INTRODUCING:

Hello ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. My name's Robillina Christian. And this my favourite little friend in the whole wide world ever, the Amazing Baby Jesus. Say hello to the boys and girls, Baby Jesus.

Suck my dick, bitch!

Now Baby Jesus! That's not a very pleasant thing to say. What will the nice boys and girls think?

Who gives a fuck, lady? Just give us a suck on your big saggy tits.

Well now, boys and girls, Baby Jesus and I have been invited along to this Blogger board today to tell you all about God and Heaven and fluffy kittens in big pink ribbons and bows and stuff. Haven't we Baby Jesus?

Piss off cunt.

And all about what happens to bad boys and girls who don't brush their teeth or who play with themselves beneath the bed sheets.

Fucking paedophile.

Now Baby Jesus, just you stop that! You're supposed to be setting a good example. I'm going to have to spank you in a minute.

Promises, promises you fat bastard. Go on, give us a flash of your fat hairy minge you horrible dobber.

Right! That's quite enough out of you young man. We'd better leave this for now until you're being better behaved. Sorry about this boys and girls. But we will return at some future date.

Fuck that! I'm going to shag some angels.

And when we do return we'll be able to tell you all about how the Jews and the Arabs are going to burn in the fires of Hell for eternity. And how only sensible Christians will experience the rapture and go to Heaven where's there's plenty of ice cream and omelettes and McDonalds. Won't that be fun?

Fun my shitter. It's fucking boring!

That's it! Back on your cross with you, young man! Goodnight ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. And please don't forget to call again for another visit. Say goodbye Baby Jesus, while I sort these nails out.

Eat cunt, you mother fucker!

*************

Editor's Apology: The staff here at the Rant of the Week would like to apologise for the extreme nature of the cabaret act featured above. Whilst variety is, of course, the spice of life, Robillina Christian and the Amazing Baby Jesus have pushed the boundaries of taste straight through the digestive system and into the lavatory bowl. We were assured by their agents that they were an 'interesting novelty act that wouldn't offend the most puritanical nun'. Instead they used terms such as 'McD*nalds' and 'fl*ffy kittens' in plain view of children. Next week, as a less offensive replacement, we shall be bringing you Bernard Manning and his dancing Muslims.

In an attempt to sort out the increasingly dreadful British Educational system, the government has now proposed the introduction of more 'Work Placement Schemes' for under-achieving children. Kids at the age of fourteen (presumably with their faces masked so that paedophiles can't abuse them in the work place seeing as there don't appear to any background checks on these people) who are not academically minded will be given the opportunity to spend two days a week in a proper work environment as manual-labouring slaves. Class sizes will plummet. The buses at 4 o'clock in the evening won't have as many noisy, loud-mouthed little gits on them. And the trees in the parks will become rainbow coloured and bear tiny flying pigs.

"I can't see anything wrong with the proposals," said David Blunkett, who obviously couldn't. "Let's face it. The factories must have their fodder and it's better than these little 'street urchins' (copyright WasteofHTML.com 2003) having nothing to keep them occupied."

As someone who experienced the risible Youth Opportunities Programme back in the early eighties under Maggie bin Thatch's regime, I know only too well what 'Work Experience' means. It means gratuitous reductions in the numbers for government problem areas as the 'Opportunistic Youths' automatically vanish into the statistical ether. It means an incredibly cheap labour force for ethically unsound businesses. (Editor's note: Surely such things don't exist in dear old Britain?) It means a rise in the unemployment of menial workers as kids below the legal working age step in to take their place. And, if my three day experience of stacking shelves for no reward was anything to go off, it puts the 'lucky kid' off work for the rest of his life.

What is it about New Labour that makes them intent on removing education from the working classes? First they take away student grants, preventing everyone under a certain income from getting into university. Then they introduce a 'loan' scheme meaning that people from a working class background will end up paying more than those from the more well-off. (An average of £21,000 per student apparently.) Then they allow the universities to triple their fees if they so desire. And now they're actively encouraging the 'under-achievers' (i.e. those from council estates and working class neighbourhoods) to leave school at the age of fourteen and prepare themselves for adult life. Surely they should be giving them sleeping bags, a flask of coffee and a dole card if they want to do that?

My recommendation: If the kids aren't getting the education they deserve/need then get the little bastards to study at weekends as well before we end up in a society where only the aristocracy know how to read and write and the prols are left to sweep their companions out of the gutters. Video cameras everywhere, two distinct sections of society, mass hysteria manipulated by the media, the country always being at war, spin doctors wherever you turn and the anti-terrorism bill where people can be arrested without charge and have no recourse to the law. Sound familiar? Well it might, but only if you come from a rich enough background to have actually heard of Orwell.

UNCLE TONY IS WATCHING YOU!

Repent while you've still got time!

