David Blunkett (accompanied by his faithful 'seeing eye' dog, Nigger) has decided to 'update' the "Draconian and Victorian Sexual Offences Act." (His words, not mine. You can tell they're not mine because I don't spit everywhere when I talk.)

Capital punishment for paedophiles, paediatricians, pederasts and Peter Falk has been introduced, as demanded by the Daily Mail and several council estate terrorist organisations. But along with the expected knee-jerk reactions have come a number of lesser-publicised surprises. Voyeurism (i.e. spotting your neighbour through the bathroom window and then lingering for that little too long whilst stirring your brew) will soon become a criminal offence. Couples having sex in a public place can also expect a sentence of six months imprisonment.

I was watching a documentary the other night. It showed how a paedophile ring raped umpteen children, ranging from two to ten. The perpetrators of these ghastly acts received less than three years each for their crimes. Not a heck of a long time considering they'd videoed their exploits for the lucrative Internet market. I can't help but feel that six months is perhaps a bit steep because some old biddy out walking her dog stumbles across a young couple having a quiet bonk in the woods.

There are questions that need to be answered here. What constitutes voyeurism? Renting out a porno video and then lounging quietly on the sofa at home with a mug of cocoa in one hand, the remote control in the other (for freeze-frame action and slow-motion rewind) and your denims round the ankles...surely this constitutes a voyeuristic act of some sort? Porno films in their own right, especially when shown on national telly, must likewise constitute 'Sex in Public.' Suddenly the future of Channel 5 looks very uncertain.

David Blunkett himself, of course, would be immune from the 'Voyeurism' charge seeing as he wouldn't know his arse from his elbow...or anybody else's arse from their elbow come to that matter...as he can't see a damned thing. (I have the urge to flash him and see what he does. Fall over backwards due to the unleashed force probably.) Having said that he's certainly destroyed the 'Victorian' sex laws. He's made them mediaeval now. Sorry...New Mediaeval!

Most annoying of all is the fact that I can no longer sell the video of David Blunkett bumming his dog over the Internet. The blind leading the blind? Or the reactionary dickheads leading the reactionary dickheads? I'd let the police decide but they're too busy arresting each other for viewing evidence.

GOD ARRESTED ON PAEDOPHILE CHARGES: In a statement from the 'Head of ITV Light Entertainment' this morning it was revealed that the popular cabaret performer, Mr God Almighty (or Jehovah as he's known to his mates), was carted off to a small prison in Ipswich after allegations of 'Historical Child Abuse'. "I always thought there was something funny about Him," commented Michael Barrymore from his luxury swimming pool. "He was fascinated with virgins and kept going on about 'Suffer the little children come unto me.' I believe He's been dropped from the Sunday schedules as a precaution."

The charges against Mr Almighty have been made by atheists round the World. They range from 'the slaughter of innocents' to 'the deliberate destruction, rape and lack of parental responsibility concerning his own children.' "His history of abuse is phenomenal," said Chief Inspector Stalkon, the arresting officer. "We had our suspicions when He actively encouraged the local school bullies to nail His son to a cross, but the offences afterwards read like a catalogue of genocide. He's started wars, caused earthquakes, given people cancer and deliberately caused train crashes. Then, typical of these half-witted, power-crazed deities, He made His own kiddies bow down before Him before killing them off one by one. We're currently checking under his patio for further evidence."

Max Clifford, acting as solicitor on Mr Almighty's behalf, commented, "God has not been granted bail. The courts thought it inappropriate, as He is omnipotent. Mr Almighty has always been an upstanding member of society and is clearly being victimised. He has always maintained that sex is evil, murder is evil and even coveting thy neighbour's ox is evil. Although, in all fairness, He does spend an awful lot of time designing baby boy's willies."

Judge St John Tallywacker III of Lancaster Assizes added, "We want this Bastard locked behind bars for good. Hopefully, while Mr Big's giving him a good rogering in the showers, He won't be able to do no more 'arm to nobody. Then maybe we can all start enjoying ourselves again."

Judgement Day is set for next week.