My gallbladder has taken up volleyball recently. At least that's what I suspect it is. I've got pains up my back, inside my nostrils and under my ribs. They're on the wrong side mind, but that's the trouble with gallbladders, they move about round the body, camping out behind the spleen or building bear traps inside the heart. Unfortunately this means that the usual grind of sitting behind my computer or being cramped over my drawing desk all day has had to be put on hold whilst, hopefully, the problem cures itself. Which has left me in a difficult situation. That being...what to do with the day?
With so much time on my hands, I now understand the world from the point of view of the 'average housewife'. After two days of nothing but housework, shopping and such, I have drawn the following observations:
2) No matter how many times you vacuum the same bit of carpet the pattern doesn't fade.
3) A bottle of Scotch at two o'clock in the afternoon is not a good idea.
4) I do not look good in women's underwear.
5) Three shaves a day is enough to cause your chin to become extremely red and horribly sore.
6) Six wanks a day has the same effect on your todger.
7) Columbo's dog doesn't have a name. It's just called 'The Dog' because, apparently, no matter what he calls it, it never responds anyway.
8) Never dismantle an electric toaster to see what's inside.
9) Sliding down the stairs in a cardboard box is not only painful on the buttocks but extremely dangerous.
10) Despite the entire cast in Neighbours being replaced the plot lines are exactly the same as they were five years ago.
11) Des O'Conner isn't funny.
12) Never stick your head in an unsupervised blender.
13) Three days before James Dean died in a speeding accident he made a public information film about not driving too fast.
14) Spunk is difficult to get out of a vacuum cleaner nozzle.
15) Housewives have affairs because their lives are so vacuous and daytime television is mindless shit.
This week Julian Clarey reviews the Iraqi Crisis.
I was asked to visit Iraq to inspect some weapons. So I polished my helmet, drank a big stiff one and bummed a lift to Baghdad. Well I must say, that Saddam Hussein's got a big bushy one, hasn't he? A moustache I mean. I asked him if he had anything to whip out for us to photograph. But he just took a big puff on the end of his fat cigar and blew some rings. He's got such a lot of paintings of himself all around the country has Saddam. Great big erections they are. And all those facials! I said he was very proud, standing firm against the allies like that. Especially against all of those seamen. Well, it takes a lot of spunk does that sort of thing.
I was forced to ride a donkey to visit some scientists who were cleaning their crucibles. When I arrived the donkey got wedged down their inner corridor. The scientists were very helpful and spent several hours pounding my ass. I wanted to buy some anthrax off them. There's nothing like a firm injection first thing in the morning, is there? They showed me their factories and said they were always being bombed. I quite enjoy being bombed myself. "Those missiles caused a lot of damage to our back passages," one of them told me. "Damage," I replied. "It's completely rectum."
Anyhow, I met the U.S. president on his impressive jumbo. I didn't like him much but I never was much of a Bush man. He said he wanted me to talk with his Colon. How could I refuse an offer like that? We took coffee together and he gave me his cream. Unfortunately we hit some resistance and he splashed it all over my cheeks. Then he asked me if I'd pumped Saddam for information. I told him I'd given Saddam a good lashing with my tongue. Then I'd uncovered his secret pipe.
Tony Blair met me at the airport and offered me a fag. He kept going on about having to treat Saddam to an iron fist. He said that Heir Blix had penetrated deep into Saddam's crevices but he'd had to pull his Hans out at the last minute.
Later we retired to Tony's flat where he gave me a bum fuck.
During his "State of the Union Address" President George "Let's-take-their-minds-off-the-real-state-of-the-union-by-going-to-war-instead" Bush told an already propoganda-filled American public that, "There are definite links between Iraq and Al Quaeda! America must prepare for war!"
This morning, almost echoing his superior's words, Tony bin Blair, despite admiting last week that there was absolutely no evidence to link Al Quaeda with Iraq, went on record as saying, "There are links between Iraq and Al Queada...although..." he added for the sake of British television in the full knowledge that American news companies would cut the addendum from their broadcasts, "We're not sure in what capacity exactly." No kidding, Tony! Especially seeing as Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein hated each other's guts. Mind you they are both Muslims so that's a start. Blair...you are a grovelling little arse-licker. Stop making pathetic excuses for your toadying and fuck off.
Other countries with links of no 'particular capacity' to Al Queada...but the links do exist, honestly, we've seen Al Quaeda suspects there...have also been named. Algeria for one. France, Britain, America. (Take your time folks and prepare for War, the oldest and greatest spin doctor that politics ever had.)
