Cherie Blair (daughter of Anthony Booth the famous 70's porn actor), judge (I wonder how she got that job) and, of course, the prime minister's missus, has today admitted buying two flats with the help of a well-known and previously convicted fraudster. (So well known I've forgotten his name already.) Despite the government denying Mrs Blair's involvement with the ex-con all week, as new press allegations loomed she decided to make a clean breast of matters. (Hopefully not on page three.) "Yes, I have used a person who is quite possibly the biggest conman in Britain today to further my own ends," Mrs Blair commented. "But I have no plans to divorce him yet."

Other news and gay couples are set to receive the same rights as hetrosexual married couples under new government proposals. Said Uncle Tony, "This isn't me being P.C. It's just that we're sick of having to pay out single-person rate benefits because we previously haven't recognised gay marriages."