My latest cartoon was inspired by the way my nephew and his friends are wearing their pants these days...

Peter speaks on the war with Iraq. Oil is a good thing!

Now, many of you will know that I am slightly more right-wing and slightly more militaristic than many on the blog (that is to say, "pro-action" rather than taking a more pacifistic stance). However, I am now going to argue FOR war on Iraq, not just for economic reasons (yes, the oil! whee!) but also for strategic and political reasons. Always the one for causing controversy while also trying to talk SOME sense :)

Too true. There is no connection with Iraq and Al Qaeda. Why is this? Because the Deputy Prime Minister is a Christian, and the fundamentalist Islam Al Qaeda won't deal with such "low life scum" who put infidels into such high positions. UP YOURS OSAMA! AND YOUR MUM! But wait, mustn't bitch about his momma, she's in the Royal Family of Saudi Arabia if I recall ;)

So why go out to Iraq and fight a war against people you don't need to, you ask? Well, for a start there is this oil issue. Before you go all skitz and say "we should not go to war for oil!!!!!" I just want to show you why we should, on the contrary, kick the crap out of Iraq for oil.

Okay, so Iraq cuts off the oil supply. What would this mean for us? Well, first the petrol prices would go up. Then, people would start hoarding, and the government would have to step in to control the flow of petrol into the country, making the oil industry in effect nationalised. After this, as oil supply drops more and more, industry would begin to slow down and eventually, heavy industry would collapse. The result? collapse of the economy, your cars not working, planes not flying. Army, Navy and Air Force requisition all fuel, and Britain is effectively starved.

Worst Case Scenario? Yes. But even if we changed our priority to North Sea drilling, as well as the oil at the poles, little could be done and the eventual result would be the draining of those resources MUCH FASTER.

I don't want to go on about the oil. It's a topic that ticks me off. "Don't fight for oil" is not we should be saying. Surely such a vital resource to our economy (and therefore the welfare of the nation's jobs and ultimately you yourselves) as well as consumer and service sectors is worth fighting for? Meh, either way.

Now, strategic problems. Iraq does prove a threat. Not as great a threat as China or North Korea, perhaps, but a sizeable threat. We imposed a no fly zone to curb their military aggression against Kuwait, and they STILL fly into it and attack our units there. Now, you may say that we have unfairly placed a military sanction or military "court order" on them. But Kuwait asked for our help, they have it, and Iraq refuse to accept that. Nasty foreign policy? I think so. Further, the region itself is very unstable, and nasty foreign policy does not support such a move towards stability. Admittedly some of the American puppet governments aren't great, but they add a wee bit more stability to the Middle-East. Israel don't help that situation...

Further, in eliminating foreign threats from the middle east, we can finally relieve an awful lot of machinery and man-power out there, so we can bring them back to man Green Goddesses! Hurray!!

Fingers hurt, and pot noodles beckon. I'm sure I could do something more comprehensive, but I EM HUNGREH! RAWR!!!

Thanks for listening!

Pete C.

Editor's note: Peter, with regard to the Iraqi oil supply, surely there are currently sanctions in place against Iraq that prohibit the export of its oil, aren't there? (I could be wrong here. Feel free to chastise me in whatever manner you feel fit if I am. Horsewhips and a schoolmaster's cane for preference.) Most of the world's oil comes from Saudi Arabia, Kuwait etc (with a special discount for American liberators). Even if Iraq is still supplying the west it would be impossible for it to remove its own oil exports unless it found a lucrative market in sand wholesale, as oil is the main financial resource for the country. It strikes me that America actually wants to gain some sort of monopoly and/or discount on oil supplies with the aquisition of the Iraqi wells and, to be honest, America is already too big for its boots. Still, as they say, oil is thicker than blood as the 50,000 projected deaths that will result from this debacle will soon bear testimony. And now it's back to normal viewing. Please leave your comments in support of or against Mr Cooper's argument in the comments box below. You know you want to...

