Some Friendly Advice for the Fat Bloke who works in Beaumorris Green Grocers, Fleetwood.

1) Keep a float. When people go to the hole-in-the-wall in the morning it hands out £10.00 notes, not loose change. You're a shop for crying out loud. I'd have thought that after being in the business for several hundred years, as you so proudly exclaim above your rotten front door, you'd realise this simple fact. There's no point in asking me, "Have you got anything less?" every time I hand over a tenner. No I haven't! That's how the Automatic Telling machines work you bulbous frog of a man!

2) Try serving your customers instead of yacking with your mates. That way you might build some customer loyalty and avoid getting on my tits when I've got better things to do than hang around the grocers for three hours listening to how Mrs Proops from number seven got her bunion caught in the mangle.

3) Order some stock for once. There's no point in repeating the phrase, 'You know, we had some satsumas in just the other week' over and over again for three months in a row if you're not going to actually buy any. It's a waste of my time having to walk down to your shop every day to see if you've bothered to order them. And it's a waste of your time having to pick up all the items off the floor that I've swept off your shelf in disgust.

4) Try smiling for once you ignorant b*stard. It doesn't hurt. I'm not asking you to say, "Have a nice day" in that ingratiating manner that American shopkeepers do. I'm not stupid and I don't enjoy being patronised. But a simple "Goodbye" or "Thank you" in response to my own solicitation would be nice.

5) Paper bags are extremely cheap. Try giving them away with your products. When I'm standing there desperately trying to keep thirteen substitute oranges, a bag of spuds, two cabbages and a lettuce in my arms without falling over a paper bag would be nice. If nothing else I could jam it over your pockmarked swollen cow's tit of a head and not have to suffer your repulsive face any longer.

6) Buy some toothpaste. That way your teeth won't rot so quickly and your breath won't smell like a brothel keeper's jockstrap on a midsummer's night.

Uncle Brian: Offering Simple Advice for Simple People.