It's Children in Need time again, the annual back-slapping event courtesy of the BBC designed to give overweight perverts free reign to dress up as babies and schoolgirls and walk the streets unashamed of their, more generally, hidden sexuality. How I loathe this so-called national institution. Every 'B' list celebrity comes out in force to show how caring and sharing they are. Bloody cock suckers! They all earn millions per annum anyway and Children in Need is nothing but a PR stunt for them. If they genuinely feel so concerned about the unfortunate kiddies then why don't they just use their influence and/or votes to get an increase in tax? Oh...but then they'd have to pay more on the millions they already own, wouldn't they? And that'd never do. Help the kiddies sure, but take a slight dip in revenue? Never!

What I really can't stand about Children in Need are the wankers who dress up like clowns or child molesters and shake buckets under my nose when I'm out trying to do my shopping. Listen up dickwads! If I want to give to charity I'll do it in my own time and in my own way, not under pressure from some drunken shit who's a member of the Round Table hassling me outside Iceland. You can take your buckets and your big jelly dummies and you can stuff them up your saggy old nappies as far as I'm concerned!

Here's my suggestion. Seeing as the BBC generally makes around £20 million a year on this venture, and seeing as an evening's 'entertainment' provided by the BBC costs roughly the same amount, why not just close the BBC down for the evening and donate the money saved to the charities instead? Better still, why not just close the BBC down altogether and abolish the licence fee? That way everyone'll be £120.00 a year better off and in a more reasonable position to donate money to worthy causes.

Having said that, I'll gladly hand over £5.00 if somebody shoots Terry Wogan through the neck live on air. It's for the kiddies you understand...

Breaking News: About one hour ago (five p.m. G.M.T.) Moira Hindley finally kicked the bucket. Looks like Children in Need has got off to a good start. Lord Longford has been reported as saying, "I suppose I'd better buy some jigsaws now then." Investigations into whether the doctor gave Hindley a friendly push in the right direction with a suspicious needle will not be undertaken because, quite frankly, in this instance nobody gives a shit.