Some Culinary Tips for the Festive Season!
1) Shoppers: When buying food in for Christmas try to remember that the holidays only last for two days. There's little point in stockpiling for a nuclear winter. (That's not due until January.) Leave some bread and stuff on the shelves for the rest of us, you greedy fat bastards.
2) Fatties: Avoid adding an extra couple of inches to your waistline this year. Move to Afghanistan.
3) Parents: Make sure you fill your kids up with fizzy pop and turkey sandwiches and selection boxes on Christmas Day. That way, by ten o'clock in the morning, they should be vomiting nicely all over their new toys and clogging their Playstation's innards with sick.
4) Manufacturers: Don't put expensive gift items in your crackers. When relatives that you haven't seen all year turn up for dinner there's never anything to talk about. Those pointless bits of melted plastic, laughingly known as novelties, are a superb icebreaker. Especially when one of them flies out and lands in Uncle Gordon's pudding, causing him to choke.
5) Whilst we're on the subject...Cracker manufacturers: Please continue to employ cartooning genius Steve Gill-Elan to write the jokes for you. They're so clever and original and have become as much a part of Christmas Day as Stanley Baxter and/or the Krankies.
6) Turkeys: If you notice an open gate around this time of year, use what tiny brains you have and run for it. If you manage to reach Nuneaton, chances are the Daily Mirror will rescue you and keep you alive for at least the next six months. Your family will end up on their dinner plates mind, following the annual turkey holocaust, but at least you'll be well fed.
7) The Iceland store in Fleetwood: Please put back the crisp-stand. Not all of us want (or, due to gallbladder restrictions, can actually digest) thousands of fucking mince pies, Yuletide logs and bowls of nuts.
8) Mothers: Support feminism this Christmas and don't make dinner. There's no point in complaining about it if you're going to let the male members of your household walk all over you. It's your choice...nervous breakdown by Boxing Day or divorce by New Year! Take the sensible way out and dump the ignorant bastards!
Glad tidings we bring, to you and your ring,
We wish you a Merry Christmas and a bum-grape free year!
