I've bin 'avin' trouble passing stools lately. Some squirrel got into me kitchen an' knocked a big pile of 'em off the table so's now I can't get passed. Naturally I dialled 999 an' explained the situation. They told me I was wastin' their valuable time an' cloggin' the phone lines up f'r proper emergencies. 'Ow bloody ignorant ('scuse my Grammar)! What's the world comin' to w'en the local bobbies 'aven't got the time o' day f'r an 'undred and three year old, I ask y'? Time was, w'en my 'Enry was alive (God rest his slippers), that our kitchen 'ud smoulder t' the merry chatter o' brave boys in blue. Sometimes we'd even 'ave the Policeman's choir round 'ere, toastin' their toes over the kettle an' singin' wartime melodies. Nowadays they're all too bloomin' busy ('scuse my Scrotum) teachin' Paki kids not t' smoke Tijuana nor eat dogs w'at are people's pets nor steal our wallets 'cos they're all lazy nig-nogs scrounging our 'ard earned taxes and squanderin' them on curry an'...TRANSMISSION BREAK!

The Editorial Staff at 'The Rant of the Week' would like to apologise for the extreme nature of the previous posting. Great Grandma Hughes has been removed from the keyboard and her posting replaced by the following review, as requested by Setev Langlile and his fat wife Robillina...

The Holy Bible.

Various Authors. Humorous Fantasy/Science-Fiction.

Reviewed by Molly Sugden.

When I was asked by the editors of this board to review 'The Bible' I naturally jumped at the chance. The fourth best selling book in the world (if you don't count The Greyminster Chronicles , this work has influenced generations of people...not to mention my pussy. With eager thumbs and sweating palms I ripped apart the covers and began to devour the prologue hungrily. Imagine, then, my disappointment when, after only a few pages, I discovered the book to be atrociously written, long-winded, implausible and lacking in imagination. Not only that but the publishers, for reasons best left to themselves, had numbered every line and every sentence -- a novelty I found most distracting and completely unnecessary.

As the book progressed I soon realised that this wasn't one story at all but a collection of unrelated, although equally as bland, anecdotes, none of which had a proper punchline. The characters were unbelievable (some of them living to over 300 years old), the research was appalling and the pathetic manner in which some mystical deity continually intervened at the most convenient of moments was most contrived. This was obviously just a plot device to get the talentless authors out of a tight hole...and I am unanimous in that.

The book lacked cohesion, contradicting itself both philosophically and politically throughout. Some of the scenes were obviously added for pure sensationalism...all that begetting and temple bursting and extreme violence making it completely unsuitable for younger readers. There was an overall lack of description and the characters were basic. As for the plotlines, they virtually didn't exist.

Book two was even worse. It was just the same story told over and over again, ending with a surreal tale about some snakes in fiery pit which would have made H. P. Lovecraft turn in his grave and made my pussy's hairs stand on end.

To sum up then...definitely not as good as Kenneth Brannagh's 'Hamlet' and far too much of the 'Good against Evil' rubbish on the whole. Might be a bit confusing for Douglas Adams fans from Dublin.

1 out of 6 because the absorbent pages came in handy for my pussy to piddle on.

Next week: T.V. Chef Ainsley Harriot reviews 'The Koran' by Muhammad.