President Bush proclaimed this Sunday National Sanctity of Human Life Day, urging Americans to mark the occasion at home or in places of worship, to help others in need and to "reaffirm our commitment to respecting the life and dignity of every human being."

Innocent Iraqis obviously do not fit the definition of "every human being". Dubbya presumably prefers to define them as "unfortunate collateral damage". I would define the Commando in Chief as a mealy mouthed unctuous hypocrite.

I'm sorry about that, but my forgiving nature sometimes gets the better of me.

Mind you not that Mr. Http://www.wasteofhtml.com/archives/nov02/webcomics.html will be the beneficiary of it. How dare he bag our Brian! That's our job, and we do it SO much better! Dammit all, didn't we have him in tears for a whole month when we criticised him for coloring over the lines? And Brian, you're NOT going to get your teal coloring pencil back until you stop blubbing! Come on, wipe your nose, chin up and be our brave little soldier.

Look at me while I'm talking to you Brian!

Editor's note (despite it being written in 'blue' crayon): I'm sorry, what was that? I wasn't paying attention...I was too busy swatting up on the hilariously savage wit of the Waste-of-HTML boys. I could learn from these blokes, I really could. If only they'd give me a chance I might be able to get a little of my former self-respect back.

This Week, a review of Scrag Ends as posted at:

http://www.wasteofhtml.com/archives/nov02/webcomics.html

...God bless his little cotton socks...

Scrag Ends

Finally, a comic that is actually illustrated in a manner that it doesn't make my eyes want to strap on rocket packs and launch themselves out of their sockets. That's really the only nice comment I have about the most blatant Far Side rip-off in the history of the crapstravaganza that we call "art". The entire site is a collection of images, each one containing a picture and a one-liner that leaves you wondering if it's supposed to be funny or if the entire collection is just part of a massive inside joke in which the author is basking in the warmth of the fire on the inside while the rest of us stare longingly into the window like 18th century British street urchins. The scariest part of the whole ordeal is that the author has managed to post 17 archives of this and counting. Each archive holds 16 images. That's 272 images of purebred boredom that this guy has ejaculated upon the Internet. It's just too bad he didn't bring his tissue.

On second thought, I withdraw my original comment about this man's work not making my eyes launch from my skull. After looking at that, they promptly took flight and were last spotted on a suicide course with the sun.

Unfortunately the author of the above piece left his e-mail address at the foot of his page. If you'd like to write to him expressing your gratitude for his heartfelt opinions then, please, don't let me stop you. You can reach him by clicking on the link that I've kindly supplied. Make sure you take your tissue with you though...

According to the Daily Mail (that paragon of virtuosity and social ethics) following the closure and subsequent bulldozing of the Sangatte Refugee Camp in France, the Red Cross have established their own Refugee Camp on the exact same site. Previously Sangatte housed 50,000 refugees who were desperate to clamber into Britain. And who could blame them? If I lived in France I'd want to escape as well. The constant storm trooping of refugees through the Chunnel led the British Government to take decisive action and, in return for the camp's closure and demolition, took 12,000 none-Daily-Mail-readers from the Froggies' bosoms and into our own.

Naturally, this morning, the Daily Mail was outraged to report that the Red Cross had established another refugee camp on the still smouldering rubble of what was once Sangatte. Thousands, possibly millions, more refugees to flood our shores, steal our jobs, spend our benefits, rape our women, eat our children and poke their nasty brown fingers at our sheep.

As it turns out, the Daily Mail was talking bollocks.

The 'Refugees-on-wheels' Camp that their diligent reporters had actually witnessed was just a Red Cross Soup Kitchen making its usual tour of the homeless during the winter months.

This sort of shite and sensationalist drivel has become the norm for the Mail who, presumably, employed the same 'bullshit' tactics when it came to proclaiming that they'd be giving away £20,000.00 for the 'Not the Turner Prize'...going so far as giving out an e-mail address to send any figure illustrations to. Since sending them several examples and waiting patiently for my mortgage to suddenly vanish, I haven't heard a single word in response but my daily Spam levels have risen dramatically.

