Hello ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. My name's Robillina Christian. And this my favourite little friend in the whole wide world ever, the Amazing Baby Jesus. Say hello to the boys and girls, Baby Jesus.
Suck my dick, bitch!
Now Baby Jesus! That's not a very pleasant thing to say. What will the nice boys and girls think?
Who gives a fuck, lady? Just give us a suck on your big saggy tits.
Well now, boys and girls, Baby Jesus and I have been invited along to this Blogger board today to tell you all about God and Heaven and fluffy kittens in big pink ribbons and bows and stuff. Haven't we Baby Jesus?
Piss off cunt.
And all about what happens to bad boys and girls who don't brush their teeth or who play with themselves beneath the bed sheets.
Fucking paedophile.
Now Baby Jesus, just you stop that! You're supposed to be setting a good example. I'm going to have to spank you in a minute.
Promises, promises you fat bastard. Go on, give us a flash of your fat hairy minge you horrible dobber.
Right! That's quite enough out of you young man. We'd better leave this for now until you're being better behaved. Sorry about this boys and girls. But we will return at some future date.
Fuck that! I'm going to shag some angels.
And when we do return we'll be able to tell you all about how the Jews and the Arabs are going to burn in the fires of Hell for eternity. And how only sensible Christians will experience the rapture and go to Heaven where's there's plenty of ice cream and omelettes and McDonalds. Won't that be fun?
Fun my shitter. It's fucking boring!
That's it! Back on your cross with you, young man! Goodnight ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. And please don't forget to call again for another visit. Say goodbye Baby Jesus, while I sort these nails out.
Eat cunt, you mother fucker!
Editor's Apology: The staff here at the Rant of the Week would like to apologise for the extreme nature of the cabaret act featured above. Whilst variety is, of course, the spice of life, Robillina Christian and the Amazing Baby Jesus have pushed the boundaries of taste straight through the digestive system and into the lavatory bowl. We were assured by their agents that they were an 'interesting novelty act that wouldn't offend the most puritanical nun'. Instead they used terms such as 'McD*nalds' and 'fl*ffy kittens' in plain view of children. Next week, as a less offensive replacement, we shall be bringing you Bernard Manning and his dancing Muslims.
In an attempt to sort out the increasingly dreadful British Educational system, the government has now proposed the introduction of more 'Work Placement Schemes' for under-achieving children. Kids at the age of fourteen (presumably with their faces masked so that paedophiles can't abuse them in the work place seeing as there don't appear to any background checks on these people) who are not academically minded will be given the opportunity to spend two days a week in a proper work environment as manual-labouring slaves. Class sizes will plummet. The buses at 4 o'clock in the evening won't have as many noisy, loud-mouthed little gits on them. And the trees in the parks will become rainbow coloured and bear tiny flying pigs.
"I can't see anything wrong with the proposals," said David Blunkett, who obviously couldn't. "Let's face it. The factories must have their fodder and it's better than these little 'street urchins' (copyright WasteofHTML.com 2003) having nothing to keep them occupied."
As someone who experienced the risible Youth Opportunities Programme back in the early eighties under Maggie bin Thatch's regime, I know only too well what 'Work Experience' means. It means gratuitous reductions in the numbers for government problem areas as the 'Opportunistic Youths' automatically vanish into the statistical ether. It means an incredibly cheap labour force for ethically unsound businesses. (Editor's note: Surely such things don't exist in dear old Britain?) It means a rise in the unemployment of menial workers as kids below the legal working age step in to take their place. And, if my three day experience of stacking shelves for no reward was anything to go off, it puts the 'lucky kid' off work for the rest of his life.
What is it about New Labour that makes them intent on removing education from the working classes? First they take away student grants, preventing everyone under a certain income from getting into university. Then they introduce a 'loan' scheme meaning that people from a working class background will end up paying more than those from the more well-off. (An average of £21,000 per student apparently.) Then they allow the universities to triple their fees if they so desire. And now they're actively encouraging the 'under-achievers' (i.e. those from council estates and working class neighbourhoods) to leave school at the age of fourteen and prepare themselves for adult life. Surely they should be giving them sleeping bags, a flask of coffee and a dole card if they want to do that?
My recommendation: If the kids aren't getting the education they deserve/need then get the little bastards to study at weekends as well before we end up in a society where only the aristocracy know how to read and write and the prols are left to sweep their companions out of the gutters. Video cameras everywhere, two distinct sections of society, mass hysteria manipulated by the media, the country always being at war, spin doctors wherever you turn and the anti-terrorism bill where people can be arrested without charge and have no recourse to the law. Sound familiar? Well it might, but only if you come from a rich enough background to have actually heard of Orwell.
Repent while you've still got time!
