Ready, Steady, Produce a Cheap Programme. Two Fat Ladies (or rather one fat lady, one rapidly getting thinner lady), Floyd on Piss-ups, the Cookery Hour, Nigella Whoreson, Jamie Sainsbury's Oliver...the list endless. Cheap, nasty television designed to fill in the gaps between Ann Robinson. I have been watching these futile attempts to 'improve' Britain's cuisine lately (in my opinion a plum-tomato stew with stuffed peppers could never beat steak and kidney pie and chips no matter how much the American's whinge, but there you go) and I've reached the following conclusion. Take one chef and a handful of ingredients and, invariably, they will a) make pasta to go with it b) fry everything in at least four inches of fat c) take a blow torch to anything vaguely fruity (including Michael Jackson) Editor's note: That's topical and d) add tons and tons of clotted cream to it. "Alright Chef, what are we going to do with these spring beans from Sainsubury's, nice and fresh look, that's Sainsbury's, remember the name!" "Well Ainsley...I thought we could start by frying them, then mixing in a bucket of clotted cream, whipping up fifteen eggs and adding them to the mix, pour on a bucket of extra virgin Sainsbury's olive oil and then add more cream and butter. And finally we'll stick a bayleaf on the top because we're professionals." "Oooh...sounds lovely! And if the customer complains are you going to spunk in the gravy?"

Now, is it just my misguided intuition, or is all this whipped cream and fried food, no matter how professionally cooked and presented, extremely bad for you? I mean, seriously, a sprig of Sainsbury's thyme on the top of five pounds of pure fat isn't going to help reduce cholestral much is it? These programmes are on all day every day. And we wonder why the average Briton is becoming obese? I don't give a monkey's fart if the rest of world hates British food. You'll notice that it's the French and the Americans who laugh at our culinary tastes the most, and they eat frogs legs and McDonalds! At least traditional food didn't clog up the arteries as quickly and cause Ann Diamond monsters to wander the streets and snap buses in half. Folks...ignore the peer group pressure and go back to the good stuff before we all turn into onion chomping, gun toting fat bastards.