It was announced yesterday that Michael Thieving-Scumbag of Bumsrush, Essex, has scooped almost ten million pounds on the National Disgrace (Don’t you mean Lotto? – ed.). Mr. Thieving-Scumbag, who has been in court more often than a public shithouse door bangs, has vowed that the dosh will in no way affect his previous lifestyle and expects to be back stealing cars and burgling old people’s houses just as soon as the electronic tag comes off.
Last night, Mrs. Ethel Spidermonkey, one of Thieving-Scumbags victims and a devout Christian, was asked to comment.
“That little shit broke in and took everything I had,” she said tearfully, “And now he’s won all that money. This afternoon I’m going to see about suing St Grotwald’s in the Dale for eighty three years worth of donations obtained under false pretences. I feel such a fool praying to a God that doesn’t exist. I told that nice Muslim who lives next door all about it and he became most upset.”
Mrs. Spidermonkey has now been arrested and taken to Bumsrush police station where she will be charged with promoting religious intolerance.
