Was Saddam the Man Behind McVeigh?

Follow the link if you like unreadable "journalism", but the headline is enough to give you the drift.

There is enough anecdotal evidence to warrant a serious re-examination of the Warren Report to find out just how much dirty Saddam money ended up in the pockets of Lee Harvey Griswald.

It is widely known that John Wilkes Booth had taken a holiday in Iraq less than a month before his killer performance at Ford's Theater.

Chauffeur Henri Paul was seen knocking back "Saddam Wallbangers" like there was no tomorrow in the hours before the crash that killed Diana.

I personally believe that there are enough clues in the Bard's subtext to indicate that Brutus was certainly not acting alone when he shivved Julius.

Tom Ridge, we want answers!

Peter Mandelson (or Tom Ridge as he's known by his American alter-ego) is signed in as head of the new Homeland Security (or the Ministry of Truth as it's known by its Orwellian alter-ego.)

Tom Ridge has become the new dick head of American Homeland Security (in association with Texas Homeland Stores) and is raring to rise to the challenges ahead. In an exclusive interview with Rant of the Week reporter Gavin Nonofvich, Ridge stated, "It's simply a case of selective management. We select individuals, such as pinko commie bastards, abortion loving none-Christian layabouts, pot smoking lefties, gay liberal wishy washy pacifists, black minorities, basically anybody we don't like the look of, and we manage them off the face of the earth."

When asked if any human rights would be affected Ridge replied, "Not at all. These bastards aren't human. Especially the Muslims. As far as we're concerned they don't have any rights to start off with. The only things that'll be affected will be the continued growth of the corporate sector which should soon spiral out of all recognition when the Jews are safely managed into freight trains and specially designed vacation camps."

Dropped in at the deep end Ridge already faces his first major crisis...defending America from the threat of the starving peasants in Iraq. "The president is correct," said Ridge. "Those turban wearing bastards look really evil. Imagine what would happen if they managed to get hold of a three-hundred and fifty-foot disintegrater gun! There'd be chaos. We don't care if the weapons inspectors don't find anything. We need to teach these foreigners a good lesson. We're equipping our troops with lynching ropes and white hoods as we speak."

I have just been watching Mark Commode's review on Channel 4 of Ken Russell's film "The Devils". The programme explained how Commode has helped in the restoration of previously missing scenes from the film and his ten year search for the 'Knob and Balls of Christ' footage that turned up in an Anglican bishop's attic. Apparently these scenes should never have been removed in the first place as they were clearly intended to contrast the political manipulation of the nuns in the story to ever more blasphemous and sexual deviation against the juxtaposed cut-away scenes of the cardinal's increasing virtuosity...and Commode called in some American (why are they always American?) Chief Catholic Priest bloke to substantiate this argument.

The film is, as I type, being shown in its entirity, the 'Rape of Christ' scenes (bushy fannies and the Jesus face squatting sequence etc) back where it belongs.

"This is a work of cinematic magnificence," said one of Russell's friends during the review, building himself up to an orgasmic climax. "Stunning visuals choreographed with incredible music that chew the viewer up and spit them back out again."

Bollocks!

This is one of Channel 4's perenial 'art' films with an extra few minutes of naked nuns included this time around. Not that I'm complaining. I happen to enjoy young naked nuns cavorting with each other...not that you get a lot of them around Fleetwood...it's a bit chilly at this time of year I suspect. But like all of Russell's movies this one continues the trend of taking a basic story and turning it into a cheesy pantomime. It's excessive, it's mainly boring (except for the naked nuns bit) and it falls nicely into the Channel 4 category of 'Artistic merit" working in the full knowledge that the sex scenes aren't quite long enough for a proper wank...unless you record them and keep the remote handy of course.

Calling 'The Devils' a work of genius is like calling the Carry On Films works of classic comedy. Yes...the nun's tits are fun. But let's keep this in context eh?

Next week I shall be reviewing Debbie Does Dallas, an interesting film in the 'exploitation' genre that attempts to subvert the misogny of 70's America through its visual impact. A box of tissues recommended.

It's good t' see that Winston Church'ill ended up bein' voted Greatest Briton of all time ever. I must admit though I 'ad t' do a lot of telephonin' the BBC and castin' votes to ensure 'is victory. But Winnie wouldn't 'ave done no less for us. And it's quite right that 'ee won too! 'Ee did more for keepin' the pakis and nig nogs at bay than anyone else in the 'ole of 'istory. And 'ee was a gentleman! 'Ee might 'ave looked like an old turnip dipped in sour-crout but 'ee always let y' get your drawers off proper before givin' you a stiff one round the back o' the bike sheds! Or was that somebody else I'm thinkin' of?

Whatever, times was different back in Winnie's day. There was none of these queers roamin' the streets in their leather jockstraps back then. And people knew their place! Down in the gutter mainly with all the other turds, 'scuse my Arabic. Winnie was a lord y' know? Not one o' these uppity, by your leave working class bastards, 'scuse my Portugese, wot was getting above 'is station. And by gum 'ee knew 'ow t' fight. And 'ee smoked 'is cigars! 'Ee didn't stuff 'em up Lady Astor's fanny or nothing like wot polticians do these days with their plastic bags and tangerines and cottagin' and wot not. Filthy buggers, 'scuse my Yorkshire, the lot of 'em!

