Lancashire Welcomes Bill Clinton and his friends in the Labour Party with Free Laundry Services for the next month.

Yes...the Labour Party Conference is in town!

No, not Fleetwood...but Blackpool which is round the corner and up the coast by about twenty miles.

Unfortunately nobody seems to have told the Lancashire police this. They've been out and about round Fleetwood's quiet streets in force today, costing the local rate payers several million pounds of their pensions for the privilege. I'm curious...are the government surrounded by armed gunmen and snipers all the time in London, or are the old biddies who live in Lancashire the only threat to their well-being?

Michelle was greeted this morning by a police chopper (insert your own innuendo here) hovering menacingly above the garden whilst she was hanging out her smalls. Then, during my usual game of cribbage in the cafe, my brother and myself were treated to a fine display of strange yellow police wagons (about six or seven in all) creating a daisy chain around the lighthouse. Exactly what it was all about or what they were expecting the mainly retired population to do is beyond me, but the whole town (all 1/4 of a square mile of it from the market to the shelter on the promenade) has been reminiscent of Afghanistan for the last twelve hours...only with more seagulls of course.

The stupid thing is, everyone knows that Tony Spin Blair isn't even staying in the area. There are certain well-documented 'safe houses' in Lancashire, usually owned by aristocratic leeches with certain tendrils in the government pie. For example, Maggie Thatch managed to escape the Brighton bombing because she'd been staying at a friend's house forty-odd miles away when the hotel blew up placing Norman Tebbit's wife on the Disability Allowance Scheme for the rest of her life. The fact that Maggie didn't emerge for the cameras for forty minutes wasn't because she was straightening her hair, but because the hotel owners had to get to drive down to Brighton and then sneak her in via the half demolished back door.

In fact, for anyone interested, news on the grapevine claims that Uncle Tony is currently staying at a house in Bury. To be more precise numberMESSAGE INTERUPTED BY THE BOYS FROM THE HOMELAND SECURITY (previously known as the Ministry of Truth) MAKING THE RUN UP TO THE THIRD WORLD WAR A PLEASANT EXPERIENCE FOR EVERYONE!

Lancashire bobbies....ignoring the sharp increase in rent boy and prostitute activity when the Labour Party are in town and concentrating instead on threatening pensioners with sniper rifles.