Now...I’m not one to start rumours but...
Today's News: Traces of the explosive used in the Bali bombing have now been recognised as "C4", a military grade material synonymous with the Al Q’aeda network, putting them squarely in the frame. As yet no further suspects have been suggested by those investigating the incident although "C4" is actually manufactured in America. Exclusively! By the ton!
Anyway...enough of that. On with today's column...
Exploding Modern Day Myths!
All right...I know that the picture-caption above isn't very appropriate but I couldn't be arsed creating a new one.
1) The vast majority of men do not prefer skinny women. This is a misnomer generated by directors in Hollywood who would rather sleep with young boys but don't have the balls to admit it. Most men, whilst finding extremely large women about as sexy as the mounds of tripe they resemble, find reasonably proportioned women with curves in all the right places to be far more attractive than anorexic sticks. So women, stop blaming men for 'body fascism'. Supermodels are borne from the minds of homosexual fashion designers and wear clothes that are bought by other women. Gain weight now and do us all a favour!
2) Jack Straw was involved in the blackmailing of Jeremy Thorpe over the Norman Scott affair in the nineteen seventies. This is not a surprise, I know, but he is a myth that needs exploding regardless.
3) David Ike is wrong. The queen is not a six-foot reptile that eats babies and disguises itself as a human. She's only five-foot four.
4) Tony Blair is not a socialist. He is the Tory party's fifth column. One of the reasons why Iain Duncan Smith isn't bothering to get his party re-elected is because Tony Blair is carrying out all of his evil right-wing plans on his behalf.
5) John Prescott is not a large, peeled natter-jack toad. He just looks like one.
6) Saddam Hussein has not got a bigger cock than George Bush Jr. Both of them wear the same size hat, so it's pretty much equal.
7) Terry Sedgwick enjoys the company of Lolita wombats but he'd like to make it known that he was in no way connected with the Jeremy Thorpe/wombat-rear-entry scandal back in the nineteen seventies. For the record he never showed Rolf Harris his collection of wombat-social-security papers with the intent to blackmail him. The fact that an annual sum of no less than $300 (Australian) has been transferred from Harris' Swiss bank account into his own for the last three decades only proves that their friendship goes beyond such political intrigues.
8) Contrary to my mother's insistence, the first thing that women look for in a man is not shiny shoes.
9) Colin Powell is pronounced Colon Powell...probably because the man talks utter shit.
10) Following Channel Four's recent screening of 'A Clockwork Orange' and Channel Five's screening of 'Eyes Wide Shut' it has become clear that Stanley Kubrik was not a genius at all but a long-winded, pretentious and boring prick. Also Nicole Kidman naked resembles a stick and she ought to put some weight on if she's going to bother getting her kit off on telly again.
