Ten Super Handy Hints on How to Spot and Deal With a Deadly Terrorist Attack.
2) Terrorists build large marble temples on old warehouse sites in Bradford, in honour of their pretend gods. Their idols are shaped like elephants with the squitters or bananas that have six arms. They take their shoes off when crossing the road in honour of Krishna bin Pachyderm, the goddess of curry powder.
3) Terrorists are generally brown in colour and wear surgical bandages round their heads. They hang around in groups on street corners and wear big bushy beards that conceal hand-grenades. They wipe their bottoms with their right hands and wipe their dicks on other people's curtains. Most of them speak with a Sangatte accent.
4) Terrorists never buy the Daily Mail. Anyone seen buying the Islamic Fundamentalist Times or the Independent is probably either a terrorist or gay.
5) Terrorists smell of Cod Liver Oil. Apart from the Irish ones who just smell.
6) Don't trust anyone who tries to land on a British beach in a small, half-sunk boat, especially if they're foreign. Carry a pointed stick at all times when walking the dog along the coast. Remember, a dead terrorist is better than no terrorist at all!
7) Terrorists carry minute amounts of ricin with them concealed in tiger skin pouches inserted up their bum holes. These can only be detected through a microscope after an extensive cavity search. Remember to take your surgical gloves with you when you visit the local Indian Restaurant just in case anyone suspicious needs checking out. As well as deadly poisons, terrorists also carry nicotine-tipped umbrellas with which they repeatedly stab their victims until they die of cancer. They have also been known to hide sub-machine guns down their 'Y' fronts and have brown teeth.
8) Terrorists are well known paediatricians. They don't have the same morals and ethics as normal British citizens and practice foul medical deeds on children often as young as none. Sometimes they even pummice their feet.
9) Terrorists fly aircraft and kites into buildings. Should you spot a bearded refugee hanging beneath a handglider this is probably one of their scouts. Be sure to contact the local RAF base. They'll come round as soon as possible to blow the bastard from the sky. Expect delays during foggy conditions.
10) Always try to kill terrorists on sight! These days, following changes in the law, you are allowed to 'claim a life so long as the slightest suspicion of terrorist activity is involved'. If you can't lay your hands on a gun (for example if you're not a farmer or a member of a street gang in Birmingham) then make sure that you're carrying a big machete at all times, and aim for the jugular.
"Of course you realise this is why we have to bomb Iraq?" he went on with fierce determination now, to a shocked audience of sleeping back-benchers. "I told you so, didn't I? Well...I did tell you! You nicompoops!"
Oddly enough the police constable was killed by a knife wound to the chest, not a speck of ricin in sight...unless of course it was attached to the knife's tip at the time, which...to be honest about this...would have been the only way of it being effective. Not that it would have mattered because the knife finished the job anyway, but there you go. Time to get all panicky and frightened again folks 'cos there are terrorists out there (you can easily spot them on account of their being brown or black) with rusty spud peelers at the ready.
To add to the terrorist alarm it appears that in Texas a number of bubonic plague samples have been stolen from a laboratory. Or...and this is only a theory of course...possibly sold by the money-loving capitalists producing the stuff in the first place. This wouldn't be the first time. The British War Plans that Churchill handed over to the U.S. Government as part of a contract for them to supply our soldiers with extra food during the Second World War were subsequently sold to the nazis and nearly cost Britain its sovereignty. Good to see that traditions are being kept up.
What's the reckoning that several bubonic plague samples turn up somewhere in Iraq within the month thus vindicating Dubbya's war-mongering bullshit?
It's great to see that the English Cricket Squad have as much understanding of foreign affairs as they do of winning test matches. To witness Nassar Hussein warble and rant about his younger players not having the time (or the inclination) to learn about Mugabe was risible. Poor, overworked things...all they ever think about is cricket, cricket and more cricket...it's about time they stopped thinking about it and learned to play it then. Then to see Nassar blaming the ECB for not making up the minds of those beneath them concerning the sticky-wicket of Zimbabwe's human-rights record was, frankly, ridiculous. Presumably Nassar hadn't read the 'W. C. Grace Book of Cricket Hierarchy' as he hadn't noticed that the rest of the squad fell beneath his own jurisdiction as well.
Incidentally, John Howard, speaking on behalf of the Australian Cricket Bastards...er...sorry...Board...said that they would only go to Zimbabwe if everyone else were going. Stunted, shilly-shallying twat. Off with his googlies, that's what I say...if he's got any.
And so the farce grows...as it does with every cricket season. And what it all boils down to is money and/or points. Without the match, political assertions aside, the English Cricket Board would almost go bankrupt. (What...no more tea and scones and cucumber sandwiches in the long room?) And, seeing as the rest of the cricketing nations have all decided to pull out of the Zimbabwe trip, this should be an ideal opportunity for England to finally notch up a couple of hard-earned points. Let's face it...we're going to need them.
The greatest, most purple, most throbbing hypocrisy of all though, is that the British Government is making such a big deal out of this, accusing the ECB of being irresponsible. Why hypocritical? Well, because the government refuses to do anything about the situation itself. No sanctions have been imposed on Zimbabwe. No steps have been taken towards 'A regime change' (not enough oil wells obviously). Absolutely bugger all has been done either militarily or diplomatically, apart from various M.P.s jeering at a group of sportsmen who are hoping that, due to their opponents starving, they might stand a chance at winning for once. Not much of a chance, it must be said, but with a bit of luck even Zimbabwe might forfeit the game on moral issues.
