According to the latest round of pro-Toni government spin (information garnered no doubt from the enigmatic handbag of criminal evidence that Uncle Toe has been carrying around with him all week) Saddam is within months of developing nuclear weapons...so long as he can obtain certain items from outside Iraq. (I'm assuming here that plutonium might be one of those missing elements.)

Government sources have also indicated that the tin-pot dictator (Saddam that is...not the quaffering chimp) is within three weeks of landing on the moon...if outside sources can provide him with a rocket...two days of achieving time-travel...if somebody from the future turns up in the next six hours with a time machine...and within forty-five minutes of swallowing the world...if St**** La****** can finish his dinner and get over to Iraq before supper.

Other news, and the Lancashire team faired well in the inter-counties black-pudding hurling championships, claiming second place only to Bradford. Team Captain Hughes put on a particularly fine culinary display but made a fatal error when he accidentally tossed one of his enormous bollocks into the ring. Huddersfield, in an unsporting display, were banned when it was discovered they'd been pumping their puddings with steroids. They have now been banished from Yorkshire altogether and are believed to be exporting plutonium to Iraq.