Ten Super Handy Hints on How to Spot and Deal With a Deadly Terrorist Attack.
1) Remain "Armed but not Erect" at all times and remember that terrorists always use coupons in newsagents. Some of them smell like garlic because of their filthy French digestive systems. Very often they wear brown sandals (without any socks, which is very un-British) and they eat small puppies as part of a calorie-controlled diet.
2) Terrorists build large marble temples on old warehouse sites in Bradford, in honour of their pretend gods. Their idols are shaped like elephants with the squitters or bananas that have six arms. They take their shoes off when crossing the road in honour of Krishna bin Pachyderm, the goddess of curry powder.
3) Terrorists are generally brown in colour and wear surgical bandages round their heads. They hang around in groups on street corners and wear big bushy beards that conceal hand-grenades. They wipe their bottoms with their right hands and wipe their dicks on other people's curtains. Most of them speak with a Sangatte accent.
4) Terrorists never buy the Daily Mail. Anyone seen buying the Islamic Fundamentalist Times or the Independent is probably either a terrorist or gay.
5) Terrorists smell of Cod Liver Oil. Apart from the Irish ones who just smell.
6) Don't trust anyone who tries to land on a British beach in a small, half-sunk boat, especially if they're foreign. Carry a pointed stick at all times when walking the dog along the coast. Remember, a dead terrorist is better than no terrorist at all!
7) Terrorists carry minute amounts of ricin with them concealed in tiger skin pouches inserted up their bum holes. These can only be detected through a microscope after an extensive cavity search. Remember to take your surgical gloves with you when you visit the local Indian Restaurant just in case anyone suspicious needs checking out. As well as deadly poisons, terrorists also carry nicotine-tipped umbrellas with which they repeatedly stab their victims until they die of cancer. They have also been known to hide sub-machine guns down their 'Y' fronts and have brown teeth.
8) Terrorists are well known paediatricians. They don't have the same morals and ethics as normal British citizens and practice foul medical deeds on children often as young as none. Sometimes they even pummice their feet.
9) Terrorists fly aircraft and kites into buildings. Should you spot a bearded refugee hanging beneath a handglider this is probably one of their scouts. Be sure to contact the local RAF base. They'll come round as soon as possible to blow the bastard from the sky. Expect delays during foggy conditions.
10) Always try to kill terrorists on sight! These days, following changes in the law, you are allowed to 'claim a life so long as the slightest suspicion of terrorist activity is involved'. If you can't lay your hands on a gun (for example if you're not a farmer or a member of a street gang in Birmingham) then make sure that you're carrying a big machete at all times, and aim for the jugular.
