory detention of children in desert prisons.

To be frank, I’ve never trusted Costello, what with his soft-cock sentiments, supercilious smile and that bleeding-heart Mother Teresa wanna-be that he calls bro. When, and if, John Howards retires there is only one man for the job. Phillip Ruddock. Sure he might be slightly mad but at least we know there won’t be any of this tolerance nonsense."

Yet another crappy Micra advert.

2003-08-19T17:06:00.000Z

How would you describe a car that's both sturdy and nimble?
That's right...Stimble. Now you too can speak Micra.

Editor's note: Or alternatively you could say 'Nurdy'. I can't believe the Micra advertising team are handing these things to me on a plate. What's next? How do you describe a car company whose adverts are both mindless and crap? That's right...you've got the hang of it now.

2003-08-18T17:08:00.000Z

Chiz chiz its the sumer hols and wer al of to sunny spane to get az drunk az skunks an kik a few daygo waiters in the teeth hurra! old hedmaster woolsack he closed the big durs on parliaiarariament an gave the big rusted old kee to mr blak rod (parliaiamentlery caretaker) and he say her mr black rod maik sur non of the boys sneek back in now that the hols ar her we dont want any shenanigans of the sort we had last sumer wen fore bakbenchers broak into the westminster bicikel sheds an slashed mr livingstones tires!
so deputy hed boy prescott he say to himself, ahha thers loads of grub an crisps an sozzages in the parliariamentury refektory and im big an fat (hem hem) an want to eat them so prescott throws his cap on the roof and pretends he haz too clime up after it an rescue it sos he can brake in thru the parliararaimnetory skylite an get his chips (fat hem hem!)
But halfway up the dranepip starts to sagg an prescott he shout oh shit am goin to die and down he hurtlez to the growd with a big splat. well what a toodoo!!!!!! hedboy tony he come up and say john, yoove been after the secret stash ov pies agen havnt yoo yoo big swetty lardarse an prescott he say sorry sir but i was hungry. so peter mandlebrot, hed sneek, he say yoo need to invent a storee abowt having an illygitimait sun or sum such to throw the meeja ov the track.
Whoo! all this an we havnt even started ar hols proper yet! well, so long yoo chaps see yoo all next turm wen ill be all sunburnt an full ov lager an pasta saurz. ttfn...NIGeL!!!!!!!!!!

2003-08-17T09:03:00.000Z
70's pop idol, right wing guru, olympic swimming champion and all round good egg, Idi Amin, has died of kidney failure in a Saudi Arabian hospital after eating one of the nurses. Messages of condolence have been pouring in from leaders around the world who were quite happy to let the mass murdering dictator evade the courts for so many years. Etc. You know the score...it's Sunday morning and I've got a hangover, so I'm buggered if I can think of any intelligent, or even stupid, comments to make on this. So here's this week's Scrag End instead to add a touch of class to an otherwise incomprehensible post:

Dep. Ed. notes a story that runs rings around sheepy methane.

(Let's not hear any more about Rupert not running stories of great profundity!)

More dodgy ads.

2003-08-17T05:40:00.000Z
Waddafark was THIS advert doing in the banner above this fine Blog? I had assumed there was a young lad or lassie sitting at a desk reading all the Blogs and then hand-picking ads to suit the content ... apparently not.

Whereas, the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Tony Blair, has vigorously supported the United States in the disarmament of Iraq;

Whereas, the United Kingdom is a strong and loyal ally to the United States;

Whereas, Prime Minister Tony Blair has committed substantial military forces of the United Kingdom to the current action in Iraq;

The American people extend their heartfelt thanks to Prime Minister Tony Blair for his courage and leadership; and

Extend their deep appreciation to the United Kingdom and the men and women of its armed forces.

I think our thoughts should be transmitted to the lad.

"Messages will be printed on paper and shipped weekly to the Prime Minister's office at 10 Downing Street in London."

I created this website because it seemed to me important that Americans said thank you to Prime Minister Tony Blair and the British people.

When the call came to stand and be counted, the United Kingdom came to our side.

Names and addresses provided to this website shall not be used for any purpose other than those stated.

Jon Sanford
P.O. Box 663
West Falmouth, MA 02574
USA

The other ad on the banner links to a religious site which proclaims ... "One child at a time, one child at a time is our mission." and "Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me."

I wonder if they appreciate the irony of these missionary statements given the treatment of many children by officials of various religions.

Another annoying car advert!

2003-08-16T16:06:00.000Z

The New Micra!

How can you describe how compact and yet how spacious it is at the same time?

Try saying "Compacious." Come on, say it with me..."Compacious."

Editor's note: Or alternatively you could try saying "Spacked" because, somehow, that seems to sum it up it much better.

2003-08-15T17:05:00.000Z
Important Things We Can learn From Television Adverts!

