PRESCOTT BASTARD RETURNS TO THE FOLDS:
The past has come back to haunt the Prescotts today in the shape of a previously suspected abortion that managed to clamber its way out of the NHS bucket and back into society over fifty years ago. Pauline Prescott, eighties Thatcherite Dynasty star and husband of British Sumo Wrestling Champion and Deputy Shit, John Prescott, gave birth to an illegitimate nazi back in the 1950s. The child was created in a top secret bunker using Adolf Hitler's sperm and then implanted into Pauline Prescott's neck using her husband's needle dick.
Sensing that producing children out of wedlock might seriously crimp her political aspirations Pauline then raffled the child in a pub to a passing sailor before taking up her seat on the Casterbridge Council.
Unfortunately, now the offensive offspring has clawed his way back to his mother's sagging bosom to claim his inheritance before John Prescott eats the whole fucking lot.
"They've been extremely pleasant to me all things considered," explained Major Cockup Prescott to the press this morning. "Especially seeing as I've never voted Labour in my life. I'm a fox hunting Tory and proud of it!"
In that case he should fit right in with the bastards!
JK Rowling is currently suing the Major for once having been a child.

The United States released digitally altered pictures of ousted Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein on Friday that coalition forces are using in their efforts to track him down.

The U.S. military images -- which were posted on the U.S. Central Command Web site Friday -- show five versions of Saddam. One shows him with his dyed black hair and a full beard; another wearing a salt-and-pepper beard and a white headdress with black bands; two poses show him with what would probably be his natural hair color -- gray -- and a mustache; and another shows him with gray hair and no mustache.

Another set of images of the former Iraqi leader is being distributed only to members of Task Force 20 -- the elite military group charged with finding Saddam.

The Rant of the Week's editor has been on secondment to MI5 for the past week. Armed with his new Kodak Box Brownie the editor has generated the following digitally altered pictures to Task Force 20. By special arrangement with MI5 these photos are able to be shown exclusively here at the Rant of the Week. (DISCLAIMER: These arrangements have nothing to do at all at all with the editor possessing compromising photos of the head of MI5 naked bar for a pair Anne Widdicombe's paisley hot-pants in which were secreted Edwina Currie, John Major, 15 of the royal corgis and the lost tribesmen of the Kalahari.)



WARNING!
This tuber is both dangerous and malignant, do not approach!
Call your local office of the Department of Agriculture.

Argentinian supermarkets take the piss.

Argentina's dirty supermarket
secret revealed

A national debate has begun in Argentina after it was discovered several supermarkets in the province of Mendoza require their employees to wear nappies on the job.

Local government officials have denounced the policy as degrading and humiliating.

At least one union official says it has been a dirty secret in the Mendoza province for years.

Female checkout clerks have been required to wear nappies in order to cut down on time in the toilet.

So? McDonalds has been employing kiddies still in nappies for years.

---

And just when you think the sheet shit covered Ku Klux Klanners had plumbed all depths ... along come these sophisticated little gems.

How long does it take a nigger to pass a turd? Nine months.

Tasteful.

Subtle and tasteful

Courtesy of the Grand Dragon at http://members.odinsrage.com/kigy/ where "The Movement Is Getting Bigger & Bigger.... And I'm Sure Glad I'm Not A Nigger".

I'm against capital punishment.
I'm against censorship.
I'm against limitations on freedom of expression.
I'm against the thought police.
I'm not against having these lads taken out into a sports stadium and stoned to death.
I'm not against being selectively inconsistent.

