Snails!

I hate the turban-wearing Iraqui bastards! My honeysuckle is knackered and covered in snail turds! My hostas are chewed to within an inch of their lives! My hanging basket is almost as flaccid as Princess Diana's neck used to be!

I warned them! I even gave them a bowl full of clippings so that they wouldn't do any more damage to the stuff that was growing.

But did they appreciate it?

Did they bollocks!? The miserable, slimy, little bastards had to eat my ivy instead.

Now desperate measures are called for.

Yes...it's hammer time, folks!

I don't care if they're just trying to live. This is my garden we're talking about! I've tried sending in hedgehogs but they've refused them entry. I've threatened them with salt but they just set fire to the salt cellar! And now this...two of the bastards have flown their Fokker D tri-planes into my gargoyles! (Alright...it was probably the kids next door with their tennis ball, but what the hell? They're all evil, religious fanatics anyway and they deserve to die!)

And just to round things off one of their monstrous brethren left a trail of slime across my living room carpet last night that was three feet wide!

Having said that the local 'All Women's Jehova's Witnesses Yoga Class' were round for their annual field trip, so it might have been them.