Available now...if you happen to know me personally and live within walking distance of my house.*
All the best jokes that the Krankies have ever written!
All the wisest words spoken by New Labour or written on the toilet walls in the Commons!
Absolutely no connection with Christopher Biggins or Michael Barrymore!
The Magazine that raped Ulrika and gave Cliff Richards a stiff one up the arse!
*Coming soon to a newsagents nowhere near you unless you happen to live in Fleetwood.

Please note: No celebrities or politicians were hurt in the making of this booklet...although it wasn't through want of trying. Free pull-out colour section of the ex-Queen Mum in the nude fraternising with the corgis if you fail to buy a copy!

US report admits 'no reliable information' of Iraq WMD

A US Defence Intelligence Agency (DIA) report has revealed there was "no reliable information" that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction in September last year.

However, the head of the agency says that does not mean Iraq did not possess such weapons.

The DIA report included a reference that it did not have enough "reliable information" on Iraq's weapons of mass destruction (WMD).

The report was presented to the administration as it was mounting a case for the urgent disarmament of Iraq.

Vice Admiral Lowell Jacoby, the head of the agency, says the report found it could not find proof of Iraq's chemical and biological weapons, but that did not mean the agency believed Iraq did not possess any.

"It is not in any way intended to portray the fact that we had doubts that such a programme existed," he said.

Admiral Jacoby today testified before the Senate Intelligence Committee which has begun an inquiry into the quality of US intelligence and if it was doctored in any way to strengthen the case for going to war.

Further enquiries are to be held into the existence of the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and a bearded fat bloke in a red suit who is reported to have an unhealthy relationship with a number of little helpers. Should no evidence be found of their existence there will be a massive worldwide recall of biscuspid bounties, chocolate eggs and stuffed stockings. The United Nations has all its agencies on red alert for the implementation of "Operation Sorry It Was Just A Clerical Error".

Deputy Editor shall be AWOL for the next 3 days. Family matters. (Such matters may involve semi automatic shotguns and/or ground glass, however no jury would convict.)

The True Face of the War: Channel 4 last night.

Disgusting! Shocking! Repugnant! Fascinating!
Quite possibly the best documentary I've seen on television this year...although, frankly, that's not saying a lot. But you know that when highly respected reporters such as John Snow and John Simpson feel the need to get together to tear back the blanket of propaganderous bullshit and reveal the true, fucked-up under belly of what really happened (and is still happening) in Iraq then it's got to be worth watching.
And it was.
My only regret is that programme wasn't shown until a quarter past eleven at night. Obviously you couldn't expect anything else considering some of the footage, but as John Snow himself said, "I'd rather have my children know the truth about conflict so that they can develop informed opinions than remain in ignorance."
My other regret is that this programme will never be shown in America. At least I doubt it will, despite some eminent American journalists supplying their own 'military censored' footage and personal stories.
I don't want to see another Star Spangled Banner waved or hung from a building ever again. I don't want to see another Union Jack held triumphantly in the air. I am sickened by the bullshit of politicians. I'm fucked off with wankers who go on about 'freedom of speech' and 'liberation'. If you get the chance, watch this programme and all the others that Channel 4 have been showing in this series.
Still pro-war? Take another look. You might loose that warm, comfortable feeling that goes with being patriotic. But what you'll gain in knowledge far exceeds it.
Hmmm...a bit of a serious blog for me tonight, eh? Fuck it...it's been a long week and I thought I'd end on a bum note.

God Save The Queen

"Well, well," murmured the Doctor. "Fancy Bumpo studying at Oxford. Well, well!"
"There were great doings in Jolliginki when he left. He was scared to death to come. He was the first man from that country to go abroad. He thought he was going to be eaten by white cannibals or something. You know what those niggers are -- that ignorant! Well! -- But his father made him come. He said that all black kings were sending their sons to Oxford now. It was the fashion, and he would have to go. Bumpo wanted to bring his six wives with him. But the king wouldn't let him do that either. Poor Bumpo went off in tears -- and everybody in the palace was crying too. You never heard such a hullabaloo."
"Do you know if he ever went back in search of The Sleeping Beauty?" asked the Doctor.
"Oh, yes," said Polynesia -- "the day after you left. And a good thing for him he did: the king got to know about his helping you to escape; and he was dreadfully wild about it."
"And The Sleeping Beauty? -- did he ever find her?"
"Well, he brought back something which he said was The Sleeping Beauty. Myself, I think it was an albino niggeress. She had red hair and the biggest feet you ever saw."

Extract from the original 1923 edition of 'THE VOYAGES OF DOCTOR DOLITTLE' by Hugh Lofting, which goes some way towards explaining why modern editions admit quite openly to having been 'expurgated' and also explains how so many people that grew up on these delightful bedtime stories back in the 20s and 30s developed such narrow views on the world.

Despite John Howard deciding to stay on as Prime Minister beyond his 64th birthday (rumour has it up to the year 2084 at least) and denying Liberal deputy Peter Costello the quick succession he was hoping for, they still maintain a good working relationship.

No quick succession Pete? Really! Could have fooled me.

Seen at CRIKEY
(And probably posted on every Australian blog and attached to every email sent in Oz this week.)

Editor's note: This must come as a great blow to everyone in Australia.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Received in an e-mail from the mysterious Dr. G. (I've no idea who he is but he threatened me by dangling a puppy over a vat of acid. Naturally I have decided to comply with his wishes and post the e-mail in full because I don't want my living room stinking of crisp puppy fat.)

I presume this is the way one hands one's rants in. The Scragends guestbook part is bit too short for any serious ranting:

It's time for some comment on the GM farce that is just occuring:

Public consultation on GM foods

1) The public have no idea about GM.

2) This is because the government keep almost all of the real facts secret.

3) Why would anyone in their right mind invite an uneducated majority to consultation?

4) Either to about-turn and get votes from the hoi-polloi, or to ignore (as per usual) but placate the public in the meantime.

5) Why are we bothered about GM in the first place?

6) Not for any particularly sound biological reason but because of US sci-fi drivel like the X-files.

7) Frankenfoods, my arse.

8) We and everything around us are a product of GM.

9) We just call it natural selection, instead.

10) GM just speeds up NS.

10) Ergo, if GM is bad we should all be exterminated.

11) That would solve all government issues.

Dr. G.

Editor's note: I'm forced to agree. Not only because it's all true but because I just heard the fizz of the puppy's tail.