Lanky Scots television presenter, John "I love lesbians even if they don't love me" Leslie has been acquitted of the rape allegations brought against him by an unnamed member of the public. Ronnie Corbett has once again been implicated but for legal reasons we have been asked to point out that Ronnie's bowlegged walk is more likely down to him suffering from dwarfism rather than having had anal sex with a blubbering Scottish twat.
Leslie's "nightmare" began when Ulrika Johnson published her autobiography in which she claimed that she was indecently assaulted by a television personality. Critics at the time pointed out the Leslie couldn't have been involved because he has about as much personality a stainless steel bucket full of water.
Since the Rant of the Week went public with Ronnie Corbett's Leslie's alleged involvement several council estate slappers managed to step onto the gravy train as it pulling out of the station. Yesterday, however, all charges were dropped following revelations that Leslie had been caught outside Buckingham Palace with one of Prince Charles' servants and a large pat of butter.
In a tearful statement outside the court worthy of an Oscar, Leslie proclaimed, "I have bin vindicated. Noo Ay just wanna get back tee narmal life!" Three female members of the news crew were heard screaming as they ran away.
The producers of "This Morning" however have decided that Leslie will not be returning to the programme.
"This has nothing to do with the rape allegations," said a spokesman for ITV. "It's just that, during the trial by media, we realised what a talentless twat he actually was."
Ulrika Johnson, in the meantime, has sold millions of copies of her made-up piece of old shit autobiography to celebrity gossip lovers who were hoping to read about Leslie's none-existant sexual forays. Johnson will appear in court on Monday charged with crimes against British publishing and is currently being sued for plagiarism by JK Rowling.

Is it just me but is the law an ass?
Detention children held unlawfully, judge rules

"A Family Court judge in Adelaide has ruled that five children in immigration detention are being held unlawfully, but there is insufficient evidence to order their release.

Justice Steven Strickland told a packed courtroom that he is deferring his final decision until further evidence is presented to him.

Lawyers for the children are now considering whether to present further evidence today, or agree to an adjournment.

The three girls aged six, nine and 11 and two boys aged 12 and 14, all from the same family, have been detained for more than two years. "

The best $30 million the State Department never had to part with.

"The US State Department says Secretary of State Colin Powell has approved a $US30 million reward to the person who led US forces to Saddam's sons.

Spokesman Richard Boucher declined to name the recipient of the reward, $15 million for each son, but media reports have said he is Nawaf al-Zeidane, the businessman in whose house the pair took refuge in the northern city of Mosul. "

What are the odds of Mr. Nawaf al-Zeidane getting to the Post Office unscathed to collect his giro and living to a ripe old age in the lap of luxury courtesy of the U.S. taxpayer?

Pity the Pentagon's Futures Market Plan has been scuppered. I wouldn't have minded having a lazy dollar or six on Mr. Nawaf al-Zeidane's future.

"That would be seeing it totally out of perspective" Really? After 9/11 isn't this the way everything is viewed?

'Blunder' blamed for warning confusion

Australia's intelligence officials are blaming a bureacratic blunder for a minsunderstanding between Australia and the United States over a new terror warning.

The US Department of Homeland Security is now planning to issue a revised alert to the airline industry.

The original warning listed Australia as a possible target for an Al Qaeda mission.

The Howard Government has been pressuring US officials to revise that alert.

They have now agreed to do that. Instead of naming Australia as a target, it will highlight the country as a possible "point of origin" for terrorists planning to hijack flights to attack the US or Britain.

Australian Security Intelligence Organisation chief Dennis Richardson believes an honest, bureaucratic mistake by the US was the problem.

"This is not an issue between intelligence agencies, it's simply an issue in terms of someone's misreading of the facts that they had before them," he said.

"Mistakes do happen and when mistakes happen you don't call into question the whole structure of a relationship. That would be seeing it totally out of perspective."

Federal Attorney-General Daryl Williams blames the Americans for all the confusion.

"I think there isn't any justification for anybody being confused about the Australian Government's position. We have been completely consistent all along."

Mr Williams denies there has been a breakdown in communications between the two countries.

Well that's all very par for the course. The A'merkins have a tenuous grasp on the engalish language at best. They have an even more tenuous grasp on reality in the current geo-political, socio-economic, comedic, pastoral, historical, tragical climate. If you have Henny Penny Rumsfeld running around finding Al Qaeda agents under every bed, things are likely to get a chicken little out of hand.

From my recent Qantas experience, any potential terrorist worth his salt would probably get sick of waiting for a plane to become available and hijack a taxi out of frustration. Again from my experience, most Oz cabbies get lost within a block of picking up a fare so the chances of the hijacker ending up in either U.S. or U.K. is all very cloud cuckoo.

---

"Porky's 40" The Bush Administration's Top 40 Lies About War and Terrorism.