"We have shown our cards...I believe that's an old Texas saying...from poker...we have shown our cards and we will determine exactly what that card means tomorrow," commented George W. Bush at his emergency summit in the Azures less than half an hour ago. Dr Dolittle was called in to translate the chimpanzee's words. In a nutshell: "I'm a total imbecile, a knobhead and a spastic. The war starts Tuesday morning and fuck the UN."

Tony Blair (soon to be ex-British prime Minister), George W. Bush (the Butcher of Texas as well as the Butcher of the English language), Don "Bull's Penis" Matador Carlos Moustache (Spanish premiere porn star and plumber) and some bloke from the Portugese Tourist Board who accidentally stumbled onto the podium, called the summit to try and look hard. Throughout the press conference that followed the one-hour of rigorous grooming, the lack of UN co-operation was variously blamed on the Frogs, the Krauts, the Pakis, the Ruskies and the Turks...and never once on the fact that different nations had different ideas about 'World Peace'. Ideas at odds with the Yanks, the Brits, the Spicks and the Portugal Tourist Information Service's plans for all out war.

"We are moving into a new time period," said Blair enigmatically so as not to give Saddam notice of the time-scale for hostilities.

"Yep..." added Bush. "We're gonna bomb the shit out of Iraq on Tuesday."

Meanwhile Saddam Hussein has split Iraq into four military zones and the UN into thousands of pieces. John Howard (Australian Prime Minister and pantomime dwarf) was noticeably absent from the summit. When questioned on his whereabouts it transpired that he'd been sharing a wombat with his old friend and confident Terry Sedgwick in a Sydney dunny. The trial starts Wednesday.