The UN warned Iraq today that it has exactly one week to dismantle the missiles discovered by the weapons inspectors on its soil last week. These missiles had originally been thought 'justifiable' under UN resolution as their range was within 'defensive parameters'. Weapons inspectors, however, realised that the missiles were capable of travelling several miles further than allowed, hence the decision for their destruction.
This, unfortunately, has left Iraq in a bit of a sticky situation. The missiles are their last line of defence from any invading forces and, whilst dismantling them would leave them open to attack, not dismantling them would leave them in further breach of the UN and give the Americans, Brits and Aussies (along with several other bum-licking countries) "Just Cause" to go for their jugulars with nukes and bayonets. To make matters worse, George W. Bush has been stomping around for the last few months declaring, "Bollocks to the UN. We're going to war with Iraq whether they like it or not!" Bit of a no win situation, eh?
A postcard seller in downtown Baghdad today commented, "We would fully endorse President Bush's abdication. If he was to fuck off to neighbouring Canada we could avoid a war." Unfortunately for all concerned Bush has no idea where Canada is...so basically we're all screwed.
In the meantime, Tony bin Blair today visited the Pope in Rome. Whilst Tony is a dedicated Protestant himself, his wife and various members of his family, are Catholic. (Good job they didn't get married in Northern Ireland, eh?) In the Vatican, the ageing pontiff urged Blair not to go war with Iraq. Later the Pope was declared as "Not Working" properly.
"The thing is," span Tony. "The Pontiff is supposed to be the mouthpiece of God. And President Bush is God, but He's saying something completely different to the well-meaning but ultimately blasphemous Jean Paul Ringo II. Therefore the Pontiff will have to be returned to the garage for the duration of the Iraqi conflict for an overhaul." When questioned what his own relationship to the Honourable Burning Bush was, Uncle Tony replied, "The Pope is God's mouthpiece. I'm God's ringpiece. It all works out very well as a rule."
