How to protect your Kiddies from the evil clutches of Paedophiles and what to do with the corpses afterwards.
1) Paedophiles are easy to recognise. Often they hang around outside school gates dressed in long brown macs with no trousers beneath. They carry boxes with puppies in them or bags of sweets injected with poison. Sometimes they wear curly wigs, platform shoes and large-shouldered silver suits. Most of them work for ITV's Light Entertainment Department. Other sure-fire signs are bald men drooling when children walk by, noticeable bulges appearing in trousers when a paedophile walks past a toddler's play area and men who appear in pantomimes with their hairy balls on display.
2) Some well known paedophiles include Pete Townshend, the bloke out of the Krankies, Ronnie Corbett and John Lesley. Some lesser-known paedophiles are Tom and Mavis Woods of 52 Stoneway Gardens, Fleetwood, Lancs, FY7 3EG. Telephone 8778439.
3) One of the best ways to discover where a paedophile lives is to listen to council estaters. Through their extensive network of gossips and slanderers they know all the local "kiddie-fondlers" and will be only too happy to point you in the right direction. Known "child-bummer" houses are usually marked by distinctive spray-paint motifs that read: "Out Chilld Fukers!" and "Die pedo skum!" Most often these safe-harbours for baby molesters have broken windows and burnt garden hedges where the school children and their mothers have expressed their disgust with lighter fuel and matches.
4) The quickest way to deal with "toddler-ticklers" is by the application of a swift kick to the bollocks or a cricket bat round the skull. Should you suspect anyone of "tot-tampering" then don't stop to ask questions. Just aim for the crotch and worry about the consequences later. Don't forget, "In the pursuit of justice it is better to be safe and take action first, even if that means there will be some collateral damage and a few innocent people will die in the process." (George W Bush and his lover Tony bin Blair 2002)
5) Disposing of the "kiddie-molester's" body following a sustained and brutal attack with a penknife, knuckle-dusters and the pointed end of an iron is simple. Just drag it to the nearest roadside ditch, coat the already damaged flesh with petrol and set fire to the traditional mackintosh. Most "paedophile-hunters" live on council estates and deliberate arson is a common occurrence around such parts. The crime is rarely investigated beyond giving the ashes a quick poke with a truncheon.
6) To date there have no reported cases of female paedophiles. In fact, amongst young boys who have encountered older women asking them for sexual favours, female "child-abusers" have become known as, "A damn good shag. No honestly! She did suck me off! You calling me a liar y' four-eyed twat!? I'll 'ave your mum next, just see if I don't."
