It's very easy to get confused between one arab dictator and the next...after all, they all have big moustaches/bushy beards, brown skin and manic eyes. But does anyone out there remember who actually blew up the World Trade Centre? Or has it all just become a bit blurred? Well...here's a reminder from just over a year ago before the emphasis changed to 'any old twat will do'...

American predictions...almost as transigent as New Labour's original election manifesto.

US busts huge identity theft ring.

Federal authorities have broken up what they called the biggest identity theft case in US history and charged three men with stealing credit information, draining victims' bank accounts and ruining their credit.

US Attorney James Comey said the losses were calculated so far at $US2.7 million ($A4.8 million) but would balloon worldwide to many more millions. One customer alone lost over $USI.3 million when his identity was assumed by a complete stranger posing as a British Gas meter installer.

Mr.Brian Hughes of Pixie Dell, (Lancs) said, "I thought something was up when the $US1 million I deposited in the meter disappeared overnight. With a bit of careful planning that amount usually gets me through the week. My suspicions deepened when I started getting postcards from myself postmarked Monte Carlo, telling me I was having a wonderful time and expressing the wish that I was there. That's where this imposter really gave the game away, I know for certain I would never wish myself to be in Monte Carlo, I'm a Las Vegas kinda guy thru and thru."

"Throughout this whole trying ordeal British Gas was wonderfully helpful. They said they would immediately restore supply to my villa in Monte Carlo. I await a postcard from myself to confirm this. I cannot say enough for the lady who pushes and pulls the plugs on the British Gas ouija board and who managed to put me in contact with the Customer Relations Staff. Doris Stokes you are a living legend. The manner in which Reggie and Ronny, the twin bailiffs from B.G. went about their work was both courteous and efficient. The specialist assures me that I will suffer no permanent disfigurement, and the limp will disappear over time."

A few more Bushisms courtesy of Bush Cartoons Com.

"I can't hear you because I can't see." - G.W. Bush from Journeys With George by Alexandra Pelosi, debuted on HBO Nov. 5, 2002

"There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, it's probably in Tennessee --that says, fool me once, shame on ... shame on you. Fool me ... You can't get fooled again." - G.W. Bush quoted by the Baltimore Sun - Oct 6, 2002

"Do you have blacks too?" - Bush ignorantly asked Brazil's President Fernando Henrique Cardoso. Reported by the reputable German publication Der Spiegel. Rumor has it, Condoleza Rice interupted the president and explained in brief the African history in Brazil.

"And so, in my State of the -- my State of the Union -- or state -- my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation -- I asked Americans to give 4,000 years --4,000 hours over the next -- the rest of your life -- of service to America."" - G.W. Bush. April 9th, 2002. Reported by the San Francisco Gate (among others)

"There's nothing more deep than recognizing Israel's right to exist. That's the most deep thought of all. ... I can't think of anything more deep than that right."-March 13th, 2000, Washington, D.C.

"{waves hello}"- G.W. Bush waves to the blind musician, Stevie Wonder, as reported by the Washington Post, March 6th, 2002


"It's my honor to speak to you as the leader of your country. And the great thing about America is you don't have to listen unless you want to." — Speaking to recently sworn in immigrants on Ellis Island, July 10, 2001

"Well, it's an unimaginable honor to be the president during the Fourth of July of this country. It means what these words say, for starters. The great inalienable rights of our country. We're blessed with such values in America. And I--it's--I'm a proud man to be the nation based upon such wonderful values."—Visiting the Jefferson Memorial, Washington, D.C., July 2, 2001

"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it."—Philadelphia, May 14, 2001

"First, we would not accept a treaty that would not have been ratified, nor a treaty that I thought made sense for the country." —George W. Bush, on the Kyoto accord, April 24, 2001

"They misunderestimated me."—Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."—Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

"I understand small business growth. I was one."-New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."-Pella, Iowa, as quoted by the San Antonio Express-News, Jan. 30, 2000

"It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet."—Arlington Heights, Ill., Oct. 24, 2000

"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question."—Reynoldsburg, Ohio, Oct. 4, 2000

Finally, after four days of hard graft, isolation from the real world, and self-induced comas, I have managed to make contact with the other side.

Yes, this morning British Gas actually picked up their bloody phone. It came as a great shock to my system to hear a human voice on the other end of the line as opposed to a computerised woman telling me to hang up and try again later. After some complicated button pressing down on my hands and knees in the meter cupboard with a torch, under the guidance of James-How-Can-I-Help-You, a procedure similar in practice to being told how to land a Boeing 707 by the control tower, I eventually found the enigmatic screen 27 where I was informed that I owed British Gas the grand total of £49.70.

"Why exactly?" I asked James-How-Can-I-Help-You. "I'm on a pre-paid meter. I can't possibly get into debt."

"It seems we've made a billing error, Mr Hughes."

You're not fucking kidding there are you, James? It's a good job I noticed the money being nibbled away isn't it? Because screen 27 (press and hold button 'A' for five minutes, then advance to screen 24 before inserting card for ten seconds and proceding to screen 27) wasn't exactly declaring itself openly. Who knows how many millions I could have lost by now if it wasn't for my vigilance.

Apparently it's going to take a week before they sort things out. In the meantime the meter will continue to eat my money without question because of British Gas' so-called computer error. I call that theft.

I have decided that if this problem isn't sorted out within seven days (repaid in full and working as agreed in the original contract) I shall start charging British Gas interest on the money they've already stolen from me. It seems only fair. I shall charge £1.00 per day for every £1.00 they've nicked off my Gas card until they can be arsed paying me back. And I'm holding James personally responsible. Four days to answer the bloody phone! I don't smell Gas...I smell the stench of corruption. Remember folks...BRITISH GAS...THEY STINK!

The team of highly trained weapons inspectors hand picked by President George W. Bush, Tony Blair and a bloke they know who really loves detective yarns.

BE AFRAID MR. HOOOSANE, BE VERY AFRAID!

Within minutes of their arrival Inspector Morse and his trusty offsider uncover a paring knife of mass destruction.

THE BITCH IS BACK! (well almost)