1) A product is completely crap unless we're told otherwise by somebody with an American accent.
2) Forget clitoral stimulation! The easiest way to bring a woman to orgasm is to cover her head with Herbal Essences Shampoo.
3) Apparently Beans Means Heinz...not gut rot and flatulence.
4) Drinking loads of alcohol means that by the age of thirty-five you'll have loads of mates but still be a virgin.
5) Women are better off driving smaller cars because men are better than they are.
6) British trains are roomy, luxurious and comfortable and not the overcrowded cess pits that we thought they were.
7) Educated people are socially backward, have goofy teeth, lots of spots and behave like morons.
8) To express your individuality copy everyone else.
9) Despite claiming that it must end soon the DFS sale will be with us forever.
10) McDonald Burgers are nutritious and wholesome and not slices of bulls' testicles wrapped in damp cardboard at all.
11) British roads are empty and surrounded by moorland and traffic jams are none existent, which is fortunate if you've just spent £10,000 on a brand new car.
12) People who live in Italy all have the plague.
Uncle Brian...filling in the board with crap like this because he couldn't be arsed watching the news today.

Gratuitous BBW Posting

2003-08-15T00:26:00.000Z
Just a little something to help Leve Stangille make it through to his next Bible class without having to resort to his wife.

2003-08-14T17:05:00.000Z

So the BBC didn't exactly lie but they did 'sex-up' Dr Kelly's confidential report...a bit. That's the nature of reporters. They go for headlines. And the government demands an apology for them calling Alistar Campbell a dickwad. Then the BBC demands an apology off the government for doing more than 'sexing up' claims about their reporters. And the government states that the integrity of the BBC news is now in question. So the BBC says that the government's integrity is still in question. And the government accuses the BBC of this. And the BBC accuses the government of that. And...oh for fuck's sake! Shut the fuck up whinging! They're all total bastards!
In case we've forgotten ten thousand people died in Iraq! The so called 'Weapons of Mass Destruction', regardless of anything else, have not been found. The chemical and biological weapons that formed the basis of America and Britain going to war in the first place are still missing! The forty-five minute threat was, obviously, a load of old bollocks because Iraq didn't fight back! And now the allies are occupying a country under the pretence that it's been liberated when the population of that country think very differently and the whole fucking war was a farce and a sham from the very outset!
And still Bush is hunting down Saddam! On what fucking grounds, might I ask?! Regardless of dead civil servants and government spin, there was no fucking major retaliation as promised. Iraq didn't pose the threat it was supposed to be posing. There were no nuclear, biological or chemical strikes! So how come Bush is still hunting him down? What's the excuse? That the man's a bastard? We all know that! But so are Bush and Blair and the bloke who runs the grocers round the corner from me. But that doesn't give me the right to take control of another fucking country and spend millions of the tax payers money trying to track them down and kill them!
When will people ever learn? As George Orwell pointed out in '1984', keep a population at war and they'll remain united behind their government no matter how fucking corrupt and controlling they are!
Come on folks! It's time to fight back and sack the whole fucking lot of them. Then let's try again...this time with a bit more consideration about who we're electing.

2003-08-13T17:06:00.000Z

By 'eck, it's been chilly recently!
An' yet I keep 'earin' people on the telly goin' on about 'ow the weather's smashin' all known records for bein' so 'ot!
Bloody liars, 'scuse my Labia! I've 'ad t' crank me 'eatin' up to three bars an' leave the oven door open!
It's all that Trebor MacDoughnut's fault, the ignorant nig nog! Y' shouldn't have darkies readin' the news, that's what I reckon! Y' just can't trust 'em! Not after that Willy Vanilla fiasco some years ago when those two pop star wallahs was caught pretendin' t' be Des O'Conner and Val Coonigoon. And they couldn't sing at all! Not like those nice white an' orange young men 'oo they was trying to be, in their rocking chairs croonin' with the voices of angels.
Nah...those wig nogs ain't t' be trusted one aorta! Especially not with news what's about the weather bein' so 'ot. 'Ow would they know? They've got black and blue skin what doesn't burn. An' they reflect the 'eat into our eyes so's they can rob us!
An' they can sack that Moira Hindley woman off the ten o'clock news an' all! She's another big wog wig, as my 'Enry (God rest his wallet) quite rightly used t' call 'em! Only she's a wog nig in a wig! Either that or she's got a mop on 'er 'ead. She always sits there all hauty tauty like as though that's 'er proper accent and she's not pretending t' be British so's she can keep 'er job an' suck up t' the queen at all!
Well I ain't 'avin' none of it! I didn't sleep wi' fifty-three Yankee shit Soldiers durin' the War ('scuse my Cock) so's the 'ole bleedin' country could be taken over by black newscasters an' sports presenters!
If we carry on like this we'll be 'avin' bloody Welsh reporters at this rate an' then what's goin' to 'appen?!!
I'm seventeen-two you know, and all me womb 'as turned t' dust because o' this lot!

How freeze one of your Balls off in a heatwave.

2003-08-12T20:51:00.000Z
"Britain's heatwave, which has claimed dozens of sunburn and heat exhaustion victims, has now produced its first case of frostbite.

A motorist was diagnosed with the condition after driving with his toes too close to the air conditioning vent on the 400 kilometre journey from London to Manchester.

One of his toes started to turn black and another went blue.

"It was incredibly hot," Mike Ball, 46, told the Guardian newspaper. "I slipped off my shoe and sock because my car is an automatic and I don't need to use my left foot. I didn't realise anything was wrong until the next day when my foot was extremely painful."

