Dear Mr. Sedgwick,
It is with regret that we have to inform you that Ms. Peggy Farcus, after a short recovery, has slipped back into her previous comatose state.
As you are aware Ms. Farcus had regained limited use of her communication faculties as a result of the laying on of hands by the Very Reverend Steven Gilallen. Ms. Farcus woke from the coma shouting "You take your grubby frigging hands off my naughty parts you dog collared little shit, I know what your game is you filthy prevert of the cloth. Don't think you're going spill your sermon on my mound. This here temple of beauty is not for the likes of you to enter and turn over me tables."
The Very Reverend was conveyed to the Intensive Care Unit in a serious but unstable condition. His P.A. Sister Robyn de Riche is maintaining a constant bedside vigil, tending his swollen groin with 40DD hot poultices.
Ms. Farcus' condition continued to improve in the following days. The return of her prodigious appetite saw her wolfing down bucket after bucket of tripe and onions.
Sadly her appetite was to be her undoing. A parcel arrived at the hospital from England, but unfortunately Nurse Lawson who vets deliveries upon arrival was apparently giving the new intern a hand in the broom cupboard. The parcel was taken directly to Ms. Farcus who despatched the contents to her digestive juices in a trice.
It is strict policy not to allow patients access to food which has not been prepared by the hospital kitchen. Our canteen staff are fully trained in the preparation of genetically modified offal and stringently adhere to the standards of N.E.I.G.E.N.Q.W.B.P.B.W.G.A.S. (Near Enough Is Good Enough, Not Quite World Best Practice But Who Gives A Shit?). There is an embargo on all foodstuffs of British origin since the outbreak of that country's virulent "TV Chef's disease".
Ms. Farcus' stomach was pumped and she was put on an antidotal intravenous Vegemite drip, however I have to say the prognosis is not good.
Dr. Bruce Crippen, our pathologist reports that examination of the contents of Ms. Farcus' stomach reveals that she had ingested a potentially fatal cocktail of grapes, haemorrhoid cream, hair dye, anthrax spores and minute traces of KY jelly.
The report has been forwarded to both Interpol and the Department of Homeland Security. Whilst it is believed that this is an isolated and personal attack, the Australian Federal Police have already conducted dawn raids on Mosques right across Australia. Omar Papa and 342,328 other persons of Middle Eastern appearance are assisting the police and their sadly under utilised batons with their investigation.
The attending specialists have requested that I impress upon you the gravity of Ms. Farcus' present condition and that the presence of yourself and your cheque book (noting that your previous cheque drawn on the Bank of Ghana still awaits clearance) would be of inestimable value.
Yours sincerely
Mildred Ratched.
CEO, Kalgoorlie General Hospital.
