My God me 'emmorhoids are givin' me gyp tonight! It's like I've bin sat on a wasp nest all day, which, ironically, I 'ave! Me Zimmer got caught up in a crack on me garden path (I'll be suing the council for that, mark my words) and me poor old arse ('scuse my Bulgarian) ended up jammed in a ruddy great bee 'ive smeared in 'oney and stingin' like Peter Mandelson's ringpiece ('scuse my homosexual). It took the firemen (I don't know why they were dressed in combat gear...must be their new unform) three 'ours to prize me out again and then me piles looked like a bunch of melons they did. I could hear 'em dragging behind me down the doorstep.

Any'ow I went to that Dr Patel for some ointment. Couldn't understand a word 'ee was saying. I don't care if 'ee was born in Preston 'ee still talked curried rubbish. "You're not touchin' me with those dirty brown fingers," I said. "I don't know where they've been. I might get aids up me posterior. You nig nogs are all the same with your arse-stabbin' ways and your crapping in the streets and THIS POSTING HAS BEEN PREMATURELY TERMINATED DUE TO THE AFOREMENTION HEMMORHOIDS EXPLODING VIOLENTLY. GREAT GRANDMA HUGHES HAS BEEN RUSHED INTO FLEETWOOD HOSPITAL WHERE, EVEN AS WE SPEAK, HER COLON IS BEING TUCKED BACK INSIDE WITH A SPECIALLY DESIGNED SHOEHORN AND THEN WRAPPED IN PLASTER-COATED-BANDAGES. WITH A BIT OF LUCK SHE SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO SPOUT ANY MORE SHIT FOR AT LEAST A FORTNIGHT.