TEN REASONS WHY TWISTED IS ONLY GIVING CHEAP TOKEN PRESENTS THIS CHRISTMAS

Because although “Big” Brother Tone says it’s all right to believe in fairies (Don’t you mean people of same sex….URGHHH!!! Dead Ed.) (Sound of TS disposing of blunt instrument), he goes on to explain that the concept of Father Christmas is nothing more than a bourgeois plot to promote religious strife with non-Christian minority factions at a time of year people can least afford it.

Because I have no intention of helping the “Iron Chancellor” and the credit retail industry send the British economy into meltdown.

Because my Christmas present list expands annually thanks to the fecundity of friends and family even though I continue to show restraint.

Because I am sick and tired of being at the top of other people’s recycled presents list when I’ve gone out of my way to buy them something they want.

Because spending obscene amounts of money is not in the “spirit” of Christmas and would have JC revolving in his grave had he not rose on the third day and ascended into heaven (allegedly).

Because the spiralling costs of celebrating the season make Jehovah’s Witnesses, who don’t celebrate Christmas, even smugger than usual.

Because I refuse to be held to ransom by a retail industry that perceives Christmas to be nothing more than a rip-off bonanza.

Because I hate drunken sentimentality and if freeloaders know they aren’t going to get anything out of me they’ll stay away.

Because over the last few years I have grown to believe that Scrooge really did have a valid point.

Because, although people are going to label me a miserable bitch, I shall say to my critics - I can’t afford it, you’re not worth it and that’s an end to it. So there!!!