American Advertisers! When trying to sell products to a British television audience please remember the following guidelines:

1) We are not impressed by Jenifer Aniston talking boll*cks in a condescending, irritating voice.

2) There are only so many times that the 'orgasm joke' from "When Harry Met Sally" can be reused for your lousy products. (In fact just don't ever use it again...it was rubbish the first time.)

3) Please remember that Britain is a cynical nation (whether Tony spin Blair likes it or not). If you're going to use a sick joke to catch our attention don't go and spoil it by having the puppy/kitten/baby/whatever appear at the end in a splint to prove that it didn't die. We're not as idiotic, apparently, as American audiences and know the difference between an advert and reality.

4) On reflection, don't try to be funny at all...it's just embarassing and doesn't do credit to your fellow countrymen.

5) Please do not show Ronald McDonald on our screens ever again. The man is a tool, a menace to children and is obviously some sort of twisted pervert. Despite his make-up and baggy trousers his burgers are still made from bull's testicals and taste like bits of damp cardboard saturated in cat's p*ss.

6) We are not impressed by free videos about Jesus. We all read the book when we were kids and found it boring, unrealistic and lacking in literary aestheticism. We will not be conned into joining the Mormons and their stupid quest, but we might, however, take the video anyway and use it to record Emmanuelle Meets the Wife Swappers onto.

7) Don't dub your adverts with British accents. We can tell the difference because normally British housewives don't wear designer dresses to polish the floors in.

8) Please stuff your American Express cards up your bottoms. This is not advice but a request, in the hopes that your fellow advertisers will receive credit where credit is due.