98: Fred and Rosemary West -- Pioneers in Patio Design.

Born Siamese twins in Cromwell Street, Worcester, 1945, Frederick Murdoch West and his incestuous lover Rosemary Myra were separated by the rightly famed Dr Mengeles at the Jerry Lewis Memorial Hospital in Leeds. The operation was a complicated procedure involving a spoon, three pounds of butter and a wrecking bar. Despite the psychological scars it needlessly left, by the age of eighteen months the charismatic couple had built up a successful interior decor business under the auspicious gaze of Lawrence Lleweln Bowen, catering for the sado-masochistic needs of the aristocracy.

Staunch campaigners on behalf of the 'War Against Naughty Kids -- Extreme Response Society' they began clearing the streets of unruly teenagers as earlier as 1962. Meanwhile, back at Cromwell Street, Fred designed his famous 'Cellar of Fun', including plenty of anachronistic priest-holes for his secret stash of mutilated reprobates. As the population of the overcrowded council estates in the Midlands decreased the Wests went about their daily business unrecognised for their gallant social deeds.

On October the seventh, 1991, however, Fred was arrested for sneezing too loud in the local library. Later that day he was hung by the toenails from a rafter in his cell until his eyeballs bulged and his wife exploded.

Both Wests are now buried beneath Mr Toaster's patio, Killslaughter Lane, Upper Crummock. The house at Cromwell Street has been demolished to make way for a MacDonalds.

Fred and Rosemary still appear regularly in British newspapers when there's bugger all else to print.