Rules of Conduct for a more Pleasant Way of Life in Britain Today!
1) Women...don't breast feed babies in public places if you weigh over thirty stone and have bosoms that resemble cannon balls in blue and pink striped socks. Especially down Lord Street in Fleetwood at 4.30 on a Monday afternoon.
2) Bluebottles...use your loaf! If you can land on the television screen and obscure Jenifer Aniston's nose every time it's turned on, then why can't you find your way out of a six foot high door?
3) Parents...don't allow your children to piddle in the gutter. Especially at 4.35 pm. on Lord Street in Fleetwood on a Monday afternoon when some people are still recovering from the shock of a grotesque bladder-weevil of a woman with her left tit out.
4) Spammers...it's time you realised that if I added another four inches to my knob as you recommend, I'd poke out one of my eyeballs every time I became aroused. Kindly keep your member-enlargers to yourselves as, clearly, you need them more than I do.
5) Dog owners...when you take your pet to be spayed, please ask the vet to clip off their bollocks completely. Large, bald, pink testies dangling in front of my face when I'm trying to eat a butty in the churchyard on Lord Street at 4.50 p.m. on a Monday afternoon is not something that gives me pleasure regardless of what you might think.
6) The auto-cue writers for Channel 5 News...the phrase "Make sure you let us know where you're sending your e-mails from," is grammatically incorrect. In such an important position of communication you ought to know to better and your dangling prepositions are, quite frankly, bloody annoying.
7) Postmen...please do not stuff colourful bits of glossy paper advertising Asda through my letterbox. They are not proper letters and only go straight in the bin.
8) Kays catalogue...if I don't want to buy one of your over-priced, vile, little products but I do want to keep your catalogue under the broken leg of my chair, then that's my decision. Regardless of your crappy letters I will not be sending your catalogue back. You should have thought of the consequences before you sent me the damned thing in the first place. Now cut the whining and bog off you cheapskate b*stards.
9) Holiday makers and fellow grockles...when visiting Fleetwood do not make the assumption that everyone walking down the street is on holiday and wants to move at a leisurely/comatose pace. Also don't fill the pavements with your fat, swollen bodies forcing me to step into the road and narrowly miss getting killed by a tram at 5.10 p.m. on a Monday evening. I don't care if you're going home to Yorkshire never to return because of my outburst. If you wish to take me to court for assault and battery that's your perogative. But stop being arrogant, ignorant and fat.
Uncle Brian...sharing personal advice and caring for the quality of other people's lives.
