Last night I watched 'Fish and Elephant' (or at least part of it before I fell asleep on the sofa) on Channel 4. According to the pre-film blurb it was the first ever 'Chinese lesbian film' and contained 'bad language and nudity' from the outset.

To be blunt, it was crap. Not a patch on "Chelsea Dyke Orgy 3: The Pensioners Lick Back"! I'm not sure if 'bad subtitles' constitute 'bad language' but during the miserable one hour and ten minutes that I suffered of this ill-directed, plotless dung-ball of a movie I didn't see one nipple (apart from the actor playing the sushi chef), one flash of mott or even a pair of little yellow Chinese buttocks! Come on Channel 4! Between this and Kenneth Banana you're rapidly losing your grip on cutting edge t.v.

What happened to all those 'experimental films' you used to produce that generally consisted of some Dutch bird lying naked on her bed with a very large cucumber? What's become of your modern dance series with its nubile bints throwing themselves around an empty studio in the nuddy? Or the red triangle films with their annoying subtitles interfering with the beaver shots? This just isn't on!

What's the point in showing cheaply made foreign films if they don't contain putang? You'll be going back to the bad old days next, when you used to hand half a million quid over to some insignificant African country, get them to make a film about the most boring people on Earth and their trivial mud huts, and then introduce it as being "...the first ever film to be made in Nirowabi!" Hopefully it was the last as well!

Get your act into gear Channel 4, otherwise I'm off to Channel 5 where at least I'm guaranteed Tony Blair's father-in-law getting his leg over Linda Bellingham while cupboard doors pop open around them and the washing machine bounces up and down humorously.