Long live the freedom of the tabloid press. The freedom to pursue innocent victims, to stir up trouble amongst ignorant council-estaters, to worship the Royals and, most of all, to invent and then publish total codswallop that isn't even remotely true in the cause of racism.

Tragedy Strikes Britain.

The newly appointed Palace spokesman, Sir Peter Foster told reporters that changes could be expected under the reign of King Charles Spaniel 111 and Queen Camilla von Saxe-Rottweiler 1.

Sir Peter went on to explain that their majesties have embraced the concept of democracy and intended to rule for all vegetables. King Charles had briefed him earlier in the day and had authorised him to release this short mission statement.

"The accession of myself, the new Queen, my pot plants and the compost bin to the throne signifies a new era. I like to think of it as the age of ratatouille. No vegetable will be more equal than his brother. A sprout is a sprout is a sprout, unless it is a pea. Apart from broad beans of course, which are another kettle of legumes. Plant them and they will come. The flowers that bloom in the spring tra la. I'm a little despot short and stout. Anyone for tennis?"

Pressed to explain what this meant, Sir Peter said that he would refer the matter to the King's chief advisors, Mairzy Doats, Dozy Doats and Liddle Lamzy Divey for a full translation.

Prime Minister Tony Iceberg-Lettuce stated that he looked forward to working with the new monarch, "I think we speak the same language."

The Prime Minister added, "The King has thrown his full support behind our military campaign to bring about regime change in France. The failure of Saddam Chirac to allow the United Nations Gastronomic Inspection Team lead by Lady Delia Smith, full and free access to french restaurants which we know to contain recipes of mass destruction has left us with no alternative. Lethal quantities of Creme Fraiche and Bernaise Sauce are known to be prepared in these facilities and their potential to destroy British cuisine is limitless.

We Britons don't want foreign muck on our plates no matter where it comes from! We shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight in the restaurants, we shall fight in the sushi bars, we shall fight in the bistrots and in the cafes, we shall fight in the Indian takeaways; we shall never serve Rendang.

I know there are some shillyshallying backsliders even within my own Government who can't see the Black Forest Gateau for the Tiramisus. Make no mistake, under the leadership of myself and our new monarch there will be peas in our life time and on our tables, not petits pois!"

Some of the competitors in this year's Men's
Women's Australian Open Tennis Tournament.

(The photos are NOT doctored. The bodies? Well, probably.)



The 2003 winner will receive the trophy from special guest Mr. Lou Ferrigno.


BTW, here is an old but good cartoon from Zanetti:

THE QUEEN IS DEAD!

In a bizarre twist of fate Queen Elizabeth the Second, head of the Sax Coburgh's and official ringleader of the British/German far-right supremacist party, has kicked the bucket. What began as a broken leg sustained through a minor accident before Christmas, as reported widely by newspapers yesterday, grew overnight into a Grand Death experience.

Prince Charles was at her bedside making a documentary about his difficult life at the time of the shuffling.

"It was very difficult," he told the eager camera crew. "Producing tears without motivation like that. Those actor chappies must be very skilful. The truth is, I barely knew the woman. The only time I ever spoke to her was when all the other cabbages had been harvested."

Seven French photographers were arrested and a roll of film believed to contain images of the Queen's evil soul departing through her rectum were confiscated by Uncle Blair and stashed in John Prescott's underpants.

"It whasn't an easy decision to make," confessed the Duke of Edinburgh at a mournful press conference of arse-licking toadies and politicians this morning. "Bat the poor old cow caddent walk properly so whe had ta shoot har through tha head."

Oh...hold on...wait a moment. That was what happened to Princess Diana, wasn't it?

My mistake, folks. Take the bunting down...the reign of evil isn't over yet.

"As a former Roman Catholic, I know what this bondage is all about." SOURCE.

Mr. Coffee, I assume by this that as a young lad most of your spare time was tied up in being a choirboy. Oh well, the bond to the Church is sometimes hard to throw off. (Especially if a double hitch step-over reef knot is employed.) Was Father O'Malley really into that stuff?!