Errrr ... um ...

PLANNING YOUR HOLIDAY?

Bored with the smell of garlic in France? Fed up with the concrete hotels in Costa del Packet? Still not forgiven the Germans for what they did in the War?

Then why not visit...

CAMP DELTA

...the luxury U.S. detention center in gloriously sunny downtown Afghanistan!

Yes...Camp Delta is so easy to reach. Just make sure that you're in the wrong place at the wrong time and you'll be detained at George Bush's leisure for the rest of your life...or until the War on Terrorism ends...which is much the same thing.

Watch those excess pounds of flab just fall away with our fabulous lack of cuisine and our unique torture regime.

Witness the Geneva Convention being torn apart before your eyes.

Get yourself a tan that'll be the envy of your long lost friends from the comfort of your spacious five foot by three foot mesh holding pen.

It's so relaxing here, so far from the hectic bustle of normal civilisation! No lawyers to annoy you! No human rights campaigners to steal the deckchairs! And best of all, once you've arrived you'll never, ever leave!

So make sure that you choose CAMP DELTA for the holiday of a lifetime!

As recommended by Donald Rumsfeld for anyone with brown skin.

Simpsons upsets Hungary.

"Mr Kaltenbach acted after receiving a complaint from a Hungarian citizen after the episode was shown in the country."
STORY.

Fee Fi Fo Fum, I smell the blood of the thin skinned Petrenyi one! Come on Joe it's a cartoon! It's not real life like "The Bold and The Beautiful" ... it doesn't have real people like Ridge, Amber, Macy, Thorne, Deacon and Taylor.

The BBC, due to its unique 'license' funding, is not allowed to advertise and/or use product placement in its programmes. On the face of it this seems reasonable enough until you realise that an average half hour programme on the commercial channels lasts twenty-five minutes due to the inclusion of adverts, whereas the average half hour programme on the BBC lasts even less due to adverts for BBC videos, books, programmes, auto-biographies, Radio Times etc in the breaks. This is annoying in itself...but today I noticed that, sandwiched between the endless American cartoons on Children's ITV (and they wonder why kids are growing up thick these days), were even more adverts for BBC videos with the Christmas market in their sights. Where exactly do the BBC get off with this shit? That's our license money being spent on ITV adverts for such mindless crap as the Fimbles and Bob the Fucking Builder! I wouldn't mind so much if it the license wasn't obligatory! But to see our hard earned cash being frittered away on this sort of crud when the programmes the BBC actually produce are so dire is very frustrating!

On the upside, British Gas have finally made some attempts at restoration. The £49.00 mis-debt appears to have vanished from my meter and the amount on my Gas card swelled this afternoon by an extra £4.00. I have sat and calculated the whys and wherefors of all this and realised that I'm still at least five pounds worse off. But, ever the benefactor, I have decided to let British Gas keep it. They're going to need it a lot more than I will by the time I've finished posting my warnings against their theiving, ignorant behaviour all across the internet. In case you've missed it so far: BRITISH GAS ARE SHIT! THEY WILL LIE, SCHEME AND BULLSHIT THEIR WAY INTO YOUR HOMES AND THEN TAKE YOU FOR EVERY PENNY! STICK WITH WHATEVER UTILITY YOU CURRENTLY USE, FOLKS...UNLESS IT'S BRITISH GAS IN WHICH CASE GET RID OF THEM QUICK!

Other news...and Anne Diamond, much to my regret, was booted out of the Celebrity B List House last night. Well...when I say 'booted out', it took three fork lift trucks and a work crew not seen since the building of the pyramids to set her free.

Meanwhile several deadly black widow spiders have turned up in bunches of grapes bought from Tesco. Apparently the spiders were introduced to keep down other pests, but lacksadaisical quality control has failed to filter them out of the finished parcels. In a statement Thomas Ringpiece Sr (Head of Tesco Thornton-Cleveley's Branch) said, "Thank God they weren't bits of glass otherwise we'd have had to take the product off the shelves. As it is we can keep on selling them in the certain knowledge that at some point in the near future one of our customers will die. We've got plenty more customers though and some of them are quite old anyway."

