Following the U.N. Security Council's reconsideration on the issue of possible military action against Iraq, the Iraqui ambassador two days ago handed a letter to the U.N. chief of staff. In this missive the Iraqui government laid out its plans for co-operation, unconditional and unrestricted, to allow weapons inspectors back into their country as originally agreed under the terms of the security resolutions passed following the Gulf War.

By way of response, President George W. Bush has written his own letter to be handed to the Iraqui ambassador and, subsequently, Saddam Hussein himself. This letter the president felt obliged to write in his own words, the need for inter-personal relationships with the Iraqui leader never more important than on the eve of possible war. After many hours spent poring over his writing desk in his Whitehouse apartments the letter was finally finished at 7.30 this morning.

There now follows a reproduction for the benefit of our readers.

Dear Mr Hoossain,

Liar liar pants on fire! Im not listning. Luk at me. I'm not listening to yoo. I cant even see wat you wrote yoo big baby. Luk it! Luk it! Ive got my fingers in my eyes. Were going to bom yoo anyway yoo big loser. Were going too kick yoor muslim ass agen! We dont trust yoo. And yoo have a gay mustash.

Signed Jorge.

p.s. Yoo smell.