Pearls of Wisdom to make Guy Fawkes Night a Safer, Happier Occasion!
1) Make sure you stand good and close to the bonfire. And wear extremely flammable clothes. If you live in a back-to-back terrace with a tiny garden/yard then build your bonfire as high as humanly possible. After all, you wouldn't want your neighbours to miss all the fun, would you?
2) Always hold lit rockets at arm's length. That way you get to see all the colours and sparks close up when it explodes.
3) Make sure that fireworks in bottles are well sealed. The glass doesn't shatter quite as spectacularly if the lid isn't screwed down.
4) Hold sparklers between your teeth for maximum effect.
5) If you're holding your bonfire on the beach, throw pebbles into the flames for a bit more fun. The build-up of heat will result in some very exciting explosions.
6) Make sure you book your place in the hospital emergency ward early. Get an elderly relative to hold your seat for you. You don't want to have to wait forever to be seen just because it's the busiest night of the year.
7) Place bangers in a metal tube, wait for thirty seconds and then place your eye against one end to see what's happening.
8) Old cans of furniture polish/compressed air/car paint etc make an ideal alternative to expensive fireworks. Just throw them on the bonfire and wait for the fun.
9) Murderers...dispose of unwanted victims by dressing them up as a Guy and hurling them onto the pyre.