When asked by the back-bench MP’s who made up yesterday’s Commons Liaison Committee if there was any evidence that linked Saddam Hussein to Al Qaeda, Phoney Tony replied, “Not to my knowledge.” When asked about Britain’s “special” relationship with the US our revered leader was of the opinion that we should stand alongside our American cousins because it was unfair to allow them to stand alone during the current crisis. When it was suggested that the US is the only serious superpower left (I think the Chinese might have something to say about that!) and was, in effect, the biggest bully on the block intent on pursuing international policies to the benefit of itself, Blair defended his buddy Dubya by describing the US as a “force for good”. Tone has admitted publicly that he knows of no link between Saddam and Al Qaeda yet Bush the Bewildered is citing this apparently none existent link as one of a long list of excuses to declare war on Iraq and is happy to allow US citizens to believe that Saddam is somehow partly responsible for the destruction of the twin towers. Shouldn’t Phoney be worried that Dubya is prepared to go to war on a lie? Doesn’t this jar with his claim that the US is “a force for good”? Doesn’t it worry Bleughh that the US and Britain are, to some extent, responsible for Saddam’s weapons programme? The British and US governments weren’t bothered about Saddam’s fitness to rule when they helped to arm him in his war against Iran, mostly because he was hell bent on upsetting the reactionary Ayatollah Khomeini and his Shi’ite regime, considered to be a major pain in the arse by both the US and Britain. Who can blame Saddam if he thought he could get away with invading another neighbour, Kuwait? Dubya and Bleughh have made a lot of mileage out of the empty chemical shell casings that were found in some bunker. Because they did not appear on the 12,000 page inventory it is a sign that Saddam isn’t co-operating. I don’t doubt that the Iraqi dictator is guilty of obfuscation and that his chemical and biological weapons (which everyone knows he has) are stashed somewhere very safe, probably outside Iraq’s borders. However, the empty shell cases are a poor excuse to go and bomb the crap out of Iraqi civilians. If Dubya and Bleughh were asked to make inventory of every single weapon in their national arsenals would they be able to include every last one whether armed with a warhead or not? Would they include the weapons that should be there but are not? Would they include the weapons grade fissile material that has gone “missing” from nuclear power stations? What about the raft of MOD shells about to be decommissioned by being blown up, lost after floating away down the Bristol Channel? A virtual mushroom cloud of hypocrisy hangs over these two bastards and the fallout will be measured in body bags. Now Bleughh has refused to rule out the use of nukes in Iraq. Well, I suppose a well aimed cruise missile with a nuclear warhead is far cheaper than equipping our army with full basic kit (uniforms, boots, weapons, radios, vehciles etc). The US, despite all its military might and fearsome rhetoric, failed to “get” Saddam eleven years ago just like they completely failed to "get" Osama bin Laden for over a year.. Now they want to go for a re-match. Apart from a lot of dead Iraqi civilians and bombed out buildings Saddam has nothing to worry about because the only thing that US combat troops abroad are capable of "getting" is the death of allied troops from "friendly fire" and the clap from local whores!

T.V.'s Frank Windsor says:

"Sick of snails ruining your garden? Then try smacking the little bastards with a hammer!"

Come on you have to admit it, some of those Pommy backpackers that venture Downunder are just asking for it.

Quick Peggy, get out the frigging 303!

James Herriot's Christopher Timothy says:

"You'll be dead soon so buy some life insurance."

97: John Prescott. Deliberately born in 1951 so that he'd missed the Second World War, Prescott soon began to put on weight due to the forced feeding of offal pies and slabs of lard by his old fashioned parents. By the age of six he'd reached a staggering 32 stone per leg and often used his jowls to trip up the other children in his playground. After being voted School Bully for 1959 Prescott took up boxing, becoming one of the political heavyweights by the 1970s but still pursing his old career of bullying toddlers until the ripe old age of 52. By now his weight was becoming a problem for the infrastructure of the old Yorkshire roads and he was moved to the more solid grounds of Westminster in two very large jaguars. (One for each breast.)

Finding it more and more difficult to financially support his three Indian elephants and four bucket of marsupials a day habit, Prescott decided to sell off his greatest assets, those being his socialist principles. When elected to office of Deputy Prime Minister in the early 1990s his chin measured a colossal fifteen feet round with a dimple of 84 yards in depth. In later years his heart was transplanted for something more adequate to take the strain, namely a pebble. After telling egg-wielding reporters to "Fuck off or 'ee'd lamp 'em one" during a routine wobble through Snowdonia Prescott was finally arrested for having child pornography tattooed round his neck. "It was like the Bayou tapestry," commented Chief Inspector Brush of the Yard. "Only more explicit and involvin' bananas."

Prescott is now buried at his luxury garage in Northumberland and stretches for more than thirteen miles along Hadrian's Wall.

Over one third of Britain's military has now been sent to the Gulf in preparation for a war with Iraq that the government claim they hope won't happen. Back at home the fire brigade are about to go on strike again. (Who can blame them, really? I mean the war...ahem...possible war, is going to cost somewhere in the region of 30 billion quid in bombs and tanks alone.) Unfortunately this means that the remaining military will be occupied putting out fires rather than defending the country. "This is outrageous!" a spokesperson for the Conservative Party spat into his porridge this morning. "We could be invaded by any old crack pot and there'd be sod all we could do about it." To further heighten tensions the Welsh Assembly showed clear signs of taking advantage of England's difficult situation this morning when it rounded up 15,000 sheep and amassed them along Offer's Dyke. The Prime Minister was not available for comment as he was having plastic surgery to narrow his tongue after President Bush's sphincter muscles tightened in anger last Thursday.