CELEBRITY 'B'-LIST BIG BROTHER (Channel 4)

It's almost as entertaining educational as watching a dead man having his head sawn off.

Yes...the usual suspects are back. A small gang of desperate British ex-celebs still vibrating from the death knells of their careers back in the eighties. Les Dennis, half of Mel and Sue, Melinda (where have my tits gone) Messenger and a smattering of other un-noteworthy t.v. felons. Boring, mundane, moribund and remarkably similar to Des and Mel in the afternoon only with celebrities past their sell-by date sat on the toilet.

One question though...what the fuck has happened to Anne Diamond?

I really used to fancy her. Now she looks as though she's swallowed a bouncy castle. Poor fat old cow. I was surprised to hear Les Dennis asking Big Brother where the mattresses had gone...they didn't need any. Just drag Diamond into the middle of the bedroom floor. Problem solved.

I only hope that Diamond doesn't follow in the late, great Jade's footsteps and strip off. The Big Brother lounge will end up looking like the Spanish coast. Having said that, don't vote her off whatever you do. It's all for charity you know? And, let's face it, if ever there was a charity case it's seeing Anne Diamond's piggy little eyeballs staring sadly out of the pregnant blanchmange of her head.

I wonder where Nick is? Probably nearing her large intestine by now.

Anne back in happier times.

Anne being greeted by Les Dennis, Goldie and some twat out of West Life in the Big Brother House.