Fack me and G'day Cobbers! Steve Irwin here t' tell y' all about what a dangerous place Australia is. Every deadliest creature in the world lives here...from poisonous spiders to lethal rattlers, Germane Greer and those mother facking crocs! But it's not just the wildlife that's bleeding evil! Not a bit! Did you know that Adelaide is the murder capital of the world? Yeah, no bullshit! The place is crawlin' with murderous bastards! It makes the gangland wars in New York resemble a Pommy Puffs' Convention!

Of course Australia's even worse if you're not from round these parts. Pommy backpackers are particularly vulnerable. They don't understand the ways of the outback. Without proper supervision they'll inevitably fall foul of the venomous tramps that hang out down by the billibong! These little bastards will skin your average backpacker alive in under fifteen seconds flat and must be handled with extreme caution!

As for the Pommie cricket squad, well we Aussies like to kick 'em where it hurts time and time again.

Speaking of ashes, I wouldn't go anywhere near Sydney right now if I were you. It's that time of year again that we like t' call the Burning Season! Facking great bush fires everywhere the likes of which I haven't seen since I last bedded me Sheila, Terri, without any KY Jelly. That's why most of Australia is just a big facking desert! It keeps on burnin'! This year's barbie is even more spectacular than usual. The set of Home and Away has been burnt to the ground! So I guess every cloud has a silver lining.