STAR'S CAREER IN RUINS
by Darren Anderson
Roland Rat, the former Good Morning Britain presenter/puppet, was in hiding today following his naming in the tabloids as another celebrity who had bedded/slapped/raped highly talented former weathergirl Ulrika Jonsson.
A spokesman for Mr Rat issued the following statement: "Roland is very upset by these allegations, which he completely refutes. He is taking a few days out with his family to consider his options. He would like to point out that he has not been charged any offence, and that he has raised lots of money for charity."
Jonsson and Rat worked together during the early days of breakfast television, where the rodent-puppet bad-boy was credited with saving the ailing commercial TV breakfast program with a hilarious blend of catchphrases (Yeeeeey, Ratfans!) and, well, er, mmm, other stuff.
Mr Rat has been the focus of a whispering campaign ever since Ms Jonsson revealed that she had been sexually assaulted by by a "well known" TV personality at the start of her career. Rat's former colleague, Errol — a quiet, unassuming, hamster glove-puppet who now runs a reputable sex shop in Brighton — spoke out in defence of his friend.
"Sure, he was a womaniser, especially after he'd had one too many. I remember one time we were in Stringfellows, and Ro was coked out of his tree, when Gordon [the Gopher, another high-profile glovepuppet] walked in with a blonde piece. Whoosh! Over goes Ro for a sniff. After a while, Gordy, who was known for his temper, started tapping his claws on the table. You could tell Ro was giving him some mighty grief. Then Gordy jumps up and says 'Listen, piss off or you'll be talking to your ratfans through your arse'.
"Well, Ro got the message and he started to leave. But, as he was passing Gordy he muttered something like 'Philip Schofield's shooting-in piece' or 'Phil's fu*ck glove', and Gordy just kicked off. It took a top Saville Row seamstress three days to put Ro back together. Five-hundred stitches! What I'm trying to say is that Ro's a lover, not a rapist."
Not everyone agrees, however. Veteran fox-puppet Basil Brush is among them. "I always found him to be an obnoxious, brash example of the new wave of British puppetry," insists Brush. "No substance, no feel for the traditions of our craft. If your material is poor, then shouting it louder won't improve it. I worked 40 years to build a professional reputation, only to see that Brummie, puppet-parvenu walk straight into my job. He always had rapist written all over him, in my opinion. But that's just the opinion of an old trouper rehearsing the part of Buttons at the Colwyn Bay Pavilion Theatre, 8 Dec to 15 Jan, where normal concessions are suspended until 5 Jan."
So, we now have to wait for the next chapter to unfold before us, like a turd in Bacofoil. One thing is certain — if Roland Rat is convicted and imprisoned, the shower-soap-surprise scenario holds little horror to a guy who's gone through life with a hand stuck up his arse.
Source: The Rockall Times
