Princess Diana's butler, (or rather ex-butler if you'd prefer) Mr Paul Burrell (or however his name's spelt) is currently standing trial accused of stealing jewellery, private correspondence and various other expensive items from the princess' house shortly after she died. In court the judge read out a statement on behalf of Mr Burrell intended to show his 'close-relationship' with the dead princess. It began:

"Princess Diana had a number of..."

And at that point it ended abruptly, the judge deciding that the rest of the statement contained sensitive information not fit for public consumption.

Leaving aside the obvious moral issues here of the disgracefully rich receiving different treatment than the common plebeian (what else is new? Make rape victims describe the previous sexual relationships in full why not, but give the Royal Family cart blanche when it comes to difficult confessions) I must admit I am intrigued to know exactly what Diana had a 'number of'.

Tufted blemishes on her arse, perhaps? Boiled babies on sticks? Photographs of Dodi's balls as they slapped against her pale jowls? Stubborn skidmarks on the gusset of her undies? (You know where the comments box is, folks. Suggestions welcome as always.)

Also, during the trial, the investigating officer was asked to describe the items of jewellery removed from Diana's house. Having described them, again, as 'sensitive' he then handed the judge a notepad containing written descriptions.

Prince Charles' Prince Albert? A solid gold clitoris ring? Foetus earrings? Diamond encrusted anal beads with the Queen Mother's face carved into them? Again...you know where the comments box is.

Anyhow...I have this to say to Mr Burrell in light of his alleged theft... Good on you mate! I hope you did nick all those things 'cos that loose-necked aristocratic bitch had been stealing from the rest of us all our lives. And that goes for her royal cohorts as well, the ones who are now so desperate to get their blood money back. Thieving, inbred, dirty descendants of the French aristocracy that they are. It's about time somebody gave them a taste of their own medicine...that being the piss they've poured on us commoners for so many centuries now that nobody even notices any more. Surely theft is a term that can only be applied when somebody's property is removed without their permission. The Spencer family didn't own all that stuff in the first place; leeched, raped, stolen, coerced, forced, stripped and harvested from the lesser mortals of this septic isle as it was. You can't begin to imagine how much I'd like to be sitting on that jury right now.

What did Princess Diana have a 'number of' that we're not allowed to hear about? Well, it wasn't fucking braincells for a start and it certainly wasn't scruples.