The Academy AWARds!

With the annual back-slapping televisual feast that is the 'Night of a Thousand Bombs' almost upon us, the Rant of the Week has managed to gain exclusive access to some of the nominations for this year's honours.

George W. Bush will probably carry off the award for 'Most Unmoving Performance' for his role as Bonzo, the evil war-mongering gorilla intent on destroying mankind in the "Planet of the Apes". Tony Blair is hoping to win the best supporting role for his convincing portrayal as a wooden puppet in "Pinocchio" and John Howard has been tipped for his walk-on cameo part in "Armageddon". The award for 'Actress with most Bite' might well go to Margaret Beckett for her role as the arsehole in "Champion the Wonder Horse" although 'Most Flexible Female' might well be won by nipple-faced Clare Short for her performance in "Liar Liar". John Prescott will be hoping to carry off recognition for his convincing portrayal of Pizza the Hutt in "The Empire Strikes Iraq" and John Reid has been nominated for his performance as Grimer Wormtongue in the "Lord of the Ringpiece Lickers". The Oscar for 'Most Impressive Facial Hair' will be strongly contested between Saddam Hussein in "Gone With the Wind" and Osama bin Laden for the "Great Escape". Best 'evidence producer' must surely be won by Colon Powell for his startling production of "The Iraqi Tapes" and best director will almost certainly go to the Labour Party Whips without whom "Oh What A Lovely War" would never have been made. 'Most Cheesy 70's Porno Star' is bound to be won by the Spanish Prime Minister whose name I can't remember. The prestigious 'Lifetime Achievement Award' will be presented posthumously to Thora Hird for her ninety-one years of outstanding commitment to mechanised furniture.

Due to the threat of terrorist reprisals prompted by the War on Iraq (only a few hours to go now before America attempts a fireworks display designed to out-shine the World Trade Centre bonfire) MI5 have decided the Queen should move out of Buckingham Palace and seek harbour elsewhere. (Just so long as it isn't Fleetwood. I've planted anti-monarchy mines round all the tram shelters.) The decision has, naturally, lead to public debate...especially amongst retards. Should the Queen set an example to the rest of us and stay in London or should she go? My advice...she should go. And never come back. Keep right on walking off the end of Brighton pier, Ma'am. Give my regards to the rest of the sewerage.

"Y' didn't see the Queen Mum shirkin' 'er responsibilities during the Second World War, did y?" commented Mr Threlfall over a pint of Foul Old Fart in the Fisherman's Arms. "She was all right she was...apart from 'er teeth of course. I reckon the Queen should follow the example of 'er mum!"

Couldn't agree more, mate. It's time she croaked and saved us all a fortune in tax the bloodsucking old bag.

Meanwhile, according to various political commentators, MPs have been in a sombre mood today, looking gaunt and withdrawn following last night's Emergency Vote. (Overdid it with the Party Whips, obviously.) One of John Prescott's chins is believed to have retreated by half an inch towards his neck. During Prime Minister's Questions Lord Fatcock Fannybatter asked Tony Blair if he would, "Reiterate the same old drivel that he'd been spouting none-stop for the last six months without consideration for other people's opinions"? Tony Blair in response replied...simply..."Now that we're going to war I hope the entire House, as well as the general public, will get behind the troops and give them our full support." (And we know who's going to be right at the back, don't we Tony?)

Well...I can't speak on behalf of the British public. However, I will NOT be 'Rallying to the War Effort' just because Tony Blair threatened to sack his own backbenchers if they failed to support him. (Sounds like Saddam's sort of democracy that, doesn't it?) Forcing a vote does not justify the slaughter of innocent people. The Rant of the Week's very own (not to mention very absent) Peter Cooper might well be out in the Gulf right now. (Then again he might not...he might just be sick of reading the claptrap on this board.) Obviously I don't want him, or anybody else for that matter, falling foul of the Gung Ho B52s. But at least the armed forces have been trained to fight. Which is more than can be said for the poor bastards who about to become collateral damage.

You can take your rhetoric Mr Blair and stick it where the sun doesn't shine (i.e. anywhere behind John Prescott within a distance of twenty-three miles).

One last thing...I couldn't help noticing the different approaches to the opening gambits tonight...

British General addressing the troops: "All right chaps...we're about to bully off for the old chucka, so now's the time to both focus and reflect on what we're about to do."

American General (to thunderous clapping and moronic foot stomping): "Make no mistake about this folks, we're gonna kill everything that fucking breathes. Iraqui peasants, children, animals, Brits, Australians...everything that ever walked or crawled across the face of this stinking desert. With the exception of Saddam Hussein of course...who will no doubt escape...'cos that's the American way!"

There are more rallies planned for this weekend. Let's hope they're bigger and more determined than ever! 'Nuff said.