I have a slug that, every night, emerges from a hole in the skirting board behind my fridge before going slime-about around my kitchen.

Or rather I had a slug, because tonight I accidentally stepped on it. He'd become quite a character during my late-night forays for the whisky bottle so, naturally, I was very upset. Though God only knows why, other than the mess it made on the sole of my boot. After all he never did anything for me apart from leave fucking big slime trails all over the floor.

And then I realised that I'd been anthropomorphizing this gastropod.

I'd given it a character it didn't have, because slugs as a rule have a brain about the size of the average aristocrat. It was only a slug for Christ's sake! It wasn't sentient! It wasn't capable of rational thought! It was only after the breadcrumbs and a long slow shit in my frying pan.

Then I realised that I'd also been anthropomorphizing the starving Iraqis and the Afghanistan peasants, believing they had minds of their own and characters and human qualities when, at the end of the day, they're just Muslims.

Which is why I've had a change of heart and now I fully support George W. Bush and his latest change to the American constitution, namely to blow the shit out of any nation that might not like him regardless of whether its doing anything wrong or not.

It's a similar approach to slug pellets really.

Following this logic through I've set up a trip wire attached to a sub-machine gun outside my front door so that anybody walking past my house will trigger four hundred rounds of lead into their bodies. They might not actually be about to break into my house but then again they might. And I'm the one with the machine gun so let's see the bastards argue against my policy.

So far I've killed Mrs Althorpe from number eight, split the post woman completely in two and turned three children kicking a football around into the latest Damien Hurst exhibition. (Serves the annoying little bastards right.)

Make no mistake about this folks, we are going to war.

At this stage of the game Saddam Hussein could drop his trousers, part his buttocks and let Tony Blair and George Bush slip him a length, and we'd still end up blowing the crap out of him. Britain and America have new weapons that they want to show off and unless some other country (please God let it be France) decides to blow up a couple of buildings full of capitalist twats then it looks like Iraq is about to receive the shit end of the stick.

I don't care if you have to change the electoral system, stage a military coup or change the locks on the White House doors but, please America, get this retarded little cunt out of office and do the rest of the world a favour.