And in the Commons today, Gordon Brown admitted in his pre-budget speech that the government would have to borrow an extra 9 billion pounds on top of the predicted 12 billion (makes my paltry fiver seem insignificant somehow doesn't it?) to get through next year. Most of this will be spent on pies and chips for John Prescott. Predictably the Shadow Chancellor, whose name eludes me for the moment being the instantly forgettable little Tory shit that he is, ridiculed Brown's handling of public finances. In a statement he said, "Gordon Brown, big fat trout! Couldn't work the budget out! What a silly man is Gordon Brown! We'll have to pull his undies down!"

And finally, the fireman's strike continues...John Prescott's offer of "a realistic one-and-a-half per cent so long as the fire brigade send him one of their calendars for Christmas", being rejected by Guy Andy Gilchrist as facitious. As yet the government's forty-per cent annual pay rise (it's easy to rearrange public coffers despite massive borrowing when you're voting for your own pay increase it seems) has gone unmentioned by the television news.

Unconventional Weapon to be Used on Saddam

Tony Bleugghh today unveiled his latest secret weapon in the War Against Terrorism and Iraq. Killer granny, Mary “Death on a Zimmer Frame” Urry, is famous for putting her enemies into therapy with a mere squint of her rheumy little eyes.
“Forget those useless old bags, Hughes and Farcus! I’ll have that rag-headed wog dictator, you mark my words,” she wheezed around her ill fitting dentures. “When I've finished with him he’ll stink of Vick and soiled incontinence pads for months.”
Mary declined to comment on exactly how she intended to solve the problem of Saddam but she hasn’t ruled out calling him nasty names, pelting him with Fisherman’s Friends and gurning through his palace windows at night.

France Most Amorous Nation In The World.

The most lovestruck are the French who have sex 167 times a year, followed by the Dutch, (158) , the Danes (152) and Canadians (150). Americans are more reserved than the British (149) when it comes to sex, with the average adult claiming to make love 138 times a year, followed by New Zealanders (135) and the Spanish (121).

Just under three-quarters of Britons fantasise about having sex with a celebrity, with Brad Pitt topping the list for women at 33% and Kylie Minogue the number one celebrity for men with 18% of the votes.
MORE.

"the French who have sex 167 times a year" Well that keeps the male frog fully occupied for about 3 hours each year.

Must cast the shadow of doubt over the reliability of this survey. "The Global Sex Survey was compiled by using questionnaire answers from 50,000 people - 3,500 in the UK - through its websites worldwide." Surveying people on the Net. We know what lots of people look at on the Net, and I note that nowhere in the article is there mention of whether a partner was present during this sexual activity.

So, some gay people think the term “homosexual” is offensive, out dated and therefore no longer politically correct enough for them. Instead they prefer the term “orientation towards people of the same sex”.
Well, it’s a bit of a mouthful but a queer by any other name I suppose so here’s a few unPC counterbalances I made up earlier.
For the girls: cherry picker, bud buster, snatch snogger, tuning the tuna.
For the boys: gerbil jiggler, riding the tube, shit shunter, Percy Reversi.

What next I wonder? Should we replace the word “terrorist” with the term “impending and forceful orientation towards people who refuse to capitulate immediately and who do not share our religious and social beliefs”? Not as incisive as “murdering bastard” in anyone’s language.

Two-faced Tone should remember that, come the next election, there won’t be enough thought police and politically motivated gays around to save his scaly arse! And even if he does like dressing up in a bright blue twin set and pearls and going around “handbagging” unions, stamping his feet crossly at the French and Germans and making war on Iraq with his bum-buddy, Bush (You mean bosom pal don’t you? Ed.), Thatch (the bitch demon from Hell) will always be renowned for having the bigger pair of balls.

Note: Unc B, this is an anti-PC rant, not anti-gay!!!