There's nothing worse than going out on the pull only to wake up the following morning in bed with some bird whose chin is covered with stubble and who's pitching a tent. Or so I've been told. In this day and age transvestites are common and, sometimes, hard to spot after fifteen pints of Boddingtons and a tray of chips and curry. So here are a few tips to help you tell the difference between "Real Women" and "Men pretending to be Women." Pay close attention if you want to avoid waking up with a very sore arse:
1) Real women don't find the Three Stooges funny. They also can't stand Laurel and Hardy. If your partner/pull-for-the-night laughs at Curly slapping Mo's head about with a frying pan then you know you're in big trouble.
2) Real women don't eat bread with their meals. Any tarted-up slapper mopping the curry from her plate with a slice of Warburtons is probably a tranny.
3) Real women complain about the toilet seat being left up. Exactly why this is the case when men never complain about it being left down is beyond me, but if your date leaves the Little Boy's Room with the seat still standing to attention then start to panic.
4) Real women like to talk bollocks after sex. This, quite frankly, is a pain seeing as men release endorphins after ejaculation that make them drowsy. Real women are very inconsiderate that way. With pretend women, on the other hand, the post-coital wind-down is very different. For a start you might notice that they have a penis.
5) Real women stop being girly after the first two dates. Transvestites get more and more girly as they go on unless confronted by somebody who doesn't tell them how attractive they are at which point they start a fight. Real women also don't have three-foot high hair dos that are detachable when pulled roughly.
6) Real women don't have tattoos that say 'Mom' or 'Left' and 'Right' on their knuckles. Unless they live in Fleetwood.
7) Real women never suggest tea bagging on a first date.