Mr Ball went to his doctor and was prescribed a cure for mild frostbite. He is expected to make a full recovery."

Which is more than can be said for the Guardian editor who thought the story was worth running.

etc

2003-08-12T17:08:00.000Z

The Chapel Driftwood Home for Hopeless Causes: Progress report on patient 132b (Mr B Hughes aged thirty-nine and eleven twelfths, of no fixed mental abode).

Patient shows signs of further deterioration through excessive exposure to sunlight and the banality of modern existence. Take this extract from his Enid Blyton's Bumper Jotter for Junior Diarists example:

"Last night I dreamt that I had taken a weekend break at Archaeology World, a depressive dump not too dissimilar to Pontins out of season with the added attractions of faked archaeological digs and cheap Hollywood look-a-likies wandering around killing the guests.
As one of my fellow detainees in the chalet next to mine put it to reporters, "I was thrilled to witness my brother-in-law shot repeatedly by a five foot two inch Welsh Arnie."
I dug a test pit round the back of the "Wattling Street Stores" and was delighted to uncover two strategically placed Victorian medicine bottles and half a Roman conversation. The conversation appeared to be written in Latin and was contained within a speech bubble with bite marks taken from the corners."

Doctor's comments: Patient unable to separate Time Team from fiction. Recommend five milligrams of whisky to be injected into the buttocks at regular intervals.

Shitty little virus ... O.K. normally that would introduce a post about Johnny Howard, but not in this case.

2003-08-12T02:49:00.000Z
Beware of this little bugger. I've just had a personal confrontation with it. I think I've scared it off. Who knows? Where's Arthur Marrow when you find your little garden laptop is infested with w32.blaster.worms? Down at the bloody pub ~~dining~~ drinking out on stories of snails bigger and uglier than Widdy and slugs more spineless than the majority of Tone's back bench I'll warrant!

I wonder how many ex Microsoft programmers have highly paid jobs with virus software manufacturers. Just a cynical thought.

2003-08-11T17:10:00.000Z

Two frogs have moved into my garden. I've no idea why as the closest thing we have to a pond is a small, moss-covered patch in one corner where the neighbour's cat relieves himself every morning.
One of the frogs is extremely small, about the size of a grain of salt that hasn't been feeling very well lately. The other is large and fat, like two boarding house manageresses squeezed into a Volks Wagon Beetle.
They have taken up residence under my azalea where, every evening, I can hear them singing shanties and frying slugs, snails and vine weevils around a small campfire. This is the sort of behaviour I want to encourage, although the sea shanties can get a bit raucous as the evening wears on. To this end I have supplied them with small cattle prods with which they can defend themselves against the neighbour's cat by prodding its nose until it sizzles. Unfortunately frogs are very stupid and difficult to train and so far they've burnt several of my wallflowers and left a nasty scorch mark on three articles of washing, namely my boxer shorts.
However, this is by no means a free ride for the little green shits! Clearing my garden of all manner of creepy crawlies is all very well and good but if the freeloading, asylum seeking bastards think they can pull one over on me then they've got another think coming. If they answer me back just once then I'll be forced to pursue them round the flower pots and batter them senseless with a Neolithic palstave until they either apologise and return to their pond or, alternatively, croak.

The Iraqi Road Map

2003-08-11T04:01:00.000Z

2003-08-10T09:35:00.000Z

Iain Duncan Smith, lightweight leader of the Tory Party (presenting a pale, washed-out face to the general public in the hopes that it'll help them forget about Maggie's cadaverous one) has demanded (Oooh! You are manly Iain!) that Tony Blair apologise for smearing ~~murdered~~ dead government scientist, David Kelly's, name. (Editor's comment: Yeah, right...like Uncle Tony's really likely to follow Granny Smith's empty demands!)
"Smith (38 going on 90) has been attending Shadowy Cabinet 'U Turn' courses recently," purred Ann Widdicomb, sexy blonde sea mine and temptress minx. "Condemning the government now after he backed them one hundred per cent before the Iraq War is hardly likely to bring the thousands of innocent dead people in Iraq back to life."
Widdicomb stroked her hair knowingly, a flirtatious glint in her beady eyes.
"Of course," she added, running her bulbous tongue evocatively round her pillowslip lips. "We're still glad those ragheads are dead because, well, frankly, the more brown stiffs the less asylum seekers we'll have knocking on our back doors."

Meanwhile the Basil Bush administration in America has admitted to using something a bit like napalm on a few thousand Iraqis during the conflict. Following the disgraceful use of napalm during the Vietnam War ("Uncle Sam says burn those slant eyes!") the USA signed a UN agreement banning the use of this destructive form of burning chemical death.
Frightened about the prospects of a violation of the treaty sparking off reprisals a spokesman for the American authorities replied, "Well, it isn't exactly napalm. Napalm is made from petrol whereas the stuff we burned the ragheads with was made from kerosene."
Spotting amateurs spin in action, Alistar Campbell caught the morning plane to New York armed only with the late Dr Kelly's notebooks regarding the chemical differences between cyanide and rat poison.