Mind you, it was a pity that that nice Princess Diana wot died after savin' the world for the Sambos didn't win. She was angel she was. The most beautiful woman in the universe ever and so kind and considerate. The world's been full of misery since she went. Back in 'er time there wasn't no poverty or terrorism and you could leave your front door open and a ladder up to the bedroom window and no-one would bother you. And dogs didn't crap on the pavements neither, 'scuse my Latin. And Derek 'Atton, the evil bastard 'scuse my Hindu, wasn't even born which was a good thing. She'd 'ave put a stop to this bloomin' fireman's strike if she was alive so 'elp 'er God. She was like that. All very considerate and carin' and clever. Not like these fuckers in the Royal Family these days 'oo all stink of dog shit an' shag camels, 'scuse my Sudanese. I'm an 'undred and six y' know and my colostomy needs attendin'.

Everyone knows the lovely orange pussycat. And someone would like to kill it.
The garfield project: die, garfield, die.

Editor's note: He's not the only one who would rather see Garfield dead...

Deputy Editor notes disturbing evidence of a Faustian contract.

Click to see what G******d is doing over Xmas, and why the Editor
hocked his immoral soul to get a slice of the Surprise Show action.

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The news delivery boy's note: stop this cat, before it overruns the world.

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EDITOR'S NOTE: POSITION OF DEPUTY EDITOR AT THIS BLOGGER BOARD SOON TO BE VACANT! ANYBODY WHO FANCIES A GO PLEASE CONTACT ME AT THE USUAL ADDRESS WITH THE SUBJECT LINE: "I THINK TERRY SEDGWICK DESERVED THE SACK BECAUSE..."

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Could applicants for the position of Deputy Editor please send their resumes as expeditiously as possible. The former Deputy Editor commenced his new position last Wednesday as Deputy to the Director of Customer Relations at the Lancashire Virtual Office of British Gas, Mr. Ken Russell. Before the Editor attempts to change the security settings on this blog denying me my inalienable, indivisible and indisputable posting rights, might I advise him that in my new role I have been afforded unlimited discretionary powers by Mr. Russell in regards to the functionality (or otherwise, if one chooses to catch my drift) of meter No. 314-438/21a.

As a wily statesman once said (I think it was Bruce Talleyrand) ... "A meter is a long time in office politics" or as our wonderfully talented Director/God Mr. Russell is oft wont to say in his inimitably succinct manner, "Better The Devils you know and love as wonderful cinema than the ones with whom you ought sup with a long spoon which never did run away with the dish full of nuns so blind as those who will not see the forest for the trees who always listen to me, but if there's no one there, they themselves make no noise. The lion will lie down with silence of the lamb."

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Editor's note: Would the deputy editor please take note that his demands are unreasonable and would cause grievous harm to the public sector of this blog if met? Holding my meter to ransome in this disgraceful manner is senseless and immature, putting the shelf life of my gas fire (and numerous others) at considerable risk. At present the British Army is coping with the pressure of Gas Meter Fittings, but would be better suited to serving the public in their true capacity of killing Iraqi peasants. If the deputy editor is serious about negotiations then he should join us at the negotiating table instead of using these dangerous and pre-Thatcherite tactics.

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"Join you at the negotiating table?" Ha! Fat chance! As Allende said to Pinochet ... "Over my dead body!!"
(Or was that what the Bishop said to the actress playing a choirboy?)

Wanna have sum fun? Try out this site - it's slow but worth the effort. Enjoy!

The Continuing Story of the Great British Gas Monster...

The financial tale so far:

Last week...meter buggers up swallowing £1.00 worth of credit and resetting to nought. Total so far...£1.00 down.

Same day...£3.00 paid to fill card and, subsequently, meter. Card fails. Total so far...£4.00 down.

Still the same day following lengthy discussion with British Gas...bloke arrives to fit new meter. Gives me £4.00 emergency credit. Total so far...evens.

Next day...£3.00 on new card. Meter eats £1.90. Total so far...£1.90 down presumed dead.

Following day...another £3.00 on card. Meter eats another £1.90 withour explanation. British Gas refuse to answer the phone yet again. Total so far...£2.80 down.

Today....£5.00 on card. Meter eats £2.69 (for a debt we don't actually owe) plus another £1.00 for reasons as yet unexplained. British Gas continue to ignore calls for assistance. Total so far...£5.49 down. Meter reading tells us we're still on emergency credit meaning that we're another £2.50 down. Total so far...just under £8.00 down.

Might not seem a lot but when you're down to your last ten quid for the month and it's a toss up between being warm or having food and the bastards at British Gas couldn't give enough of a shit to offer an explanation or even answer the phone it starts to annoy.

A lot!

I pity the poor bitch at British Gas who picks up the phone at 8.30 a.m. tomorrow morning. I shall be stumbling out of bed with my usual grumpy, bitterness and without any cereal inside me due to the fact that £8.00 has vanished into the meter without any trace so I can't afford to buy any breakfast. And believe me, my shouts are going to drown out my rumbling stomach no matter how hard it tries.

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT....BRITISH GAS ARE SHIT! CHECK YOUR METERS, FOLKS! TOGETHER WE CAN BRING THESE BASTARDS DOWN ONCE AND FOR ALL AND STOP THEIR THIEVING, LOATHSOME, LYING ACTIONS. BUT BEFORE YOU GIVE THEM A RING...LET ME GET THROUGH FIRST.