Set to any old tune you can come up with...

Your religion's different than my religion,

Your colour of skin is different than my colour of skin,

We don't understand you, therefore we are frightened,

So we are going to kill you, 'cos we've got bigger sticks.

One of the more popular theories put about by the media and bandied willy-nilly nowadays by government spin doctors is that somehow Saddam Hussein is within months of developing a nuclear bomb. "Image that! He could hold the rest of the world to ransom and then we'd all be buggered." Long pause...just to make sure that I'm hearing this correctly. America, Britain, France and Russia...we all have enough nuclear bombs each to destroy the entire planet and every living thing upon it three times over. So what if Saddam did develop a bomb? What's he going to do with it? Within fifteen minutes of pressing the button Iraq would be nothing more than a sizeable bite mark on the planet's surface. There'd be a mushroom cloud hanging over Baghdad the likes of which haven't been seen since Ann Widdicombe last ate Brussels sprouts. Even the tin-pot dictator isn't that stupid, surely?

Back in the early eighties Labour (then under the leadership of Welsh socialist Neil Kinnock) lost the election to Maggie bin Thatch because of his 'unilateral disarmament' plans for Britain. Those were the days when people believed that nuclear arsenals were an excellent deterrent for war. We stockpiled thousands of the bastard things because we knew that Russia would never threaten us if we kept up with arms race. So what's one man and his bomb going to do against our stupendous backlog now? It'd be like someone with a broken twig challenging a fully armed musketeer.

Of course...we wouldn't want the balance of power shifted even slightly towards the Middle East and those ignorant rag-heads, would we? Then where would our oil-prices be?

So this is Christmas, and what have we done?

We've just put some stuffing, up a dead turkey's bum.

So have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,

'Cos we know what will happen as soon as January's here.
Happy Christmas, War is over,

All over the fucking Middle East.