A few helpful hints on how you can successfully bugger up my weekend.
1) If you happen to be my neighbour: Try parking your car outside my window every Saturday afternoon and spending three hours soaping it down with the radio on full blast. Listening to you scream blue murder at the football match is guaranteed to spoil my afternoon nap and/or make huge swathes of Columbo completely inaudible.
2) Programme schedulers: Make sure that the only people to appreciate your choice of viewing at the weekend are brain-dead football fans or ninety-year old veterans by filling the schedules with wall-to-wall sports features and crappy old war films. Then stick Columbo on at five o'clock when I'm in the middle of preparing tea so that I'll miss it.
3) Kids: Wait until I'm just nodding off after dinner then get on your skateboards right outside my front door and make as much racket as possible. Skateboards and cobblestones don't actually mix but, rather than finding the nearest hill, use the pavement to create an horrendous din instead.
4) Iceland: Reduce the number of staff you employ at weekend to almost none and then close down the checkouts so that the queues reach out of the door. Also please insist that all your food products are labelled incorrectly thus forcing the one remaining assistant to call the manager in from his game of golf to check up on the price of a packet of Hob Nobs. There's nothing like waiting for three-quarters of an hour for a bloody price-check to fill out an otherwise dull Saturday afternoon.
5) The local vicar: Don't be arsed getting the bells in your church spire replaced. Buy a sound effects record instead. Preferably one that's scratched and keeps repeating the same three bells over and over. To ensure maximum interruption to my Sunday morning lie-in turn the volume of your P.A. system up to max. You'll know that you've reached full blast when your earpiece shatters and the seagulls on the church roof start vomiting blood.
6) Drunkards: Try to party noisily all night long, with your highly amusing football songs and your wife battering escapades. Just make sure to avoid the police at all costs though. This can usually be achieved by hiding down the ginnel at the back of my house and then tripping over the rubbish bag I've left out for the bin men, thus spilling its contents all over the alley.
7) Cafe owners: Make sure that you don't screw the caps of the sugar containers down properly so that my coffee will end up 10% liquid, 90% Tate & Lyle. Also make sure that the 'Dairy Lea Cheese Triangles' you charge 50 pence for have been left out of the fridge overnight. That way the little red strings designed to remove the wrapper won't actually slice through anything, resulting instead in a blob of mangled up cheese mixed with bits of tin foil that send shockwaves through my fillings.
8) Seagulls: Start each morning off with a battle to the death on my chimney pot. Make sure that it lasts for at least thirty-minutes and is pitched at just the right volume to penetrate several pillows and a screwed up duvet.
