BREAKING NEWS.
The document, called "THE BLAIR DEMON PROJECT - Iraq's Weapons of Mass Destruction - the Assessment of the Branch Office of the U.S. Congress, the institution formerly known as the British Government" was described by the very Prim Minister as "unprecedented, and if I hadn't made it up myself, I wouldn't have believed it", also claims Iraq has "tried covertly to acquire technology and materials which could be used in the production of nuclear weapons."
"This proves the instability and ineptitude of Saddam Hussein, a man with no grasp on history. Every Tom, Dick and Osama knows that in the past such technology and materials have been freely and openly available from either the British or U.S. governments. All it required was a well heeled nod and wink and a signature on the Lapdog Treaty."
In tabling the document Mr Blair acknowledged that "gathering intelligence inside Iraq is not easy. Most of the tourist brochures are hopelessly out of date. Many of our normally reliable sources were often too frightened to speak. Hikmat the taxi driver failed to turn up for his regular morning coffee and Tim Tams debriefing. Madame Benaffi, Baghdad's most famous soothsayer has had her supply of chicken entrails confiscated. Our top surveillance operative Ahmed Fitz-Azzawi has mislaid his polaroid."
"Notwithstanding these difficulties the dossier clearly details that Saddam Hussein is stockpiling, at an unprecedented rate, materials for the production of weapons of mass destruction. Truckloads of freshly mined excrement, brown paper bags and matches are daily making their way to secret destinations. Intelligence reports confirm that Hussein has made overtures to several African governments that we don't own in an attempt to procure quantities of high grade eye of newt, toe of frog, wool of bat, tongue of dog, adder's fork, blind-worm's sting, lizard's leg and howlet's wing"
The dossier, warns that Saddam does not regard these weapons of mass destruction as merely a practical joke of last resort.
The Prim Minister said that he and other ministers are satisfied with the authority of the information in the dossier which reflects the ineffable regurgitative skills of the special parliamentary inquiry headed by Sir Oliver Northumberland.
Mr Blair informed the House that most damning evidence of the report is contained in this paragraph. "Direct proof of Iraq's support of Al Qaeda was neither sought nor deemed necessary. We take the truth of that to be self evident. Al was seen dining out with Saddam Hussein at McFelafels on at least 3 occasions and Saddam was footing the bill."
Mr. Blair concluded by handing out a veiled warning to waverers within the Labor Party. "Having presented this litany of incontrovertable evidence I expect all members of the Government to be four square and ten behind me. The facts are clear, the way is set, the path is plain, the stoning to death of Ms. Short is a lesson to you all. Have a nice day."
