'Tis the season of the panto, Fa lo la lo la lo la lo leh,

Fat celebs and sad old wankos, Fa lo la lo la go far away!

Get on telly on a chat show, try to pretend you've never been off,

Julian Clarey, Christopher Biggins, Lulu and Stephen Berkoff.

You're all dried up now, playing Buttons, panto dames are so outre,

Useless wankers, lost your contracts, no longer flavour of the day.

Retired sportsmen, aging actors, camp unfunny comedians,

Innuednoes for the kiddies, careers flushed right down the pan.

"What's that children? Where's my televsion career?"

"It's behind you! It's behind you!"

"Oh no it isn't! I was on Gloria's Open House last week!"

"Oh yes it is! You were only there to promote Mother Goose in Bognor."

"Oh no it isn't!"

"Oh fuck off you talentless twats!"