I'm still in me cellar. I've jammed me chamber pot on me 'ead for protection and I've fastened me kitchen knife t' the end of a broom 'andle. So any Paqi what comes sniffin' round 'ere tryin' t' get 'is 'ands in me drawers 'ull find out what it's like t' be a loaf of Hovis!
I've bin watchin' this war on me gramaphone an' it's turnin' out t' be a right dirty affair. The language is filthy! It's these sand wogs what are t' blame! There's shi'ites in ba'ath-tubs in a town called Bahstard and another town called Faghag, 'scuse my Twatenese. There's skud marks all over Quim Cattah an' even their leader's called Madame Sadism. That's one o' those oriental whip bitches that is! One of those women what tie men up by their vestibules an' whack 'em with 'orse croppers. And they bugger sheep, an' all, an' give 'em humanitarian AIDs, 'scuse my Bangkok!
Our Brian reckons I've got it wrong. I was talkin' to 'im through the grating ont' the street the other day an' 'ee says t' me, "That's just insinuendos, Grandma. You've got y'r radiogram stuck between the war coverage an' the Archers!"
'Ee doesn't know nowt, that 'un! I told 'im t' get me 'alf a pound o' fish an' some heffalump ointment for me delicate problem from the green grocers. An' I told 'im t' keep 'is nose out of things what don't concern 'im an' all! Bloomin' youth! I'm an 'undred an' thirty-seventy y' know? An' I didn't survive this long without knowin' that the only good wog is a white one!
This one's for Mr Cooper. The original letter was doing the rounds of the administration offices in the MoD. It didn't scan very well when I tried it, so I've copied it out by hand for your viewing pleasure:
Notification of Compulsory Enlistement
Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the Iraq Conflict.
You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will either join the Third Battalion, The Queen's Own Suicide Conscripts or the Second Foot and Mouth.
Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of its liners, because of what it claims was due to the deplorable state in which they were returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. HM Government has been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one-way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer.
Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:
* Combat Jacket
* Trousers (preferably khaki - but please no denim)
* Tin helmet
* Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
* Gas mask
* Map of the combat zone (the ordnance survey 1:2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Iraq will do)
* Rifle
* Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
* Suntan oil
If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank. (Vickers Defence of Banbury is currently offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X Registration Cheiftans, but hurry, as the offer is only available whilst stocks last.)
We would like to reassure you that, in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows Pension of GBP1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.
There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:
* The Guns of Navarone
* Kelly's Heroes
* A Bridge Too Far
* The Longest Day
* Apocalypse Now
* The Matrix
* Blazing Saddles
* The Desert Song
* Mary Poppins
We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.
To prepare yourself mentally for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brooke. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.
Yours faithfully,
Geoffrey Hoon, Secretary of State for Defence.
A Bush - Blair Production
Sponsored by Mars, Pepsi and McDonalds. The Official Snacks of World War III
With thousands of troops crossing the Iraqi border and heading for Baghdad, Colon Powell has issued Syria a stern warning: "Either keep out of the war or face the consequences." Far be it from me to point out the seriousness of the situation, but if Syria gets dragged into this conflict it's only a short hop, skip and a jump before World War III (This Time it's Personal) breaks out big time. Muslims Vs Christians...all of them self-righteous, zealous, murdering bastards. Nuke 'em High in the name of Allah/Jesus/Democracy/Islam/Bush/Blair/Saddam/Fucked-Up Knobheads. Please place your heads between your knees and kiss your arseholes goodnight.
Any gung-ho pro-war supporters out there starting to have serious doubts about this lot yet?
