Investigations into alleged rape and inappropriate dealings concerning 'official presents' at St James' Palace...investigations lead by close friend and personal confident to Prince Charles, Michael Peak...have revealed today that absolutely nothing wrong has ever happened anywhere within fifteen miles of the Royal Family. "Oh...apart from a couple of presents that were sold accidentally to a pawn shop in Islington, obviously," Sir Michael said when confronted with the receipts. "Didn't I mention them earlier? There was a bit of confusion about them apparently. Some of the servants got it into their heads that a fifteen thousand pound jewel encrusted solid gold ship from the Sultan of Kazakstan was just some cheap tacky ornament and was up for grabs. The Queen Mum (God rest her brown choppers) was always buying bits of cheap tat from the local Oxfam and the objects became confused in the servants' tiny minds. However the bum-rape allegations against Chuck's private secretary are completely unfounded. We have checked the royal wardrobes and have found no little black thongs with six-month old spunk encrusted into their gussets...no smoking cigar of any description in fact."

Accusations of a whitewash have been levelled at the palace...especially since the private secretary involved today resigned, was paid a substantial sum of money to 'help with his housing costs' and then given a new post...still in the palace. "I strenuously deny any whitewash," Sir Michael Peak replied. "Apart from the stuff on Charles' buttocks of course...oh, what have I said?"

Across the Atlantic the Bush Administration has decided that it isn't going to pay a single cent towards the cost of rebuilding Iraq following the war. "Bugger that!" commented Donald Rumsfelt. "We've already got a budget deficit stretching into trillions. No...the rest of you can finance the reconstruction of those Muslim towel-heads' crappy little mud huts." However, it has also emerged that 'Rebuilding Contracts' have been put out to tender by the American government and not a single one of them has actually been offered to anybody outside the USA.

"The thing is..." snarled George W. Bush, having been accidentally let off his leash for a few moments. "We're up to our eyeballs in debt. This way we can coin in the readies to clear our deficit without having to fork anything out in return. In fact, now that we've got this situation under control, we've realised that the more damage we do to Iraq the more money America will make from its reconstruction."

The full implications of America's 'moral crusade' are fast becoming clear. The situation could be compared with a criminal breaking into somebody's house, killing their family, strangling their pets, wrecking the furniture and setting fire to the garden...and then having a legal precedent to charge their victims to botch up the repairs afterwards without having to worry about any refunding. No wonder the bastards want to start this war so quickly.

And the British government wonders why the crime rate has shot through the roof. Between Blair, Bush, Howard and the Windsors (not to mention the Arch Chancellor, Major Charles Thieving Bastard of "I tried to cheat on Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" fame and numerous other inbred, immoral, unethical, depraved, vile, blood sucking upper crust chinless wonders) the examples being set for the lower orders are on a level with the Mafia.

"We must fight for our western values, our moral virtue and our democracy..." said Mrs Jelly of Ward one-oh-one, Fleetwood psychiatric hospital. "The fact that Tony Blair can't get a second resolution on Iraq only goes to prove that the anti-war coalition...especially the French...are all ignorant bastards." At which point she passed out as the serum kicked in.

Editor's p.s. Seeing as all the Rant of the Week staff have buggered off...just as war is about to break out...leaving me completely alone and in the lurch, so to speak...is there anybody out there who'd like to join the dedicated team me here at the board. If so...please leave your e-mail address, bosom size and other statistics in the comments box below. Thanks! (Me thinks there's going to be more sackings than in the Labour party around these postings soon.)

Deputy Editor Sedgwick signing in from the Pina Colada section of Bondi Beach for a wee moment.

...Kylie get your boobs out of my face, I'm trying to type a message to the Editor, he holds the future of my career in his hands for Godsake! Kylie, I know the bit of me that you have in your hands is totally awesome and captivating but there are other pressing matters to be dealt with ... with of which to deal ... of which dealing to from at with which to must be prepositionally undangled ...

Yes, good and benificent Editor who passeth all misunderstanding, my site is at 6s and 7s for a wee while as my ISP upgrades etc (code for "the cleaning lady has lost the key to room containing all of the computer thingies, and we can't get in until one of the Timpsons turns up with a wire coat hanger") This message was on the "Status Page" ...

"Last check done on Friday, 14 March 2003 1:33:10 PM Maintenance indicates only partial service available. Please see details below."

... and it will not surprise you to learn that "details below" consisted of a blank space.