Rules of Conduct for when Visiting the Supermarket!

1) Fat, ignorant people who insist on pushing in front of me as though their knickers are on fire: If you must indulge in this ill-mannered practice at least do so with a purpose. There is little point in elbowing me in the ribs if, once you've managed to force your way past, you then stand comatose in the middle of the isle waiting for Christ alone knows what.

2) Women at the checkout: Try to behave more like men. Have your money ready for when the bill is totalled. Waiting until the checkout girl announces the bill and then looking surprised that you've got to pay for your goods causes congestion and gets on everyone's nerves.

3) Women with children: Do your shopping in the morning instead of spending all day gossiping with your friends and watching daytime television. Combining the daily shop with bringing the kids home from school generally results in unruly children running riot around the supermarket, parents screaming violently and everyone else getting very irate.

4) People with chequebooks: Use money instead. It's much simpler and it doesn't take three quarters of an hour to scan, cross-reference, write out, phone the bank for confirmation and stand around waiting for the manager to 'Okay' your card. If you must use a cheque, try writing it out while the goods are being scanned. That way the rest of us don't have to put up with you struggling to fill the bloody thing in when we could be heading home instead.

5) Women with coupons: Throw them in the bin. It takes forty minutes to save twenty pence on an item that you wouldn't otherwise have purchased. If jobs were paid at that rate you'd be taking your employer to court.

6) Fat women with stupid husbands who like to hover indecisively in front of other customers and make a lot noise: Please don't shop in the Iceland store in Fleetwood. Especially when there's a curly-haired bloke in his late thirties wearing a trench coat shopping at the same time. The chances are you will end up with large bruises on your fat white shins due to a carefully aimed trolley.

7) Women with children: Do not get each child to carry a basket full of crap and then to line up in single file at the "Twelve Items or Less" checkout. I'm not completely stupid and I will not let the smallest child squeeze past me no matter how much he cries.

Uncle Brian: Offering free advice to the British public because you know it makes sense!